Knowing
the love strategy of the people that you are in relationship with, your partner and/or your children, can be life changing.
When we use those love strategies, the people in our life feel more loved. When they feel more loved, then so do we… Do you want to know how?
When We Make Assumptions
Let’s talk about Peter and Mary. They have been together for 5 years and love each other a lot.
Mary went shopping one day and found a trinket, and thought to herself “Peter would love this!”, purchased it and brought it home. She proudly presented her find to Peter, excitedly.
Peter looked at the trinket, thanked Mary politely and went back to reading the newspaper. Mary plunks herself down on the sofa and wonders what she did wrong…..she expected a different reaction. She thinks that Peter never appreciates anything that she does.
What just happened? If Peter had picked up the same trinket for Mary, she would have been over the moon because then he would have fulfilled her love strategy. It was not his love strategy. We have here a case of one person thinking that their significant other’s love strategy is the same as their own. Naturally, people think that way…..
Discovering A Person’s Love Strategy
Let’s start with your own …..
How do you know you are loved by someone else? Really know?
Can you remember a time, a time in the past, when you knew with certainty that you were loved? Do you have a specific time in mind?
When you think of that time…….that time when you were truly and certainly loved……
Were you taken to a special place?…or….
Did someone buy something for you?…..or……
Were you looked at with a special look?…..or…….
Did someone say special words to you or did they speak in a special tone of voice? …..or….
Was there a special touch that made you feel loved?….or….
Was it something else?
Your way of knowing that you are loved will probably be different from that of your partner, or it might not be. When we are first in relationship with someone, we tend to pull out all the stops in our behaviors in order to ensure that we are seen in the best light.
It could be nature’s way of ensuring that we find a mate! : D We buy things, we use our special tone of voice, we look lovingly at our special person, we go places and do activities that are fun, we hold hands and hug….in essence, we are firing on all cylinders.
Once the routine of a relationship settles in, our natural tendency is to pull back a little, and revert to functioning in our primary love strategy, a set of behaviors that we think will show the other one that they are adored. If you think that you are showing your partner that you love them by giving them something, when they need you to look them in the eyes and give them that special glance, you will have failed.
The same holds true for our children, they have love strategies as well. One child might need to have things purchased for them; another might need to be taken to the movies.
How can discovering the love strategies of the people in your life, help you have a better relationship? Let me know in the comments, below!
“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner
Sherie
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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh wow! What a well-written article!
NLP has a powerful set of techniques to fully improve our relationships, right?
Yes, NLP is a fantastic tool to improve relationships!
I love this, Sherie! It is so important to know your partner’s and your loved ones’ love strategies. Thank you, for sharing this
Thank you, Susan!
Love Strategy…what a great term. My husband and myself certainly do not share the same strategy at all.
My husband and I don’t share the same love strategy, either! : D
Thanks for your article! It’s got me thinking!
Awesome!!
I’ve never heard of the term “love strategy.” I know one must constantly work at any relationship … They do not come easy or automatically. Thanks for the insight!
Exactly, Rob, and you’re welcome!
Thanks for sharing this article, it made me stop and think how I can present myself to my loved ones
Wonderful!
Well, it is a lot like Holiday shopping…one can either purchase everything they see that is a bargain, then assign the gift to people as best they can…OR one can take to the task like a treasure hunt, where expense is not the motivator but touching someone’s heart. That is how I choose to approach my loved one, but seeking the treasure of their heart.
Love that metaphor, Lorrie…….yes, it is a lot like holiday shopping and treasure hunting!
It’s amazing what we humans assume! What an interesting read, I have learned a lot. Thank you:)
It is amazing, isn’t it? Glad it was interesting for you and that you learned a lot!
Wonderful site….keep up the great work!
Thank you, Betty! I will!
Have you ever read the book, the Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman? Excellent and speaks on this topic. Love your article…
Norma Doiron @ The LEARNED Preneur╰☆╮
I haven’t, Norma, I will have to check it out! Thank you!
Great insights Sherie. They certainly clear up a few things for me surrounding a failed relationship.
Thank you, Helena!! Glad that helped! : D
That is so true! My husband’s love strategy and mine are not the same. It took a long time to realize what mattered the most to me didn’t seem to affect him at all. By seeing what he was doing for me, I learned what he needed from me. Great article. Thank you.
Thank you, Edwina! I am so glad that you picked up on that in your own life and put it into play, even if it took you a long time!
Well, that explains a lot! When the expectation isn’t performed, there can be conflict. Is it complacency, being taken for granted or just because your partner assumes you should know how he feels?
Ingrid, it can be any of those things or it can be a matter of not knowing…..it all depends on the context! When we know our partner’s love strategy, it’s another tool in the box!
Great article Sherie! It’s so true too! Having 5 very different children, each one shows love differently and accepts love differently too. We are not big into purchasing items but we do have special times together..we each seems to enjoy! Special bonding time is perfect for both mommy and the children:)
Thanks for sharing your tips Sherie
Thank you, Daisy! I appreciate your insights! : D
Its so true that we automatically assume sometimes, especially someone close to us that if we like something they will appreciate it the same way. I do believe that love strategies probably encompass a combination of things because we are dynamic individuals.
Yes, Beau, they can encompass a combination of things. We certainly are dynamic individuals and we need to check in with ourselves and the others in our lives, since we can change……Thank you, for the comment!
Interesting article, so how can we find out Sherie? I only use my feelings of the energy to determine if I love a person or not. We either attract someone or repel, material things are just not deep enough to sustain a true loving relationship for long… Thanks for sharing and have a wonderful day!
Thank you, Solvita. We can find out the other person’s love strategy by asking the same questions. If a person’s love strategy involves having things bought for them, it is not the only thing that sustains the relationship….it is just a part, that if it is not fulfilled (and it can be something simple, like a flower, for example) can affect the relationship.
Thanks Sharie ~ you are such a masterful coach making it clear!
Thank you for your kind words, Solvita! : D
Hi Sherie, everyone has their own needs, their own ways of feeling “loved”, their own love “strategy”. If we do not deliver our love to them in a way they can understand/feel it – it won’t be received. The main part of our love strategy needs to be a complete (or as complete as possible) understanding of our loved one’s strategy so we can make sure they feel our love
Exactly! : D We run into trouble when we don’t understand that.
Hi Sherie, Great “love strategies” article and tips! Implementing these will certainly improve our relationships! Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you for your comment, Alexandra and you’re welcome!
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