Do you find misunderstandings are coming between you and the love that you know you deserve to have? Here is one easy way to improve that!
Photo by Klearchos Kapoutsis
One Major Cause of Misunderstandings
What happens when you have two separate events and you link them together? This is a form of association. An image comes to my mind. Picture this. There are two horses tied together by ropes,each going in a different direction, pulling on the rope.
Neither horse gets very far, do they? In fact, they end up going nowhere. There is, instead, resistance.
Resistance is futile (yes, that is a Star Trek reference, wink). In fact, the more you resist something, the stronger it gets. Isn't that what happens when you try not to have that last piece of chocolate?
He said, she said
- He says "You're always late. You don't respect me."
- She says "Of course, I respect you. How can you say that?"
- He says "No, you don't. If you did, you would be on time!"
- She says "That's absolutely ridiculous. You don't understand me at all!"
…and so on. The fight escalates, each word out of their mouths intensifying the misunderstanding.
Neither of them know what they have done wrong.
They certainly don't know what to do to solve it. Time goes by, there are more misunderstandings. If they fail to resolve them, issues stack up on each other and eventually, the relationship may be destroyed.
What is really going on
In NLP, this is called a complex equivalence. Basically, it is two ideas or thoughts associated with each other that don't mesh. For example, does it really mean that you don't respect someone if you are late?
Could it be something else? Think about it. It is not necessarily true that the ideas are linked. Really.
Perhaps, in this instance, her car ran out of gas or broke down. Does that have anything to do with respect? It has more to do with faulty planning on her part.
What happens next
Listen to yourself when you are speaking. Do you use complex equivalences in your relationships? Yes, we all do,to a certain extent.
If the next words out of your mouth are going to be "You have done ______. You don't ______ about me.", you have just uttered a complex equivalence. It won't help your relationship much. Seriously (especially if the person really does _____ about you).
Think about what you are going to say, before you say it. That's right. Stop for a moment, especially if you are finding your emotions are getting involved, and think.
Say it like this. "You have done _______. I feel ________ when that happens." It's a minor change and it will help you be clearer in your communication. Try it.
Avoiding misunderstandings in our relationships is very important. It can just take a small shift to make all the difference in the world. This is just one way to do that. You will be hearing about other ways, in the future!
Feel free to leave me a comment or join me on Facebook or Twitter. I look forward to it!!
"Drive your own life…you deserve to, don't you?" Sherie Venner
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