Okay, I confess. I am a Grey’s Anatomy fan. I have watched it from the beginning and in spite of some ups and downs in the story, I still love it. One of the couples that I have watched with interest and fascination has been Owen and Christina. This week Owen said “I love you so much it hurts” to Christina. He had that moment of revelation that was brilliantly played and written.
So have you ever been in that kind of situation? Where you loved someone so much that it hurt? I think we all have thought that, even if it was just at a point in our lives when we were young and infatuated. What does this mean?
There is a song called “Love Hurts” by Nazareth and the beginning lyrics go like this:
“Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and mars”
Is it True that Love Hurts?
No. Love, by its very definition, can’t hurt. What hurts is the LOSS that we feel. If you truly feel connected to another person and feel loving towards them, that does not hurt. Owen did not realize that it was not the act of feeling love towards Christina that hurt. It was the feeling that he had lost that love.
When you feel pain associated with “love”, it is a miscommunication with yourself. In a way, you have made a “complex equivalence”…that is, you are saying X = Y. Love = Pain.
Think about it…is that true? Does love really equal pain? No. It can just seem like that and it might seem like hair splitting. Nobody knows how another person feels deep inside or how they represent the world.
True Love Doesn't Hurt
What is true love?
- True love is respect
- True love is honoring the other person and their values
- True love is spending quality time together
- True love is feeling that you are your best when you are with the other person
- True love is supportive and kind
- True love is forgiving and understanding
- True love is loyalty and sharing
- True love is accepting your own imperfection and the beloved’s imperfections
When we are in relationship with other people, feelings do get hurt and that is a normal part of life. Hurt feelings that happen in the give and take of every day life is not what Owen was talking about. He was referring to a deep wounding that he identified as his love for Christina.
The Problem with Believing that Love Hurts
If you have a complex equivalence (that is an NLP term) that love = hurt or pain, you might find yourself tolerating a relationship that is not for your higher good or the higher good of the other person. From that, abusive elements can rise in a relationship.
Many women (and men, too) find themselves tolerating abusive relationships because of the belief that “love hurts”. Feelings can get hurt in any relationship and there is a difference between that and abuse. When a partner cheats on the other, like in the case of Owen and Christina, that is abusive. When one partner goes ahead and does something specifically that the other partner is not in agreement with, that can be deemed abusive as well.
Emotional abuse is just as devastating and damaging to a relationship as physical abuse. Neither form of abuse is acceptable in a relationship. If you find yourself in that position, get help, quickly. If you are in a relationship with someone who tells you that “love hurts”, that is not true. It doesn’t.
In other cases, where abuse is not present, the belief that “love hurts” can be deeply ingrained because of the loss of a previous love. You lose a significant other and decide that “love hurts” and then, possibly, don’t allow it into your life again.
Grey’s Anatomy is not real and yet, the stories can mirror how life happens for some…Owen and Christina have a story that I have heard before. I am going to watch and see how it plays out. I like the two characters and if they were real, I would wish them the best and good luck, they need it.
So step back and take a good and hard look at how you feel about love. Decide for yourself what defines love in your own life. Realize that you deserve all the best that love can offer you and then claim it. It’s yours…as soon as you do…and remember the love you feel for yourself…make it true…
“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner
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