What if I were to tell you that in all likelihood, you were neglecting the most important relationship in your life. You would probably get all defensive and say that you weren’t…and yet, if I asked you what the most important relationship in your life was…what would you say?
I was asked a question by a colleague this week. He asked me how I got into relationship coaching. This is how I answered him. Everything is relationship. I said to him that in my opinion, at the deepest core, everything in our lives is relationship. Whether we are in relationship with family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, food, money or ourselves, it is all relationship.
I mentioned that I had been studying NLP, hypnosis and time line since 1992 (with certifications being achieved in 1996 and 2011). Out of those studies, I had a dawning realization, as I saw the problems that people were encountering in their lives…that the relationship they had with themselves was the problem.
You Can’t Have a Great Relationship if Your Relationship with You Sucks
“The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.” ― Diane Von Furstenberg
The answer is…the most important relationship you can have with another human being is yourself. I believe that if you don’t have an amazing relationship with yourself, you can’t have a great relationship with anyone…anyone…so you need to start here first. So let’s take a peek at the inside of one person’s relationship with themselves.
Let’s say there is a “problem”…a person is a compulsive spender…so, you can give that person a plan…they track every penny they spend, they formulate a reasonable budget and make a plan to pay back their debt (if they are a compulsive spender, there usually is debt).
On the surface, this is a great plan. It is not the entire answer though, it is just a part of the answer. Underneath all of that behavior, is a belief…I don’t know what that belief would be (it can be different for everyone, can’t it?)…let’s guess and say that in this imaginary scenario, that it is an underlying belief that of “I am ashamed to be me. I have no worth.”
If that belief is not removed and replaced with a healthy belief such as “I deserve….”, no matter what plan or how good a plan is put in place, it won’t succeed long term. So, in this case, the person’s relationship with money will repeat itself, negatively, in the long term.
The same pattern can hold true in interpersonal relationships. As long as the cause of the behavior is still there, the behavior can change in the short term through the use of will power…but it rarely will stay changed…the negative belief has to be pulled out, like an evil weed…right by the root…
The person who has the problem behavior of compulsive spending…who doesn’t have a great relationship with themselves because of the underlying negative belief…does not have great interpersonal relationships…they might fool themselves into thinking that they do…but in the long run…no…they don’t…
When You Realize that You are the Most Important Relationship in Your Life
If you were to step back and honestly look at the relationship you have with yourself…what would it look like? Are you a scolding parent to yourself? Change that…and make it better…not perfect…better…how can you be happy in any of your relationships, if you aren’t happy in the one with you?
If you want to have these benefits:
- Easing of stress, depression, anxiety, addictions, etc.
- Confidence
- Peace
- Optimism
- Increased creativity
- Happier relationships with other people
Then…do this….
- Learn to trust yourself by keeping your promises and your word to yourself. If you say you are going to do something good for yourself, do it. Don’t break promises to yourself
- Be kind in how you speak to yourself
- Have fun and laugh everyday. If you can’t find something to laugh at, force yourself to laugh for a minimum of 5 minutes per day. Your body and brain will still get the happy brain chemicals. If you act “as if” you are laughing, it will make you feel better. I know it might sound strange…but give it a try. Sooner, rather than later, you will find yourself being able to laugh again…
- Visualize a wonderful movie in your mind of a positive, happy, successful life. Add in a fabulous soundtrack of your own voice, speaking kindly and lovingly…
- Let go of all of those lies that you used to tell yourself…because you are worthy…and you do deserve…
And once you connect all those good feelings…and let go of the limiting beliefs…you will grow in that most important relationship with yourself…and once you allow that trust to blossom…that trust that you can find again…you will find that you ARE the key to that ideal life that you want…and you CAN have it.
“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner
Image credit: Darren Hester
Sherie
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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Sherie, I appreciate your article/posting, as it’s something I’ve recently come upon myself. Perhaps I’m in need of some affirmation for proposing that, for example using the one above if one were to have a compulsive shopping habit how we would address that within ourselves would be best achieved in a manner that we might (effectively) address the same problem with someone else. In other words, if a ‘friend’ were to ahve a similar problem I would address the problem with them compassionately and with non-judgement. I seem to have the latter down pretty well as I find I’m able to ‘be there’ for others, to listen to them and help them “see the light for themselves’ but when it comes to myself I’m just the oppositie: judgemental, harsh critical.. Do you find a similar feeling with yourself? We are, after all, master Psychologists who know how to give ‘the best advice’ and are the ‘best listeners’ for other people’s problems… do you find a connection between how you are obviously there for other people, in your blog, profession, friends, colleagues, clients etc. and how you can be that same personal therapist for ‘yourself’, client #1. (?)
Brad, I used to feel that way…I was very harsh with myself…and even though, I do feel that way sometimes, with the passage of time and helping others, I have learned to be kinder to myself. Through the years, I have had coaches, as well, who were able to give me a different perspective…and I think that is very important. I think that everyone can be their own worst critic and there is a spectrum…if we just get a bit better every day…just be a little kinder to ourselves and monitor that self talk…practice seeing those movies in our mind in a brighter light…then…it becomes habitual to be in a better relationship with yourself. Treat yourself as you treat others. Because in the long run, we only go through this life with ourselves. So, yes, I have gotten better at being there for myself. : D Thanks for reading the blog and for your kind words, I hope to hear from you again!
A terrific article, Sherie!
“Let’s say there is a “problem”…a person is a compulsive spender…so, you can give that person a plan…they track every penny they spend, they formulate a reasonable budget and make a plan to pay back their debt (if they are a compulsive spender, there usually is debt).
On the surface, this is a great plan. It is not the entire answer though, it is just a part of the answer. Underneath all of that behavior, is a belief…”
This is really the key, isn’t it? People often wonder why the advice they give to someone is not used. No matter how good the “solution” and how well a person understands, intellectually, that it is a good solution, the advice is simply skirting the symptom but not getting at the cause. A behavioural change can’t happen unless the cause is found and cured.
Absolutely, Eva. If you just look at and try to fix the “symptoms”, it is a temporary fix. The problem will manifest again or even in a different way if a person doesn’t release the underlying belief that caused it, in the first place!
The relationship you have with yourself is the key to everything else in life. Get that right, and amazing things begin to happen. Great post Sherie!
When you do get that right, amazing things DO happen! You are right on, Helena, and thanks so much for the comment!!
Excellent Sherie. You are so clear and gentle in your explanations.
Sally, thank you so much for your kind words…you are such a sweetheart. : D
Great article, with some great points. I always find time in the day to make myself laugh, laughing is a very important part of my well being : )
Thank you, Karla! : D
We so need to make sure we have a relationship with ourselves first! You hear this suggestion from time to time but it’s important to explore what that really means to you. Thanks for another wonderful article, Sherie
Thank you, Lisa, I appreciate your comment!
Wonderfully positive post Sherie!
Love the advice to laugh and have fun. Kids have the ability to laugh and joke so much more than we do but it’s so good for us!
It is and quite often we forget to do just that! Thanks so much for your comment,Carolyn!
Isn’t this the truth! We always need to take care of and love ourselves. If it takes work, so be it! We are worth it!
You’ve got that right,Martha!! Thanks for your comment!
Challenge of my job at times.. helping the partners love themselves to inprove the way they treat each other! Great Post Sherie!
Thank you, Barbara! It can be a challenge…and yet, that is often where it starts. : D
Oh I agree.The relationship you have with you is more important than any other because you will not have a good relationship with anyone else until you love and respect who you are.
Right on, Elizabeth! …and I so appreciate you commenting!
This is so very true! Another suggestion is to ask yourself, “Would I talk to a friend this way?”, when you’re in the midst of negative self-talk. When we take care of ourselves – love ourselves – we also stop judging others, which takes our focus away from the good things in our daily lives.
Yes…most of us would never talk to a friend the way we talk to ourselves…great insights, thanks for sharing, Lisa!
This is so true. The value we place on ourselves is the value we allow into our lives and allow ourselves to share with others. We get so busy doing for others we neglet ourselves and find we are often at the bottem of the list. We have to be at the top and we have to care and love, and accept ourselves. We are all unique and have great qualities.
Absolutely! Thank you for your insights, Terressa, really appreciate you commenting!
I always say it: it all starts with yourself. Be yourself, Love yourself first. Thank you for your post.
It really does! Thanks for your comment, Carele!
Great post! You’re so right that until we get to the core and cause of our feelings, it’s very hard to make permanent change. Building our relationship with ourselves is key!
It certainly is, Nisa! I so appreciate you commenting, thank you!
I love this Sherie. So true. It has been said that unless you truly love yourself you can’t really love anyone else and I do believe that. Great insights! Thanks for sharing
Julie, it is very true!! Thanks so much for you sharing it on facebook, I really appreciate that (and your very kind words), dear!!
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