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You thought you were in love. You had all of the symptoms.

Now, no matter what you do, you can’t quiet that voice that says “There is something missing.”

Does any of this sound familiar? If it does, it can be because of a difference in core values between you and your partner.

Core Values and Relationships 

Core values? What do they have to do with whether a relationship makes it or not?

Let me tell you a story about a girl who thought she had it all. She had the heady romance of first love. She thought that he was the one. (This story could just as easily be about a boy who felt this way, too…).

And then, one day, she woke up and wondered who she was in a relationship with. He didn’t seem to be the same person that she had fallen in love with. Now…was he really different…or had she just woken up to the fact that they indeed had different viewpoints on life. Indeed, at the very basics of how they viewed life, their core values were not similar.

Quite often, this happens at the 3 month mark in new relationships. Whether people pay attention to it at this point in time is quite another thing. Sometimes, it takes a big wake up call for one or both of the partners in a relationship to realize how different their core values are (if they are).

“It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.”― Roy Disney

A Personal Core Values List

When people commonly think about core values, they think about common religious beliefs, political beliefs and even a common cultural background. Core values can include aspects of these but that isn’t the whole story.

Personal core values can be these and more:

  • Freedom
  • Peace
  • Family
  • Money
  • Health
  • Happiness
  • Achievement
  • Creativity
  • Fun
  • Independence
  • Honesty
  • Loyalty

…and you get the picture…these are some core values…and the list could go on and on…

Can Different Personal Core Values Really be a Deal Breaker?

You have your core values. The person you are in relationship with has their core values. Everyone has core values. If you were to think of which core value is most important to you, what would it be? Then what would be important after that?

Order your core values. See what they are. List them. Ask your partner to do the same, if they are willing. See where there are similarities and see where there are differences.You might even have similar core values but they are in a radically different order.

For example, if you value independence in the top 2 of 10 core values and your partner has independence right at the bottom at number 10, that can cause conflict.

Think of what a relationship would look like if money was at the top of the list for one partner…and it wasn’t even on the list for another! That might cause a few discussions about how the bills were being paid…

Are You Settling for Less Than You Deserve?

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.” – Maureen Dowd

When a person becomes clear on what their personal core values are, they stop settling for less than they deserve. Knowing your core values is like having a road map to what makes you happy.

If peace is high on your core values list, then being with a person who wants to scrap and fight all the time, won’t make you happy. If you have freedom at the top of your list and want a life of travel and adventure, then don’t pick a partner whose top value is security who wants to stay at home all of the time.

There is room for compromise in all relationships when the core values are close enough. They don’t have to be right on in order for a match to work…but if they are on totally opposite sides of the fence… that can be a deal breaker.

Know who you are. Know what your values are. When you know that…really know that…then you won’t settle for less than you deserve. Because you will know what you really want…won’t you?

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner 

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Has there eveyes no maybe indecisionr been a time when you were faced with indecision…when it was really difficult to make that decision…

Who can struggle with indecision? Everybody. That’s right. Everybody can be indecisive at one point or another…about something big or something small. Some decisions are hard to make. For some people, making any kind of decision is hard. For most of us though, the hardest decisions can cause the biggest delays…just because there is so much emotion attached to making that decision.

“Decision is a sharp knife that cuts clean and straight; indecision, a dull one that hacks and tears and leaves ragged edges behind it.”- Gordon Graham

What Does Indecision Look Like?

It doesn’t matter how important the decision is to be made. It could be a major life decision about where to live or who to marry or what career to pursue. It could be making a decision about what color to paint your living room or what to have for supper. The problem occurs when there is a delay in making that decision…when being indecisive keeps a person being stuck.

Being indecisive can look like this:

  • Procrastinating, stalling, and pushing deadlines further into the future…more than once…
  • Making other tasks a priority…I know that when I am being indecisive, there is a lot of house cleaning that gets done!
  • Clutter, emotional and in your physical environment. Clutter is just a delayed decision, isn’t it? When there is clutter, there is indecision…whether to keep it, toss it, or make a place for it…

Having This Mindset Breeds Indecision

  • Looking for guarantees. If you are looking for a guaranteed outcome, life doesn’t work that way. Most of the decisions that we make involve not knowing exactly what the future holds. There is no crystal ball saying that if you make decision x, then decision y is the only outcome that can happen. We don’t always know all the variables, do we?
  • Not having a plan B. Even if your plan B is just sketched out a napkin in pencil, as you are sitting in a coffee shop, it can give a measure of comfort. It gives you another option in case the first plan (decision A), doesn’t work out. It doesn’t need to be extremely detailed…just knowing that it’s there can make the process of decision making easier.
  • Not trusting yourself. Have some faith in your ability to handle the consequences of the decisions that you make. Do as much planning as you can beforehand. Do your fact finding. Be prepared and then make a decision.
  • Not forgiving yourself if you have made mistakes in the past about previous decisions. No one is perfect…really…
  • Feeling insignificant. If you feel insignificant, it can make making a decision almost impossible. If you knew…deep down inside…just how important you really, really are…making a decision would be so much easier.

Clarity Statements When Faced with Indecision

Indecision can be messy. Life is messy…sometimes…it isn’t as cut and dried as we think it should be. So if you find yourself or maybe a loved one in a position where a decision needs to be made, here are some statements that when answered can make a choice much clearer…

And I call this “Measuring the Gap” between what you want and what you got:

  1. What I thought I wanted:
  2. What I actually got:
  3. What I really want:

Here is a pdf of those statements for you to print out and fill in…if you would like…

Indecision happens because we need to make a choice…usually, we aren’t starting from a clear slate. There are so many factors to consider.

If you are looking at a room that you have and it’s painted a dusky rose that you picked out…look at that color and say”What I thought I wanted_____________”…maybe it was a peaceful, calming atmosphere in that room. Then “What I actually got__________”…a color that didn’t work…a color that was too grey and a little moody…then “What I really want__________”…a cheerful, bright color that looks like sunshine on a cloudy day….that suits me and my personality…

The more specific that you get, the easier the decision is to make. There are, of course, other steps in the decision making process…this is just a part of the equation…but sometimes it is enough…try this one out…start with a simple decision that you have been perfecting the art of indecision on…and see what happens…it’s just a different way of looking at it, isn’t it?

And think about this…what if not making a decision was a decision…all by itself…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

 

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If you haveRelationship tips 4 letting go of the need to be right ever been in any kind of relationship, you know that there is often a power struggle over the need to be right…and it is a need for a lot of people…and they will fight until they can prove to their partner that their way is indeed the only way…the right way…

It might be you or it might be someone you are in a relationship with…a partner, a friend, a work colleague, a family member. That person (or you) feels a need to be right all the time, to correct behaviors or language patterns…they might even feel that they need to make you wrong…and that is destructive to most relationships because there needs to be a give and take…a listening and hearing of opinions.

The Right Way Doesn’t Exist 

“You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche

This need to be right quote from Friedrich Nietzsche says so much.

That’s true, isn’t it? There are only opinions as to what is right and what is wrong. It is a point of view. It is a perspective. The need to be right is different than just being right. It is needing to be right…no matter what the cost…

How does this Need to be Right Happen?

When we are children, we are chastised for making mistakes. As a result, we want to be right. We have a need to be right. Especially when we are in relationships…because if we are not right…the only option is to be wrong…

We don’t want to be wrong. No one wants to be wrong…and that is why there is so much emotion and drama for couples and other types of relationships. There is a struggle, a tug of war between people about who is right.

Think back to when you were a child and you made a mistake…you were wrong…there was probably shame and guilt attached to that mistake. No one wants those feelings. Shame is an emotion that is so terrible…

Fear also lies beneath…the fear of making mistakes. It will be hard to admit when a mistake has been made or a boundary has been crossed in any of your relationships, whether they are in areas of your career, friendships, partnerships, etc.

Signs of Expressing the Need to be Right

  • Criticism…do you have someone in your life…perhaps a friend or a family member…and they are critical of everything that you do? They walk into your house and the first thing that they say is something negative about you, your house, or the way you have arrange the furniture or landscaping? Perhaps they start to clean your house and you just spent 3 hours getting ready for their visit…you know what I mean? This type of behavior might masquerade as their “wanting to help you out through constructive criticism” but it is really the need to be right, isn’t it? They know better than you on how to live your life.
  • Belittling or being condescending of the other person’s opinion. When a person needs to always be right, they will tear apart the other person’s opinion. It might not be obvious…it could be done in a passive aggressive way…but the manner in which it is done, leaves the other person feeling that their opinion has not been respected.
  • Becoming angry when their opinion is challenged or another course of action is proposed.

Eliminating the Need to be Right

So, if you have any aspect of needing to be right in your own behavior, here is what you can do:

  • Be willing to be flexible in your behavior
  • Understand that everyone makes mistakes, no one is immune
  • You are good enough…really…
  • See things from a different perspective
  • Have an open heart
  • And eliminate this phrase from your vocabulary…“I told you so”…ooooh…this one can fill you with glee, can’t it? I have an image in my mind of a person, giggling and rubbing their hands together…a smirk on their face…as they joyfully announce to the world “I told you so”. Don’t do that…really…

And here is the question to ask: “How important is it for me to demand to be right in this situation? Is there any room for seeing my partner’s point of view?” Step out of the emotions that surround you…and listen…you might actually learn something…and if you are willing to give up the need to always be right, your relationships will be more harmonious and filled with love…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner 

 

 

 

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If you arerelease the past let it go dealing with emotional pain or have dealt with it in the past, you know how consuming it can feel. Emotional pain can be larger than the suffering of physical pain.

Emotional pain can blur any of the good experiences that you can have in your life. If you have been reliving the past, holding onto those negative emotions and felt that you were powerless against those emotions…read on…

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.”– Paulo Coelho

3 Ways Emotional Pain Hurts You

1. Reliving the Past

If you have been stuck in a vicious cycle of reliving the past negative emotional events that cause you pain, emotional pain can begin to manifest as physical pain…as depression…as anxiety…as panic attacks.

2. Holding on to the Emotions

This is crippling and keeps people stuck…when a person holds on so tight to those damaging negative emotions, the pain can be beyond belief.

3. Avoidance and Not Being Fully in the Now

There are many behaviors that people use to avoid emotional pain. There is excessive drinking, overeating, overspending, gambling, sex addiction and the list goes on…doesn’t it? Life is barren of joy if we can’t really be in the now…in the present…because it really is the only reality that we have…there is only now…

What I Learned about Emotional Pain and Physical Pain

As someone who was very physically active, training for my black belt in Tae Kwon Do, I gathered some injuries along the way. If you are familiar with trigger points, you know that little lumps of scar tissue…very painful scar tissue…can build up over injury sites. The muscle can’t slide easily anymore and it causes restrictions…very, very, very painful restrictions…

Emotional pain is like a trigger point. It is like a buildup of scar tissue over an old emotional injury or abuse…and when you have an event happen that reminds you of the original painful event, you get triggered and the emotional pain is right there…

In order to release those trigger points and have my muscles move smoothly without restriction, I had to see a chiropractor who specializes in Active Release Techniques. The trigger point is pressed, deeply and it really hurts. It lets go of the pain, though.

The thing is…in order to release that pain, I needed to go through the pain…and it was temporary.

What You Can Do to Release Emotional Pain

  • Cry
  • Journal your thoughts and feelings
  • Talk to someone and set a limit…it is too easy to get stuck in your own story if you let it go on and on…
  • Get a different perspective on the situation
  • Meditation and deep breathing
  • Use various techniques (EFT, NLP, and Hypnosis for example) to let go of that baggage
  • Feel the pain…here, I must warn you…if you are going to do this one, please have a support person with you. Realize that if you can be with the pain for a short while, just the act of feeling it, can release it. But this is not for everyone. Especially if there has been a significant trauma…please…if there has been a BIG event…do not do this one alone.

Life can be painful. None of us get through life with any pain. Suffering is optional, though. Remember, that pain no longer serves a purpose. Emotional pain is a warning system to let us know that something wasn’t right. A boundary may have been violated or there was a loss…

So…if that pain no longer serves a purpose…maybe it is time to just let it go…because you can…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

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You know…making mistakeswe all have the experience of making mistakes…some of them big…some of them small…and you know what I learned? Making mistakes can be the quickest path to learning something…and yet we are all so afraid to do that…to make a mistake.

What I Know About Making Mistakes

Wow. I made a big mistake when I married for the first time at a very young and naïve 19 years old. As I stood outside the church building that we were to be married in, the thoughts that ran through my head were these:

  • “I’ve got to get out of here”
  • “I’m making a mistake”
  • “What will people think if I don’t go through with this?”

I wanted to turn around and leave…but I didn’t …because I was worried about:

  • What would other people think?
  • I would be breaking a promise to marry him (and that is what an engagement is…a promise)
  • These doubts and fears were just cold feet.

All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes. – Winston Churchill

Here is What I Learned to Survive Making Mistakes

  1. It doesn’t matter what other people think, it matters what you think. Other people will understand because everyone has made a mistake and if they don’t…oh well…next…
  2. Some promises are made to be broken. Not all promises should be made in the first place. We all make mistakes, some of us more than others. We think things will turn out one wayand the results are not what we thought they would be. That’s just life. I don’t have an accurate crystal ball…do you? : D
  3. You must listen to your gut feeling, your intuition. If you think that there is a problem, there is one…and the problem might not be the real problem…it might be a red herring because you aren’t ready to face the real reason. Still…pay attention…your unconscious mind is trying to get through to you. Be honest with yourself. Your gut intuition is that small voice that lets you know that something is not quite right, even if you can’t quite put your finger on it.

When You’ve Recognized that You are Making Mistakes or a Mistake

Do yourselfrecognize your mistake a favour and STOP making the mistake…because we all make mistakes…and you can learn from that mistake and move on…because there is something better waiting out there…isn’t there?

Forgive yourself for making mistakes. The only way to let it go and learn from it, is to forgive yourself first.

Realize that most of the mistakes you made or are making are not disasters. Be grateful because it could have been worse.

Recognize your mistake in the past…look at why it happened and keep the wisdom…let the mistake go…and look forward to a new future…because you can…

And the shocking truth is that once we have learned from that mistake…it can often have been the path of our greatest learning…really…

And when I married my second husband and the officiator was late to the wedding, my thought was “Oh my, we are going to have to have the party today and get married tomorrow if he doesn’t show up.”…and that my friends, is where the difference is…and he did eventually show up…that day. . .and we’ve been happily married for 16+ years…: D

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

 

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