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You cancontrol of your life think that you have control of your life.

Then in a moment…it can all change.

You can plan.

You can schedule.

You can mind map.

You can visualize.

But there can be a moment…or a week…when you don’t feel like you have control of your life at all.

You can get sick.

You can break a tooth.

You can have a car accident.

You can fall down the stairs of your home.

And then…all of that scheduling and planning can go out the window…because in those moments…you don’t have ultimate control…and that is the difference.

In the big picture, we do control our lives…but those details…the smallest things…can get in the way…and even though we feel like we don’t have control of our life in that moment…we still do, don’t we? Because we are always at choice…

What Does Being in Control of Your Life Really Mean?

Does it mean that your life is rigid and that everything happens at a certain time, in a certain way, with certain people? For some people that is what it does mean…and that leads to a crisis when life goes the way that it does…

Because even if we want things to go a certain way, we can’t force them to do that. People have free will…and life happens…

Or does it mean that when we have flexibility of behaviors…when we can make decisions quickly…that even in times of crisis and uncertainty…that you do have control of your life?

It’s All About Flexibility of Behavior and Decisions

What we are in control of is our reaction to those life events. We can be prepared…and it is a great idea to be prepared…but you can’t be prepared for every eventuality. That can be paralyzing.

Yes, have an emergency fund. Yes, have a backup plan. Yes, make plans and have goals. Those are all essential to living a fulfilling life. You need to have a map in order to know where you are going, don’t you?

What happens when you are blindsided, though…and that event happens that you weren’t prepared for? Perhaps your partner has come home and announced that they no longer want to be married to or in a relationship with you…and you didn’t see it coming…

What then?

These Being in Control of Your Life Quotes

 

Learn from the past

“Learn from the past, set vivid, detailed goals for the future, and live in the only moment of time over which you have any control: now.” Denis Waitley

We do only have now…it’s the only moment that we have the guarantee of. See that bright and brilliant future…and live in the present…and know that by doing that…even if you have to readjust your path…you can have that future…

You cannot control what happens to you

 

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.” Brian Tracy

Attitude is everything. Change is constant…whether we want it to be or not…and how flexible we are in reacting to it, depends on our attitude.

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.” Amelia Earhart

Make that decision. When we don’t make decisions, we are stuck…and it is one of the main causes of procrastination…a lack of making a decision to move forward.

“I believe that you control your destiny, that you can be what you want to be. You can also stop and say, ‘No, I won’t do it, I won’t behave his way anymore. I’m lonely and I need people around me, maybe I have to change my methods of behaving,’ and then you do it.” Leo Buscaglia

You do have a choice…and because you have a choice…ultimately, in the big scheme of things…you do have control of your life…even if you didn’t know it…so…no matter what happens…or did happen…if you can accept that responsibility…then, no matter what happens…you can feel that you do have control of your life…because you do…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

 

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RelationshipRelationship anxiety pain anxiety can be a pain.

Do either you or your partner have relationship anxiety?

Or have you had to deal with anxiety and fear  in a past relationship?

It takes a toll.

Relationships don’t thrive in the grips of relationship anxiety. They flounder. They sink. They die.

Feeling anxious all the time can be a bitch.

Why Does This Kind Of Anxiety Happen?

There are many reasons. Here are the top 3:

Reason #1

Your unconscious mind is trying to tell you that something is not “right” with the relationship. These could be some of the things that aren’t right…there could be more…

  • Differing values. If your idea of a good time is sitting at home watching the latest episode of Downton Abbey or the newest Star Trek movie…and your partner would rather be propping up the bar at the local watering hole…you have differing values. Often, that can be moderated with compromise…but what if it can’t?
  • Bad communication. No, we aren’t all born knowing how to be great communicators…but if you work at it…you can get better at it.
  • Different goals. You see yourself going in different directions. Values factor in here, as well. While everyone needs to have individual goals, couples need to have goals in common…
  • Bad behavior. Are you putting up with bad behavior? Is your partner threatening to leave you? Is there no respect? Do you feel like you are being taken for granted? Is there any threat to your financial, physical or emotional safety?

Reason #2

Your unconscious mind is trying to tell you that you have a “limiting belief” about what you deserve, what you can have…or even worse…a limiting belief about who you “are”.

When you fill in this blank, what comes up for you?

I am ___________________________________

That is very telling…and can be the major cause of most relationship anxiety…if what comes up for you is something like this….I am a LOSER….or I am UNLOVEABLE…or something like that…how do you think you wouldn’t have relationship anxiety?

Reason #3

You have developed a habit or compulsion to worry. You play the same movie in your mind, over and over again…of all the things that could go wrong…you tell yourself, of course, that they will….

Anxiety empties today of its strengths

What Can You Do to Get Rid of Relationship Anxiety?

Talk to your partner. Open up a conversation and ask questions and clarify these:

  • Values
  • Hopes
  • Dreams
  • Goals

Are they the same? Are they different? Why? Why not?

If you have a limiting belief about relationships, men/women, or about yourself….

  1. Acknowledge it
  2. Learn from it
  3. Let it go

How do you let it go? Some people can do this, easily, on their own. Others need help. There are many modalities that work well. I prefer NLP, timeline, and hypnosis…but there are other modalities…like EFT and finding a spiritual counsellor.

What would you feel comfortable pursuing?

If you are a chronic worrier…who plays negative movies in your mind…complete with a thundering soundtrack…stop that.

An NLP exercise to help stop that chronic worrying :

Take that movie that you play so well…that imagining of all that can wrong… make that movie into a still picture…then and shrink that picture down… then make that dark…and smaller yet…that’s right…and then…imagine a new picture…one where it all goes right…just the way that you want it to be…and give that picture color…and sound….and see that picture begin to move…just like a movie…make it bright…big and bold…with all the bells and whistles…then take a deep breath….that’s right…

What you imagine, you get. So choose what you imagine carefully. If you have a problem with that…then ask yourself “What would happen if it did go right?”…

And remember this; you are only responsible for your own relationship anxiety. If your partner has relationship anxiety, only they can take care of it. If they don’t acknowledge it, learn from it or let it go…you can’t do it for them…or make them do it…can you?

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

P.S. You don’t have to deal with the pain of relationship anxiety…anymore…make the choice to leave it behind…where it belongs…in the past… 

 

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A failed Theres a purpose to every failed relationshiprelationship
brings with it many things.

There can be pain, remorse, regret…a feeling that something has died for you.

Are your emotions on a roller coaster ride?

Do you feel ecstatic and excited one moment because “yes, I’m finally free and can my life on my own terms!” and then the next moment feel “Oh my god, what have I done? I’ll never meet anyone ever again or be happy??”

I’ve been there. Most of us have. Because having a failed relationship…or even more than one…is not uncommon.

Especially if you started off on the wrong foot and had a relationship with someone that you didn’t have values in common with…or began a serious relationship with someone you didn’t know very well…or fell in love with who you thought a person was…not the reality of who they were.

These 5 Ways to Recover 

  1. Acceptance. Once you accept that the relationship is done…that it’s over…and that there is no going back, you gain peace…because then you are free to move on.
  2. Forgive yourself and your partner. No matter what your partner has done, forgiving them is a gift that you give to yourself. It doesn’t mean that you agree with what they did…just that you are willing to let it go…so that you can move on…
  3. Learn what you did wrong. Accept your part in the failed relationship, even if it was as simple as picking the wrong person. You can’t go back and change the past but you can learn from it….and you need to…so that you don’t repeat it. Because we all know that if we don’t get the lesson, we’ll keep on making the same mistakes…until we do…
  4. Create a vivid new future…full of possibilities…and do it with big, bright vivid pictures…with hope and big dreams…see yourself happy…
  5. Choose power instead of victimhood. Often people who have a failed relationship feel that they were a victim, somehow. The point of power lies in releasing any feelings of being a victim…no matter what the circumstances.

Taking What You’ve Learned From Your Failed Relationship

Now that you’ve had that failed relationship, you probably know so much better what you don’t want…and that is a huge step in the direction of knowing what you really, really do want.

Clarify your values. What is important to you in a relationship? Is it loyalty, fun, freedom, fidelity, financial stability, acceptance, passion, companionship, or something else? What is it for you?

Can you look past the outer wrapping…the package that the person comes in…and see the aspects and values that matter to you…in the other person?

I knew someone who would only date men who were over 6 feet tall, with brown hair and blue eyes. She overlooked anyone else who didn’t meet those standards. That’s not what counts! Really. It’s about personality, values, having goals in common…finding someone that you can share a life with…who can be a partner…

Know that you can have what you want in a partner…and be happy…and know peace…let go of that failed relationship (or more than one)…let go of those emotions of failure…and when you are finally ready to stop beating yourself up because you did fail…then you can move forward and create a new life…a new relationship…that is so much better than the one before…really.

Then you can step out with confidence, pride and peace…raise those standards…and be ready to accept the success that you deserve…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

 

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As a kid,Irish Blessing I loved St. Patrick’s Day…the images of the bright green shamrocks and the leprechauns…splashed around the school and in the stores.

For me, it wasn’t the wearing of the green or being Irish for a day that made it special, though.

It was because that was the day that we celebrated the birth of my Dad.

Dad was born on St. Patrick’s Day…80 years ago.

We did always try and blend the birthday and St. Patrick’s Day theme. Dad has had very many green birthday cakes.

One year, my brother and I decided to make him a green cake, complete with green frosting. I was 10 at the time and my brother was 8.

We weren’t too experienced in the kitchen, at the time, and both of us forgot to add the baking powder. The icing turned out to be a vile colored green that looked suspiciously like a vomit color, LOL! It ran down the sides of that flat two layer cake.

My Dad was an awesome sport and ate that cake…even though it tasted and looked so bad!

Values I Learned from My Dad

Dad is a simple and humble man. He served in the Royal Canadian Air Force when I was growing up. We moved a lot and yet, in spite of many absences because of his job, I always knew that I could count on my Dad.

His example to me were these core values…in the way that he lived his life:

  • Honesty
  • Loyalty
  • Love for family
  • Having fun
  • Freedom
  • Persistence
  • Hard work

I have been very blessed to have my Dad for my Dad.I’ll leave you with this Irish blessing:  “May your blessings outnumber the shamrocks that grow and may trouble avoid you where every you go!”

Happy Birthday, Dad! You are an awesome Dad and grandfather and we are blessed to have you in our lives!

And to the rest of the world, Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

 

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

 

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A crabHow being a crab in a bucket is causing you to fail in a bucket. Now that brings up an interesting picture doesn’t it?

We all want to be successful…at our careers, in our families, in our relationships…and often, we try everything to achieve that success.

We read books, we go to seminars. We invest in programs for success. We learn. Yet…often… we fail.

A Crab in a Bucket Story

There is a story. Once there was a young man on a beach, watching people catch crabs. A young man put a crab in a bucket, with a tiny bit of water on the bottom. The crab promptly scurried out of the bucket and jumped back into the ocean.

He caught another crab and put that crab in a bucket…and the same thing happened. It escaped and happily returned to the ocean. A wise old fisherman came up to the boy, and put his hand on the boy’s shoulder.

A wide smile crossed his weathered, bearded face and he said, “Son, you have to put two crabs in a bucket…that way…when one tries to get out…the other will pull him back in. Then, you won’t have to worry. They’ll keep each other in that bucket. They’ll be trapped…without you having to do anything else.”

The boy thought that was crazy. Then he did it. He caught one crab and then another. He put the first crab in a bucket, and then quickly put in the second crab. He was amazed. When the first crab tried to get out, the other one pulled him back in. And when the second crab tried to get out…the first one pulled him back in.

Does any of this sound like your life? Have you had the same kind of experience?

My Crab in a Bucket Experience

I have had many experiences in my life that could be classified as “crab in a bucket” experiences. One that stands out in my mind was when I was employed in the financial services sector (a temporary blip on my life screen).

One of the requirements of the job was to purchase a life insurance policy. I casually mentioned that the policy that my boss suggested wasn’t going to be any good…because I wanted to get married again and have another child.

He laughed at me. He said that I had more chance of being hit by lightning…than the chance of remarrying and having another child.

Now, I was 38 at the time, not dating anyone, had been officially divorced for a year, and had 4 children. It might have been illogical for me to have that dream…but it was my dream…

He wasn’t the only one who thought I was a fool for having that dream.

I got the policy that I wanted…and a short three months later, I met Shane…we have been married now for 17 years (this June)…and have a lovely 15 year old son…because I believe that dreams are possible…and that dream was definitely in the realm of the possible, wasn’t it? ; D

When the People in Your Life Don’t Support Your Dreams

…they become the crab in a bucket that pulls you down…down to the level that they are comfortable with. The limiting beliefs of others can tear our dreams apart…but only if you let them.

You have a choice. You can believe them. Most people are in this bucket. They are told they can’t do it…they can’t have it…and here are all of the good reasons. It’s subtle sometime…those saboteurs….

If you find yourself in that situation, build yourself a ladder out of the bucket. Here’s how:

  • Change your limiting beliefs at the core
  • Have faith in your dreams…if someone else can achieve them, why not you?
  • Cherish your dreams
  • Get the big picture of what you want in your life…make it bigger, brighter, and bolder…
  • Understand that you might need to let go of some of those crab in a bucket people…if they continue to try and pull you down…and you know…they often show up when you are successful…and don’t remember that they tried to keep you small.
  • Surround yourself with the people who have your back.
  • Lend a helping hand to others once you’ve gotten out of the bucket…

So don’t let others drag you down…the dream stealers…it can cause you to fail…

You can stop being a crab in a bucket…you can be the master of your own fate…it really is a choice…and when I look at the faces of my husband and son…I am so glad that I didn’t believe that dream wasn’t possible…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

P.S. Have you had a crab in a bucket experience that you pulled yourself out of? Let me know…in the comments below!

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