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I hear thisYou ARE good enough belief too many times.

It is the most common one that both male and female clients bring to me.

“I am not good enough”. It can manifest in so many ways…

When You Believe that You are not Good Enough

  • Your relationships are fragile
  • Your boundaries are weak
  • Your dreams are just out of reach
  • You feel powerless to make the changes you want

Perhaps, for some people there are moments when they feel successful even if they have this limiting belief. Often, though, it is fleeting…because here is the thing…if you really believed that you were  good enough…would you get in your own way…and perhaps sabotage your life…unconsciously…

Because for my clients…when they have that belief of not being good enough…the pattern has been this:

  • They work hard and do all the “right” things.
  • They are happy for a while, feeling like they are succeeding.
  • Chaos steps in and their life (in this area) begins to unravel.

And the cycle repeats itself. ..because they can’t really be successful long term.

“And it’s easy to believe you are not good enough if you listen to everybody else.” Mackenzie Astin

What Does Believing You are not Good Enough Look Like?

Let’s talk about an imaginary client. His name is Jim. He decides that it is time in his life to have an amazing relationship. He sets out all of his requirements on a vision board…does positive affirmations…visualizes daily…and lo and behold…in a short matter of time…there she is…the answer to his dreams.

Macy and Jim are happy and they date for a while. After they fall in love, they decide to get engaged and start to plan a wedding. Now…here…it all begins to unravel…they begin to fight…their individual needs stop being met…

Boundaries get weaker. Jim begins to compromise too much. Macy becomes more demanding, day after day. There is a lot of being taken for granted. They start to fight…each one wanting the other to bend…there is a power struggle…and finally…

One day, it all comes to a head…the conflict is too much…it is too intense…and one of them decides to call the whole thing off…

Now…on paper, it looked good. They loved each other; they had so much in common…they were headed for wedded bliss. But underneath it all, there was that nasty limiting belief “I am not good enough” and what it did was cause one or the other of them to behave in ways that would push the other partner away.

When there is that limiting belief, there is an underlying current…then…when they least expect it… it jumps up and overwhelms…. Not all relationships end because there is that limiting belief. However, the ones that don’t end with that limiting belief living in the head of one or both of the relationship partners…can be painful…can be hurtful…

So, I tell my clients to let that limiting belief go…we work on the origin of it…find the root cause and pull it out…because no one needs to believe that…do they?

Everyone is good enough…just because we are…just being in existence on this planet makes us good enough. Realize your wonderfulness…you were meant to be here…there is no one like you…anywhere…revel in the magnificence of who you are…just catch a glimpse…and know that you really are good enough…you always were…you just needed a reminder…tune into it…and here it is…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

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Is yourImagine feeling more connected and focused on your relationship relationship
suffering from lack of focus?

Does it feel scattered? Does your relationship feel like it has a life of its own and if it were a person, it would be diagnosed with attention deficit disorder?

Before I had children, I was extremely focused. When they came along, I swear that my memory was horrible, I had a hard time focusing on tasks and it took a long time to get ordinary chores done.

Partly, it was because of the lack of sleep.

Most of it, though, was due to interruptions. The phone would ring (constantly), there were trips back and forth to school, there were meetings, play dates, my job, dropping the kids off at sports events, meals to be made…the list goes on and on…

The same factors affect our relationships, don’t they…being so busy…that there is no time or priority given to your relationships…with children…with family…or with your partner.

Getting Laser Focused on Your Relationship

Let’s say you have made a decision to spend some time with your significant other. You go out to dinner at a good restaurant. If you want a boost in your connection level, do this to minimize distractions and interruptions:

  • Stop multitasking…no…when you are on the phone putting out fires at work while having dinner with your sweetheart…that is not quality time, is it?
  • Stop texting. Whoever is on the end of your phone can wait. If you are having a conversation with someone, ignore the sound of a text coming in. There is no rule that says that texts need to be answered immediately.
  • Stop scrolling through your social media. That’s right. Yes…social media plays a BIG part in our life today and I am grateful for the connection that it provides with all my friends/family/clients that live miles away. However, there is a time and a place for social media.
  • Stop checking your email. It’s the same idea as no texting, isn’t it? Have a regular time for doing that; schedule it for a time when you’re not with your sweetheart.
  • Stop talking about the kids. Find a common interest that you can talk about and you could even talk about what you appreciate about each other.

Your relationship deserves to have boundaries to protect it, just like you have boundaries…if a relationship is not nurtured and protected, it will falter….

Relationship Connections Are Made These 7 Ways

So, I have given you a laundry list of what not to do…what can you do to feel more connected?

  1. Look into each other’s eyes.
  2. Touch/hug. Even the brief touch of fingertips across a table is a way of connecting. We all need touch.
  3. Smile at each other. Laugh with each other.
  4. Share a 6 second kiss with each other, daily.
  5. Text, email or phone each other throughout the day, but not when you’re sitting across the table from each other. ; )
  6. Walk together.
  7. Share what you are grateful for. I know a couple who write down 5 things they are grateful for in a journal each evening…and then they share that with each other. It is a beautiful experience because that gratitude sheds its light on your relationship…

There is a great reward in slowing down and allowing yourself to focus on your relationship…to feel more connected to your partner…you can have that…if you have the basics there…love…shared values…then it is easy to get that laser focus back…and feel those feelings again…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

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When the going gets tough, the tough get going…and create new dreams.

No. This is not a reference to the Billy Ocean song. : D

When I was born, there were complications.

I was a breech baby and cesareans weren’t common in the hospital where I was born. Instead, the doctor turned me around and using a forceps, pulled me out by the head.

Because of that, I had nerve damage to my face. I had nerve damage to my left leg. The doctor cried. My mother and father were distraught. I was their first child and they expected me to be beautiful and perfect.

So, I smiled crookedly, with only one side of my face responding. I dragged my leg when I was learning to walk. No one told me that I should keep going. I just did.

I was the little girl that my parents found on TOP of the refrigerator, without a chair in sight. There were cupboards, though…: D
Because that is the nature of the human spirit. We keep going…even when the going gets tough…

What Do You Do When the Dream Didn’t Work Out?

We all love having dreams. We like to think about a wonderful future, especially when we are first in a relationship with someone. Then, if that relationship doesn’t work out, we feel hurt…we feel betrayed…we feel deprived of that dream…it’s like someone ripped it from our hands…isn’t it?

The dream that didn’t work out could be another kind of dream as well…it might be the dream of having a child…or of starting a new career…a business…a new home…there are many types of dreams that might not have worked out…

These steps help:

  • Realize that it is over…really over…that dream…
  • Let the past go…because you can’t solve a problem or move forward if you keep yourself in the past asking “What if…”.
  • Set new goals…SMART goals…specific…measurable…aligned with your values…realistic…timed…
  • Dream a new dream…visualize a new future…filled with a bright and joyful life based on what you value…

Starting Over from Scratch

It can be overwhelming to realize that often the best course of action is to start over from scratch. When you know that everyone has had to start at the beginning…at some point in time…you once were a baby who didn’t know how to walk or speak…and yet you did…you did learn, didn’t you?

And when I learned to walk…when I couldn’t walk without dragging my leg…I kept going…because I needed to learn to walk…it was a part of me…and so I did…walk…even though it wasn’t perfect.

And the funny thing is…that today…I walk without a problem…and my smile might be a bit lopsided but not enough for it to be noticeable…because I was lucky…and the brain is more plastic than we used to believe.

So, there are some things that we can overcome…some things that we just do overcome…naturally…others, we need to work at…and remember this:

“Every artist was first an amateur.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Give yourself a break. Even if the dream was one that you really wanted badly…you can keep going…and maybe the new dream will be different…and that’s okay…because we all dream…differently…don’t we?

Go out and be the artist of your own life…dream wonderful dreams…and become excellent at it…that’s right…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

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Grudges arerelationship tip 6 let go of grudges ugly. They hurt.

Grudges hurt relationships of all kinds.

They hurt mother/child relationships, spouse/spouse relationships, brother/brother or sister relationships…any kind of relationship.

Grudges cause rifts that seem to be too big to heal.

They make enemies out of close friends and strangers out of family members. Grudges suck.

What Lies Beneath the Forming of a Grudge?

There can be many things or there can be one event. It can be simple. Or it can be complex. Here are some common ways that you might recognize.

  • A misunderstanding
  • A miscommunication
  • A presumption
  • An assumption
  • A traumatic event
  • An offense made to one or both parties involved

At some point, if a relationship is important to you and you are the one holding a grudge, what steps can you take to let go of that grudge…so that the relationship can be salvaged…so that you stop living in the past and move on…

And even if the relationship can’t be salvaged…if you let that go…then you can go on and create something so much better, can’t you?

Steps to Stop Holding onto a Grudge

Forgiveness is the key. Whatever the circumstances that caused you to feel that way, forgiving is the main point to letting go of that negative state of holding a grudge. Forgiveness isn’t always easy though.

When you understand that forgiveness is for you…that you are the one freed…then it is easier to forgive…to find it in your heart to feel that feeling…because you deserve to be free.

That doesn’t mean that whatever happened was okay…it just means that holding onto it hurts you, doesn’t it? And you don’t need to carry that pain, anymore…

“Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on.”― Criss Jami

Be substantial enough…be big enough…to move on.

Recognize that you did the best you could, under the circumstances…because that is what we all do…Holding a grudge keeps you stuck in the past, at a point where it happened. Have you ever lain in bed at night, going over and over a time that was in your past…trying to think how things would have been different if you had done something different? Stop that!

Use a pattern interrupt to break that cycle of rehashing the event/time/person that you held a grudge over. If you find yourself going over it and over it and over it, do something else! Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you start getting stuck in that vicious cycle of thoughts…it works!

Realize that you can only change your own thought patterns. Each person is responsible for how they think. Even if you do forgive and let go of that grudge, the other party involved might not…and that is not your responsibility. They are at choice in how they manage their thoughts and feelings…just like you are.

So, forgive and let that grudge go…just because…and then when you have freed yourself from those chains…go out and create something absolutely amazing…that’s right…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

 

 

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I had anWhen you discover what those limiting beliefs were you can let them go interesting question on a comment last week from Tess. She asked “I am wondering how to tell what your limiting beliefs are?”.

My reply to Tess was this…

“Tess, that is a very good question and I think that it would be a good idea to write a post about that, since the answer can be complex. For a lot of people it can be simple to determine what the limiting belief is.

For example, notice the language that you are using. Actually listen. Have you ever noticed people who say “Oh, I’m just stupid” when they’ve made a mistake. They say that in a highly charged emotional moment. Now, from there, you can “guess” what the limiting belief is.

However, for a lot of people, if there is an issue that is deep, the unconscious mind keeps the real limiting belief hidden and it often takes some work to uncover what the root cause of problems is.

Especially if there has been a highly charged emotional event that caused the limiting belief in the beginning. Does that make sense to you? So, there are questions that can be asked, starting with what the problem is…and moving through different levels…down…to the root cause. Once the root cause is determined, then it can be eliminated.”

One of the Ways to Discover What Limiting Beliefs are Holding You Back

As I mentioned in my reply to Tess, it can sometimes be very simple. You just know what the limiting belief is. ..and for some people…they even know what caused it. But what if you don’t?

If you have already discovered what your values are…and you take a good look at your life…and see if the life you live is aligned with those core values. If for example, one of your core values is family and a close relationship…and you don’t have that…then, you need to ask some questions to see why you haven’t allowed that into your life…yet.

  1. Look at your values (freedom, family, finances, loyalty, trust, love, etc.)
  2. What do you want? What exactly?
  3. Why do you want it?
  4. Do you REALLY want it?
  5. If the answer is yes….then…
  6. Imagine having it…what does it look like…what does it feel like…what does it sound like….
  7. Then double that…make the picture brighter and bigger, the sounds louder and clearer, the feelings stronger and deeper….
  8. THEN…..what happens next? Watch for this…it can be tricky…
  9. Is there a voice that you hear inside of your mind saying something like “No, you can’t do/have/be that…” or another negative statement? Or is there a thought…or is there a feeling of no…
  10. What is that? Look/listen/feel what thoughts come up…usually, that is the limiting belief.

What Does a Limiting Belief Look Like?

A limiting belief usually comes in the form of an identity level statement…such as “I AM ______________”. Fill in the blanks…not worthy…worthless…helpless…unlovable…a loser…a failure…there is no end to what a limiting belief can be, is there?

And here is the thing…you don’t need to keep any of those limiting negative beliefs because they are lies…they are a LIE-ability…that’s right…

Even though those limiting beliefs lie hidden from us…the other than conscious mind really wants the best for us…and so if you have a limiting belief or maybe more than one ; D, usually the purpose behind it is to protect you, in some way…even if it doesn’t really…

So when you are ready to discover those limiting beliefs…you can…and they can go…you can let them go…can’t you? As I mentioned to Tess, sometimes, when there is a trauma or a big negative event, the unconscious mind doesn’t reveal what those limiting beliefs are easily…

If you give this exercise a go, it should work for those limiting beliefs that are close to the surface. For other beliefs, the deeply rooted hidden ones…well…they might need a bit of a helping hand to be brought to life…in a safe place…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

P.S. Special thanks to Tess for her courage in asking this question!

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