Relationship anxiety
is more common than you think. Everyone has had some experience of it, even if the anxiety was minor.
It is when it becomes crippling, that is where the trouble starts. If relationship anxiety is stopping you from having the relationships that you want…read on…
When the Anxiety is About Friendships
We all need to feel important. One of the ways that occurs for us is in relationship to other people. Have you ever belonged to a group of people, felt the need to leave that group for one reason or another…and because you left the group…people you considered to be friends no longer wanted anything to do with you?
That can be a cause of relationship anxiety when it applies to making new friends (yes, those are relationships that can have anxiety attached to them.) So a person who has been in this situation has difficulty putting themselves forward in new groups because of the memory of the loss of previous friend relationships. Let me repeat that. The memory.
That is why “shunning” is such an effective tool, if you want to hurt people (and I recommend that you don’t do that). Shunning is an act of social rejection and if you have ever had the experience of being shunned in a social situation, you know how painful that is.
When I was a child, I skipped a grade in school. So, all through elementary, junior and high school, I was the youngest person in the class. This led to a lot of bullying, shunning and other things…it wasn’t pleasant. It changed when I went to university at the age of 16 because the people who went there…wanted to be there…didn’t they?
Anxiety in Family Relationships
If you think about it, family are the people that we are supposed to feel the most comfortable with…and yet…sometimes, family can be our harshest judges and critics. Imagine…a family scene where there is a holiday…and everyone is gathered around the table. For some families, it is a time of harmony and love and sharing.
For others, it isn’t so. There may be excessive drinking, criticism, judging, unrealistic expectations or a combination of those. In that type of circumstance, it is difficult…and a person may indeed have developed a defense mechanism, like anxiety, to protect themselves.
At one point in time, that defense mechanism served a good intention. ..and in a way, was a good thing…even though it might not be working now. So you might feel anxiety when you think about going to family events.
Relationship Anxiety with a Romantic Partner
If you are already in a relationship and feel anxiety about it, there could be a few things going on. If you are walking on eggshells in the relationship:
- Ask yourself why? Is there a valid reason?
- Is there any abuse present, verbal or physical? If you can’t see it and someone you trust says that it is there, listen…
- If there is no abuse, is the relationship anxiety internal? Is it a result of how you are talking to yourself, the movies that you see in your mind and the feelings that you feel?
- Pay attention to the messages that you are receiving…
If those anxious feelings have a positive message for you, such as “Get out, you are in an abusive relationship that is destroying your self-esteem”, pay attention…
Whether you are getting back into the world of relationships because of a divorce, a break up, or even if you are a total newbie at it…it doesn’t need to be filled with anxiety. You know what I mean…the heart pumping, blood thumping, hand wringing, sweat filled moments when you even think about getting into a relationship with someone.
You stand there, waiting for the right words to come out and you come up with nothing…or even worse, you croak out a wonderful mishmash of words, a word salad that just sits there in front of you, shaming you…and that is the problem. Attached to the anxiety are other emotions, such as shame, guilt and fear.
The pictures that flash in front of your eyes are not ones of a fantasy filled happily ever after life…no…they are of all of the things that can go wrong…
You are good enough…just because…you are… Tweet this!
Letting Go of Relationship Anxiety
If you have ruled out the possibility of abuse (in any of the types of relationships…family…friends…or romance), there are steps that you can take to help you get rid of relationship anxiety.
- Seek help
- Rebuild trust with yourself and your self-esteem
- Keep your word and promises to yourself
- Speak kindly to yourself and be your own best champion
- Defend yourself because you deserve to be treated with respect…yes…you do…
- Avoid the drama
- Stop “seeing” a future where things go wrong in relationships
Let go of the past…just let it go…and start living in the now…because when you live in the now…you aren’t creating a negative future…because that is all that worry and anxiety really are…a creation of your own mind…and I don’t know about you…but my psychic abilities to forecast aren’t very good…and if you think about it…all those things that you imagined could go wrong…most of them really didn’t, did they…and that imagination can see so much…so why not let it see something good…and then…you can feel better…and you can see that it’s not all that bad…and you can put one foot in front of you…take a deep breath…just like that…and step into that better future…one where relationships can be easy…and peaceful…can’t you?
So when you have made the decision to have relationships that don’t require you to be “walking on eggshells”, you can have just that…wonderful relationships… free of relationship anxiety…happy…amazing…incredible…just like that…
“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner
P.S. If you haven’t read this post about “walking on eggshells”…then here it is…click here!
Sherie
Latest posts by Sherie (see all)
- The Truth About Getting Beyond Survival Mode in a Crisis - April 6, 2014
- Overcoming Emotional Pain: Easy or Not? - March 2, 2014
- If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress - November 3, 2013
Comments on this entry are closed.
Hello Sherie! Another great article!!
I just love your articles!
NLP is powerful enough to release all your anxieties, isn’t it?
Are you coaching someone right now?
NLP is a wonderful technique for releasing anxieties, Kai! I am really glad that you are enjoying the articles. Here is a link to some more info on coaching.https://sherievenner.com/coaching-rates/ I do have limited space available and ask that we have a discovery session first (without charge) before going ahead with any coaching. : D Thanks for asking!
Thanks for posting your wonderful articles and link. I’m enjoying it.
By the way, I also have my own blog. If you have time, you can check out http://nlptimelinetherapy.blogspot.com/
Thanks.
Thank you, Kai, and you have a very nice blog. : D
Thank you Sherie for checking out my blog.
What article do you like?
I would really like to know your feedback. Thanks. 🙂
There wasn’t just one specific article that I was referring to, Kai, it was your blog, specifically.: D Of course I love the subject matter!
Thank you for an Amazing article! I love your Letting go of Relationship Anxiety tips. I will definitely be sharing this on my social networks! Awesome!
Thank you for your kind words,Susan, and I really appreciate you sharing! <3
wow great article Sherie! Let go of the past and just start living now! That’s how we can do it! You are awesome my dear!
Awww…thank you, my dear! : D So are you!!
I had relationship anxiety after my divorce. It took some time to heal but i had to learn to be present with my feelings and keep moving forward. Once again, a wonderful article!
Divorce really is a big one in causing relationship anxiety. Thanks so much for your comment, Lisa!
Wow, that was an eye-opener for me Sherie! I too skipped a grade in public school and graduated at 16. Only I was so traumatized by being the youngest all the way through I stopped right there. I didn’t go back for University until I was 30. That’s probably where my life-long battle with low self-esteem started, but I’m getting better and stronger every day. Thanks!
Helena, wow, wasn’t that tough?? We are getting stronger and stronger every day! Big hugs…
In the past I have had relationship anxiety with family that was overwhelming! Such a great post I wish I had access to before! I have shared your wisdom on Twitter:)
Anita, there can be so much relationship anxiety with family. Thank you for your kind words and for sharing, you rock!
Relationships certainly do affect everything in our lives! I’m happy to say that I’ve worked through a number of the issues you’ve discussed here – but the biggest take away is to stay in the present moment and leave the past in the past. Your post reminds me of the idea of people coming into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime – it’s best if we allow the flow of this and not let our anxieties hold onto a relationship that is no longer *right* for us!
Wonderful insights, Moira, thanks for your comment!
“Avoid the drama” – Love it! Sometimes we try so hard to make a bad relationship work that we don’t realize how much less drama (and less stress) there could be if we just got out!
Right on, Nisha! I am a big advocate of making relationships work but some just need to be kicked to the curb!
Ahhhh, the drama. I have had to let go of a couple of ‘friends’ in the last 8 months. It go so bad (anxiety) that even ‘thinking’ of them would take me off my game. That’s a pretty good sign that I was not honoring myself, huh? : )
It was…and we so need to pay attention to the signs! Thanks for your comment, Steve!