Have you been plagued by relationship anxiety? Has it been a factor in your life because of your own anxiety or because of the anxiety of a partner?
Nerves and butterflies are fine – they’re a physical sign that you’re mentally ready and eager. You have to get the butterflies to fly in formation, that’s the trick. ~Steve Bull
Symptoms of Relationship Anxiety
Here is how you can tell if anxiety is a problem for you in social situations, relationships or even work related areas. You do not need to be in a romantic relationship with someone in order to have relationship anxiety. Everything is relationship.
- Are you suspicious of another person’s behavior? Do you make up stories in your mind about what they are thinking or doing when you are not around?
- Are you overly needy when you are in a relationship? Do you need constant reassurance that the other person/job/friend will always be around? Do they need to prove their allegiance to you, over and over again?
- Are you impulsive? Have you heard the story about the young woman who broke into her lover’s girlfriends house in order to see if they were both there, cheating on her? Yes, that is definitely impulsive behavior.
- Are you bothered by mood swings? You feel up and then down with no predictor of which mood will come over you in a social , work, or relationship situation?
- Are you an over analyzer of the relationship? Do you try and read meaning into every little word or thing?
All of these symptoms can be mild or can escalate until they make how you function in your life difficult. Some people only feel anxiety when they are in a romantic relationship. Some people feel anxious in their work related roles. Others feel anxiety when they are at different social gatherings with friends and loved ones.
What Lies Beneath Relationship Anxiety
The root cause of anxiety is fear and what is fear? Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real….that’s right…unless you are being pursued by a bear in the woods or another event where fear is appropriate.
Fear of an event that has not happened yet is fear that you create in your mind with your imagination. You imagine that the event will turn out badly…and so, I must ask you this…”Why would you imagine a future that is less than you want?”
Think about that for a moment. Why would you? Perhaps…and this is just an idea…you have made it a habit to do so…it has become part of your automatic operating system. The grooves in your brain, the patterns that years of negative beliefs have created, are there. They are a well worn path that your mind likes to travel and so it is easy to fall into that pattern.
Steps to Feeling More Confident and Avoiding Relationship Anxiety
Use that wonderfully creative imagination of yours to visualize a happy future, one filled with ease.
Create an anchor that you can trigger when you feel distressed and full of anxiety. Click here for more instructions on that.
Set small goals for yourself, baby step goals, in your relationships and then celebrate their success. If you have anxiety over calling someone up on the phone, set a small goal to find the phone number. That is a baby step. Another baby step after that is to put the number into your cell phone as a contact…and so on, until you work up to actually being able to call.
If there is a specific event that you are creating anxiety about, imagine the event being over and that it is fifteen minutes after and you tell yourself “That worked out well”…it really helps (it works great if you are taking a test, too!).
Relationship anxiety does not need to be permanent. It can be overcome, really…and the important question is this one and worth repeating…” Why would you imagine a future that is less than you want?”…it is that simple…maybe not easy in the beginning but it will be soon…because you can use that brilliant brain of yours to imagine something different…can’t you?
“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner
Sherie
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Sherie,
I enjoyed reading your blog on this subject. As a person I suffer from mild anxiety that is exponentially heightened when I’m in a romantic relationship. This has happened in my past 2 relationships and including my current one. Once I become attached, I feel the constant need to be reassured that my girlfriend will be around, accepts me, wants to see me, etc. I completely over-analyze every little thing (the ‘tone’ of a text message, the length between replies, if she uses a smiley face in a text message or not, body language, if she initiates hand holding a day that I see her, how happy she appears to be when she sees me that day, etc) I constantly believe she is upset with me and/or planning to break up with me. It’s at the point where it’s interrupting my every day life and work days. And there are times where I do get that reassurance but I can only enjoy it for so long before I need it again. I’m like a plant that needs to be watered over and over and I understand it’s silly to think this way. I feel kind of trapped in my anxiety to the point where I’m going to sabotage this relationship and any future relationship. I was with someone for 6 years between 2006-2012 and did not feel any of this, at least not that I can remember. Why is it this way now? I’d also like to point out that my current girlfriend has given me no reason not to trust her, is open and honest with me and we do converse daily. Why can’t I just accept things at face value instead of over-analyzing every little bit and assuming the worst?
JD, thanks so much for reading the post and for your comment. You said something very interesting…”Once I become attached…” that could be part of the problem…and realize that I only have a small bit of information to go on here…but here is what it looks like to me. I have seen situations where people are unaware of the fact that they have “merged” with the other person and have partly lost the concept that they are two separate people, coming together in a relationship yet remaining separate. When someone loses the connection with themselves, they become more dependent on the other person for reassurance and as a result, suffer more anxiety, including a type of separation anxiety. Now…I’m just going on the few words that you have given me here…but when you feel strong in yourself…when you focus on what you want…and on creating a totally awesome life with your own dreams and ideals, then anxiety lessens…it just has to…and relationships become more joyful…with less of the stress and worry…because you know that you are just fine…whether you are in a relationship with another or not. Does any of this ring a bell for you or sound like a possibility?
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Hi Sherie, I am 26 and in a great relationship with a great guy from a great family. We have been together for a year now. We have started to get into these fusses because of his brother and brother’s girlfriend. My boyfriend, his younger brother and his brother’s girlfriend talk to each other easy. When we are around them, his brother will not speak to me because he is scared of his girlfriend getting mad at him. I tried talking to him but it doesn’t help. I have told my boyfriend but he only gives him the excuse that that’s how he is. Then I ask my boyfriend why does he think its fair for him to talk to her if his brother can’t talk to me. So when we go out, it is very strange for me because I try to talk, but its mostly them. The only way I get any communication is some by my boyfriend and a little by her. So, I start feeling ignored and like my boyfriend likes his girlfriend more than me and its starts a fuss. I know it sounds childish but you have to be there. Their parents (my boyfriend and his brother) does the same thing like I have done something very wrong and barely speak to me. I have never said or done anything bad to them and I am tired of feeling like I am in the way or not important. Thank you.
Lanie, this sounds like a tricky situation. It can be very stressful to feel like you are being left out of the conversation. Remember, that no matter what is going on around you, you have to realize that you are important…and not defined by the situation…hugs…
Sherie recently posted..If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress
What a great article. It’s true what they say, the mind is your biggest gift and your worst enemy, but YOU choose which one it is. I went through this with my girlfriend for a couple of months in our LDR. It really becomes like a disease that spreads inside of your mind. The intensity builds, the worries and thoughts get more and more out of control, you start making the most unreal bad scenarios in your mind of what is going on, it’s just poison for your mind and poison for your relationship! I know for me 3 things stopped it… #1 Identifying that the issue really had nothing to do with her, but it had everything to do with trust issues of my past which lead to wanting certainty all the time, etc, etc.. #2 (I recommend this to everybody in this situation) For 1 month do your best to STOP doing the impulsive habits that lead to these bad thoughts, worries and confrontations…it won’t hurt anything, it will only help.. it works! #3 Look at your relationship from the outside. They’re still with you when they don’t have to be right? Do problems only arise with you and your partner when you bring up that’s bothering you? How often is your partner bringing up things that bother them about what you done versus how often you bring up issues that bother you? The reason these questions are important are because we need to see the imbalance of how much we are going into toxic thoughts & worries versus how many real issues are happening that deserve reservations on our parts. When 9 times out of 10 you’re the one upset, worried, paranoid, bothered, fearful, etc…and bringing it up, then logic will tell you that the real issue is something you have to deal with inside yourself. We all want and need assurance from our partner’s but the further we go along in the relationship the assurance and reassurance should slow down abit, you shouldn’t have to be asking yourself the same questions in your mind about whether this person really wants to be with you, when they’ve already been in a relationship with you for 4 months, 9 months, a 1 year and a half, etc… Confidence is Real! And everybody should be confident!
Thank you, Angelo, and I really appreciate your insightful and well thought out comment…well said! Everyone can be confident…if they can recognize that they had the power all along…
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Hello. I am hoping to receive some positive feedback on my situation. I have been in a very loving, compatible, wonderful relationship for a year and 3 months now. My boyfriend is absolutely wonderful and truthfully everything I could ever want in a guy. He is trustworthy, honest, sweet, compassionate, funny, and a true gentleman. He treats me so well. Up until about 3 months ago, everything was wonderful. However, something went wrong with me. I began having these anxious thoughts for absolutely no reason whatsoever…they were all these “what ifs”…Like “what if I don’t love him anymore?”…”what if he isn’t the one for me?” “what if we are getting bored of eachother?” “what if we break up?” “what if I’m with him for the wrong reasons?”…Although I know deep down inside that I know none of these questions are true, I keep replaying the thoughts over and over again in my mind. I have always been an OCD and anxiety prone person. I have always worried constantly when there was no reason to worry. However, with it being so focused on my relationship, it makes me feel worse because it is about someone I truly love and want to be with. I just want it to go away so i can feel 100% again. I have been to a counselor who has given me some insight which has made things a lot better for me. I have been doing better overall and improving. Also, my boyfriend knows about everything and the anxiety and everything I have been thinking and feeling. He has been extremely supportive and has also read up on relationship anxiety to try and help me the best he can. Overall, things have gotten better…but I really want insight on how I can feel 100% again. Any advice please?
Thank you,
Kate
Feeling 100% again is a good goal to have. It sounds like you are on the right track with seeing a counselor. Anxiety is something that can only be truly gotten rid of when you get to the root of the matter and find the underlying cause. Instead of replaying those thoughts in your mind, try replacing them with something else…something more positive…and break the vicious cycle…and keep working with your counselor to find out what is causing the anxiety…because when you let that go…everything changes.
Sherie recently posted..If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress
Well I feel as if the reason why I am anxious is because, every single relationship I have had in the past has had something wrong with it. The first two boyfriends I have had have been rude, impolite, not family men, not helpful, insensitive, and have played games with my heart. Therefore, I feel as if my mind is scrambling to look for something to be wrong with this guy….since we have been dating for a while…and I am having a difficult time letting it go…just accepting the fact that everything is how it’s supposed to be. My counselor told me I need to accept that everything is going right and everything is going the way it is supposed to be. She told me I need to stop looking for problems and be confident in the fact that my relationship is healthy. She told me I need to tell myself positive things like “My boyfriend and I are going to become closer” and “He’s an amazing guy and I know that”…and not tell myself things like “He will leave me”…or…”He’s probably just like the rest.
If those things are true, that he is an amazing guy, then definitely tell yourself that. Remember that he’s not responsible for what anyone else did in the past. Focus on the now. If there is nothing wrong in the relationship, allow yourself to be happy…because you do deserve that. How about you start looking for what is right with him and the relationship…and focus on that…instead. It can help to make a list of all of the things that were wrong with the others…then make a list of what is right with your current relationship…and see how there is a difference. When we put it down on paper, it brings more clarity. Look for the differences…
Sherie recently posted..If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress
I feel I have bad anxiety about my relationship at the moment. I have been fine for several months up until last week when I suddenly felt more anxious again. This caused my boyfriend, of almost 2years, to confront me about it. Since then I’ve felt very anxious and worried about my relationship. Feeling I need reassurance. Part of me knows I’m being stupid, but the other half believes I need this reassurance. It is a long distance relationship so I have always had small anxiety on and off I think. But up until last week I’ve felt very calm and happy in my relationship. I am seeing him for Christmas, and I know as soon as I spend time with him I’ll feel so much happier. I just find it hard in my head to distinguish between thoughts and facts. I know he loves me but because he doesn’t constantly say it I get anxious which is stupid. I think I have low confidence and I am insecure. I really want to take control of this situation. How can I do so, and is it good for me to tell him how I am feeling when anxious? Thank you
Laura, your not being stupid. Anxiety is real and very, very uncomfortable…because when we think that something bad is going to happen and imagine it, then bad feelings come along with it. So, was there something specific that happened so that you started feeling anxious, again?
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I’m sure it is because last weekend he confronted me about several things which I do which were on his mind. So naturally when someone tells you these bad habits which you do, you become very aware of them and I then started to get very anxious. I think the distance definitely contributes to this as it’s hard to judge what the other person is feeling on the end of the phone or by text etc. I’m pretty sure that when I see him in a few days and we can talk face to face I will be able to put my mind at ease. I actually feel a lot more calm about it after talking to my best friend about it last night. Do you have any tips for me on how to keep my anxiety in check or how to communicate with my boyfriend about my anxiety? Thank you for replying before, it’s much appreciated!
There are a number of things that you can do…but remember that there is often a message in the anxiety…and it all depends on the origin of it. If there is a deep seated reason for the anxiety (and there often is), then the tips will just help ease it…not eliminate it. One thing that you can do is actually feel the feelings that have come up when you were confronted/criticized. Is there any truth to what he said? If there is, is it something you can change or even want to change? When we actually allow ourselves to feel those feelings and not run away from them, they lose their power.
Sherie recently posted..If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress
Yes all of the things he said are true. Such as searching for the bad and over analyzing. Also he mentioned about how much we say we love each other. I think he feels it is something really special to say and so it shouldn’t be said all the time. I thought we had just come to a natural plateau of when we say it, but he says sometimes he’s felt he has to say it more to please me and now he is saying it less which makes me anxious and worried. Despite the fact I know it doesn’t mean he means it any less, the fact that how often he says it has changed suddenly springs worry into my mind.
Laura, have you thought that the two of you might have differing love strategies? Take a look at this post about love strategies. Some people feel loved when they hear it, others need to have presents given to them, for others it is a touch/hug. If you need to hear “I love you” in order to feel loved, it isn’t unreasonable. When you know the love strategy of your partner, it is important to speak to them in their own “language” or “strategy”…because that can be a big part of the anxiety that you are feeling. So…my advice is to sit down with your partner (and read the post here!)…discover your strategies and what makes you feel loved…then go from there!
Sherie recently posted..If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress
Sherie,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we love each other VERY much although it has not been an easy road. I have some very serious trust issues brought on by his actions in the past and after reading your article it was clear to me that those issues have developed into relationship anxiety. He has lied to me about contact with ex girlfriends, about texting and emailing other girls (and telling them that him and I were on a break), I once found naked pictures of a girl on his phone. I have very strong intuition about these things and was always asking him for reassurance that he would not do it again. He would always say no, absolutely not, I love you and always will, I won’t do it again. I always wanted to believe him but deep down I still have suspicions. I once texted a number on his phone and the woman told me that they had kissed once. He denies most of the things that I find. After the cheating accusation our relationship was broken for about 4 months. and then he really changed and I chose to forgive him because I love him too much to lose him. We live together and he is my best friend, I would feel so hopeless without him. After months of feeling confident again my friend found out that he had a current online dating profile. He once again denied this.
I am struggling with what to do. Everything has been so perfect and we even looked at engagement rings together. I just wish he would own up to everything and that way I would not have to feel like I am so insecure and unsure. I feel like I would be so hopeless without him and I know that it is not healthy to place all my happiness on him. I do not have a relationship with my father and I think I am trying to fill that void with my boyfriend. I know how our relationship looks to everyone and I know that if it were one of my girlfriends in this relationship I would have told them to leave a long time ago. But I love him so deeply that I am willing to forgive his mistakes. He is changing and is going to counseling, deleted facebook, and dating accounts, and does not go out to bars as much. But I know that if I am going to forgive him I have to change myself too and learn how to be happy on my own. I am just absolutely scared to death of what may happen to us in the future although I refuse to leave him because I am so in love with him and him with me. Sometimes I worry he does not have as much of an intense love for me as I have for him. We spend all of our time together, we live together and have for 2 and a half years, have two dogs and have so much fun together. We have built a life. It is only when I have these suspicions and old feelings come up that our relationship isn’t perfect.
Can you please give me some advice and shed some light on this for me.
Thank you!
Tiana, I think you have some very, very good reasons to have suspicions…and often when we feel that we love someone deeply, it can be hard to take a good hard look at reality and see what is really happening. Yes, you need to be happy on your own…because when it comes down to it, if you don’t have a good relationship with yourself, then you can’t really have a good relationship with anyone else.
I would pay attention to those feelings that you have…and really listen to the message that they are giving you…and I would have to say that his behaviors don’t bode well for a happy future. What would you tell a girlfriend if she were in the same spot that you are in?
Sherie recently posted..If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress
I am now in a relationship that seems perfect. It is fairly new 4 months, but I trust my gf and she trusts me. However, I feel anxiety when we are apart as we live in different cities so only meet up at weekends and the main reason I believe I feel anxiety is that she still keeps in contact with her exs when they contact her and is open to me about it to me, which I respect. She says she wouldn’t mind if I were in contact with my exes in the same way. She says she just wants to remain on a friendly basis with them and I believe her. She is a person that hates hurting people but she knows she is giving them false hope yet wishes they’d just accept it’s all over between them. Despite people telling her she should cease contact until they accept it’s over she still responds in a friendly way to the exes when they contact her by phone, email, skype etc. She constantly tells me there is no competition and she is a person that really is loyal to only one person at a time. That’s me. I actually believe it as she treats me like a king and is open and honest about their communication if I ask or if she volunteers the information.
I know there are people that don’t block and ignore their exs because they are kind people and believe that friendship is better than losing everything from a person. I don’t get this concept fully but am trying to understand it but it causes me to imagine all sorts of silly things…..and I admit that….I just can’t shake it off. Even when I’m doing things with friends it’s in the back of my mind. I feel guilty that it doesn’t seem as if I’m trusting my gf and wonder what is wrong with me.
Arthur, I appreciate your comment. Long distance relationships can be more complex. Yet, there are many people who are successful in them and don’t feel any anxiety at all. You’ve told me that you trust your girlfriend and that she trusts you. That is a great foundation, for any relationship. A lot of people are on a fairly friendly basis with their exes, especially if there are children involved. You hit the nail on the head when you said that you “imagine” all sorts of silly things…what would happen if you imagined good things? If you really trust her and she is being honest with you, then why not imagine good things? That is what worry basically is…it is imagining negative things. So…try doing the opposite…and see what happens then…it just might be that simple…
Sherie recently posted..If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress
Thank you for the post, I was under the impression that I was co dependent. But after coming accross your article I know that my problem is more relationship anxiety than co dependency.
Now I know hwat the problem is I can stoart working on it
Jill, thanks so much for reading the post and commenting! When you know what the problem is, that is a huge step in getting it solved.
Sherie recently posted..If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress
Hello Sherie!
I would greatly appreciate your help on this one.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. 6 months ago he was depressed and anxious about his life and so that led to him thinking he possibly didn’t love me anymore , and then a few weeks after that he said over the phone that he was going to break up with me in a couple days. The next time I saw him we had a great time and many, many more. Now fast forwarding to the present, he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, he wants to marry me in the near future when we are able to, he will be getting me a promise ring in the meantime, and he’s just so sweet and loving and it’s honestly absolutely perfect. He said he never stopped loving me when that stuff from the past happened, he was just in a bad state. So my problem now is that ever since that incident happened I’ve been anxious, however, the anxiety stopped for 3 months, but these past few days I’ve been getting nervous again. I don’t understand why. Is it because of what happened many months ago? I’m also thinking it might be because he’s signing up for the Navy tomorrow. His estimated time for basic training is in June or July so I’m not necessarily worrying about the time. I don’t know what to do about this. He’s always reassuring me and we love each other so much.
Could you explain to me why I feel this way, what I can do to fix it and maybe something he could do?
I really appreciate it Sherie.
Danielle, when we’ve had our trust broken (by someone saying that they want to break up with us), it’s like a trauma. The feelings are anchored to that event and are triggered again when something like signing up for the Navy happens. No matter how much he reassures you, it would be normal to feel anxiety. You would need to let the emotions go from that triggering event, in order to not feel anxious anymore. Take a look at his behaviors. Is there anything else that you see happening that has concerned you?
Sherie recently posted..If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress
Thank you so much for your reply! I actually feel way better than I did yesterday, but I’m hoping my anxiousness doesn’t come back.
To answer your question, he hasn’t done anything that has concerned me. He’s been so great and loving. He was dealing with depression around that time and was overwhelmed, he never wanted to actually leave me and he never stopped loving me.
But how could I possibly forget or completely let go and rarely think about that event?
Even though you can understand logically why he said what he said, that doesn’t change the feelings, does it? There are a number of ways to deal with trauma (NLP, EFT, hypnosis). It involves going back to that moment in time and releasing the feelings…changing the decision that you made in that moment. That can be difficult to do on your own because you need the perspective of an observer, who isn’t involved emotionally in the event. Ideally, you would find a practitioner in your area who could help you…otherwise, you could give me a shout.
Sherie recently posted..If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress
Hi Sherie!
I’m wondering if you can shed some light on my situation. I’ve been in a living relationship for four and a half years with a wonderful man. We are getting married in a month and this summer developed an anxiety disorder. It started with an intense fear of losing my partner and him calling off the wedding. Now it has morphed into me not being able to feel anything at all for him and feeling do anxious around him. Deep down I know that I love him but I feel so weird around him and awkward kissing him that I want so desperately to feel like normal and afraid I won’t ever feel connected to him again. Can you explain how my fears of losing him morphed into everything not feeling right between us? It is making me miserable.
Megan, there can be many reasons for feeling this way…and here is one of them. Often, when we want something SO much and we finally get it, we feel uncomfortable because we feel like we really don’t deserve it. Then…we get in our own way…and start sabotaging ourselves. Now…I don’t know if that’s you or not…often it can be complex. Does this ring a bell for you or make sense? Or is it something else? I really appreciate you commenting, by the way…
Sherie recently posted..This #1 Reason Why People Have Relationship Anxiety
Hi,
I am so glad I came across this article.
I am 39 years old and ended my 16 year ‘loveless’ marriage in May 2012. 4 months later I met a wonderful man and fell head over heals in love with him. I had insecurities right from the start and about a month into our relationship I started suffering from relationship anxiety for the first time ever.
He was very supportive and constantly re-assuring me that he wasn’t going anywhere and that everything was ok…always telling me not to worry and to stop thinking negatively.
We have now been seeing each other for 11 months and my anxiety is worse than ever. We don’t get to spend much time together as we both have children ( I have 4 and he has 2) and he has a son who is ill and requires a lot of his time and attention. He still tells me not to worry but I am scared that I am going to lose him, that he might find someone else, that he doesn’t want me anymore..things like that.
This past weekend we went out on friday night for dinner and we enjoyed each others company, he put his arm around me as we walked back to the car…he gave me a long hug when we said goodnight and kissed me firmly twice. He told me to stop over thinking and living in the past (referring to a previous event that happened between us) and he said we will have to catch up soon. The thing that got me worried was that this was the first weekend EVER that he didn’t have his kids, so when I asked if he would like me to stay the night and he said no he needed to sleep as was exhausted, I started to think the worst. I barely slept that night. The next day I asked if he was ok and if he still wanted to see me and he said yes…but then I didn’t get a text for a day and a half. He didn’t reply to any of mine and so the cycle began again. I spent all of Saturday curled up on my bed worrying and thinking the worst, then Sunday I took myself to the beach for a walk and to try and take my mind off it but spent the day stressing and worrying…I even drove past his street to see if he was home or not, which he was – so why did he ignore me?
I was unable to eat all weekend I was so overcome with anxiety and worry.
This morning I text him good morning and he replied and inlcuded some kisses (xxx) and suddenly I felt that everything was right with the world again.
I love this man more than I have ever loved a man before…I want a future with him…I don’t want my anxiety to push him away and ruin any chance we have. This is so not like me. I don’t understand.
Why am I so scared? I feel like I am crazy. All I can think about is him and the relationship. I over analyze every text, every silence, every reason he can’t catch up. How can I stop this before it ruins everything for good.
Thanks
Rebecca, congratulations on leaving a bad marriage and creating a new and great relationship!
When we have gone through the trauma of divorce, we can react to getting what we really want in less than resourceful ways…just because we are afraid.
And our imaginations are SO powerful. We can terrify ourselves with what we DON’T want to happen and some people are really, really good at doing that.
So, the next time this happens, you need to break the state you are in. STOP doing that going over and over in your mind. Call a friend, go out to a movie (not advised in the middle of the night!). Make a vision board of what you want if you can’t keep one in your mind. Minimize the picture you have created of the worst thing happening. FOCUS on what you want, not on what you DON’T want…that can be hard to do when you are stuck in that state…but you can do it…
Don’t hold your breath. We do that when we are in a fear/anxiety state. BREATHE. Breathe again….slow it down….when you slow the breath down, you slow the mind…
For some people, this is enough…others need to get help to get over the trauma of the previous relationship. My dear…no matter what has happened in the past…remember this…you absolutely deserve to have a wonderful relationship. When you KNOW this…deep inside…that anxiety will melt away. Remember…you do have a choice…whether you know it or not…right now…
Sherie recently posted..Needy and Desperate? This Simple Guide to Feel Confident in Your Relationships
Hello Sherie, I have at times, extreme anxiety in my relationship. Well we have broken up but we are enjoying our space and hopefully reconnecting at the end of the summer (we both agreed the break up was necessary). In the mean time I have realized that my insecurity, anxiety, overanalyzing and constant re-assurance seeking had slowly eroded the relationship. I want to change but my anxiety makes it hard too, every time I feel lost I read an article like this one (reassurance seeking?)
Everytime we got in a fight I’d get super anxious thinking she was going to break up with me and I’d cave and apologize even when she wasn’t ready to. Anytime I was concerned I’d ask her for reassurance. Then it would come up again in my head a few days later and I’d ask again. And that is a vicious cycle. This among other things of course caused her to pull away and it turn made me try to hold on tighter and make the anxiety and insecurity much worse.
Again, I’m just looking to improve. Be more happy on my own so I don’t need a partner to be happy and of course the biggest part of all I think is to control my anxiety and insecurities better. Any more specific tips would be great, thanks a lot!
Recognizing that you need to be more happy on your own is a great place to start. Having a partner/relationship is wonderful but it’s not their job or responsibility to fill any void that you might feel in your life. It’s more about having a partner to build a life with, know what I mean? Hand in hand.
People feel anxious when they think that without a relationship, they don’t have worth. Your worth is never based on your relationship status…you have worth just because you are…
Work on your self esteem and let go of the limiting beliefs…and know that whether you have a relationship or not, you’re okay.
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Hi Sherrie,
I too answered yes to all of the above questions. I have relationship anxiety from past relationships. Some ended due to myself, some due to the other person. My partner now is incredible and we both love each other very much. She is away with work at the moment for another 10 Weeks (15 in total) and I cant help worrying that she is going to change or not want me anymore when she gets home (or worse, find someone else). She is constantly telling me how she loves me, misses me etc but I still think the worst. I think I am so scared of losing her because I feel that she is perfect, ‘the one’, and couldn’t imagine her not being there anymore. During our relationship we have always spent every spare moment together but now she is away, and due to the kind of work we do, we can only contact each other via email 95% of the time. Do you have any advice? I do feel like I am being stupid and just wish I could stop worrying because deep down I do think that everything will work out and be fine. Thank you.
One thing that I want to make clear, here, Josh, is that you are NOT stupid. Whenever someone is in the grip of relationship anxiety, it is because of a past trauma/limiting belief…that happened at a point in time when their unconscious mind thought it was the very best decision…for the circumstances.
Unfortunately, no matter how much one is reassured that they are loved/missed, it’s never enough…because that isn’t the problem, is it? You will need to find out the WHY beneath the relationship anxiety. When you find that out and let it go…then the relationship anxiety will go away.
You’ve taken a big step…recognizing that it is a problem. So give yourself a mental pat on the back…because that is a huge step. Now…find out what lies underneath it all.
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Hi Sherrie-
Thank you for writing this article. The questions you posed at the outset of your article have really helped me acknowledge that I have relationship anxiety, because I answered yes to each of them. However, I know my anxiety is being brought upon by my last relationship with a man who lied to me from the very beginning, and only through catching him in a series of lies after 3 months of dating, did I finally figure out that he was still married. Even after he was caught, he maintained his innocence and it’s making me feel like I’m crazy. I am now so paranoid that EVERYONE is duplicitous that I’m afraid that I’m going to sabotage a budding relationship with a man that I really like by acting like a “psycho” who needs constant reassurance that everything is ok. Do you have any advice for me?
Jillian
Jillian, wow! There are people who are really good at manipulating others and making them feel like they are the crazy one. How wonderful that you found out about this guy and kicked him to the curb. Way to go!
One of the things that you can do is realize that most guys are great…that there are a few bad apples in the bunch. So don’t assume that the next relationship will turn out the same way. Look at the criteria you are using to choose the people you are in relationship with. What are they?
When we have been deceived, it can be looked at as a trauma…because for a lot of people that is what it is…so you might need to do some work on that…and let it go, first.
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Thank you for posting this article. I am a lonely 24 yr old male. I have been lonely for about 3 yrs now. I wasnt aware of relationship anxiety till now. I believe it is the reason I am extremely apathetic towards approaching and dating women. But your article was insightful for me. Thank you
I am glad that the article helped shed some light on this for you, Diandre. Thanks so much for your comment!
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It is not within man to direct his own steps… Proverbs
Do nothing out of selfish ambition…
Christ is the only rewarding constant all else is fleeting and vane.
See Ecclisiaties ?sp
Thanks for the article though.
I appreciate your comment, Larry.
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