Have you found yourself in a group of people or with family and felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness? Most people think that they can be lonely only when they are alone. That's not true…you can feel lonely anytime, anywhere, with anyone…
"The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved" ~ Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Loneliness is Different than Being Alone
We all know people who are alone…who are vibrant, energetic and quite enjoy their aloneness. On the other hand, there are other people…perhaps you know someone like this or maybe it is you…I don't know…that person can feel lonely even when they are in a crowd…they feel disconnected and it's almost like walking through life…invisible…do you know what I mean?
It is normal to feel lonely when someone that you love leaves, whether it is for a business trip or perhaps, permanently. The other type of loneliness is very pervasive and underlying. It can have at its root many things, including:
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Low self esteem
- Fear
- Phobias
- Etc.
Loneliness is a feeling…a feeling of being disconnected, of aloneness…like you don't belong any where…feelings of isolation…some people will say that it feels like being an alien on the planet earth…that is how disconnected it can be…
For some people, that state of loneliness can pass quickly but for others, it stays around and can become stuck if you don't move through that feeling quickly…and that is the problem…the stuckness of that state…because feeling that loneliness for too long can really hurt and be damaging and lead to even more disconnectedness with yourself and with ourselves.
As people, we all need to feel connected, don't we….to feel that we are important and that we matter to someone…it's just human nature….
Breaking the Vicious Cycle of Loneliness
It can become a vicious cycle…you feel that loneliness and as a result of that negative self talk in your mind…and that inner critic…you stop doing the things that bring you into contact with others…so you stay home…gaming…watching TV…eating…smoking…drinking…or whatever it is that you might do…in order to isolate yourself even more.
In this day and age of social media and networking, it is an illusion that if you have 593 friends on Facebook and Twitter, that you are really connected. I love being on those social media sites but for some people (not everyone)…that can make them feel even more isolated. That might sound counter intuitive but it can. There is no substitute for live human interaction. Really.
We are all human beings who need to see into the eyes of the people we are talking with, to read the body language of another while they are speaking to us…so many miscommunications can happen if we only see the words…and don't hear the intonation, the look on another person's face as they are speaking to us…
So, if you are relying mostly on Facebook or another social media site (and by the way, I love Facebook and other social media sites) if it is used correctly…as an addition to an already flourishing life of connection…connection with yourself and others…it can be a wonderful medium for sharing…as long as it is not the primary or only way of sharing…do you get my drift?
So there are many things that can be done to break that vicious cycle of loneliness and here are just a few:
Ask yourself this question: How am I feeling lonely? Be specific in how you answer this…because it is your first step in knowing. When you know where you are…you can change it…
Eliminate the negative self talk: If you believe that you are unworthy of being in relationships with people, then you will create anxiety and fear and phobias around the idea of being in relationship with others. That belief needs to go because otherwise, a person will tell themselves lies like this even when they are with other people "They really don't want to be here" "She doesn't really like me" "There must be something wrong with them if they are hanging around with me".
Build up your self esteem: Once you eliminate the negative self talk and the underlying beliefs….you need to replace it with something…something good and true…that you are worthy and that you do deserve…because you do, don't you?
Connect with yourself: This can be done in many ways and here are a few ideas…meditation…walking meditation (just going for a walk and connecting with nature is amazing)…prayer…visualization…allowing yourself to feel good…stopping any activities that are abusive to you…you know the ones that I mean…those addictions are abusive to you…you can let them go…somehow.
Talk to people in real life: If your beliefs and ideas of yourself have led you to scale back on your connections in real life, start slowly and build them back up. Do it slowly and gradually…baby steps work…do volunteer work for others less fortunate than you and yes, there are people less fortunate than you…if you put the focus on others, it is amazing on how quickly that feeling of loneliness can fade…just like that…without you even noticing…be of service…
Get help from a professional: If you can't deal with this yourself, get help…there is no shame in that…seriously…
Remember this…we are all important and we are all here for a reason…find that reason and you will connect to yourself in so many brilliant ways and loneliness will be just a thing of the past, a distant fading memory…shoved out of your life by all of the vibrancy and joy that you can handle…just like that.
"Drive your own life…you deserve to, don't you?" Sherie Venner
Sherie
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hii my neme is renu sharma am feeling vry lonely
Renu, sorry to hear that…
Sherie recently posted..If You Can Do This Like A Navy Seal, Then You Can Knock Out Stress
yes it’s true i feel lonely when i m going any party or in relation marriage there people know but they have no time to talk to me or others. There people were just waiting exit from there .
When you have a deep connection with yourself, then you will feel less alone, no matter what other people do.
I have be feeling alone i dont want to do anything i had a relationship of ayear and 1 month i just wanna ask u some is ok if ur with ur partner u feel scared like u dont wanna leave them because ur afraed to be alone like u kno as son a u finish with thEm u know ur going to fell worthless help need answers. I feel confused i have a 2 year old son i want to fell motacaded but i feel like crap..
It is never worth staying in a relationship just because you are afraid to be alone. You need to dig deep and uncover the root cause of why you feel worthless…because you are worthy…
There is absolutely no shame in getting help. You are right. Thanks for the post.
Totally! Thanks,Sara!
I know the feeling very well. What I have come to realize over the years is it is an illusion. I have always had great friends and support systems. Always yet I didn’t see it. They are there for those of you who feel this way. Trust. And love yourself no matter what!
Great post Sherie!
Thanks, Suzanne, and thanks for your insights. All negative beliefs are illusions, aren’t they? : D They just seem real in the moment. I appreciate you!
I feel so great in my own company and never experienced the loneliness myself, however due to a negative self talk and feeling of separation from the Universe people can develop this feeling. Great article and tips Sherie. 🙂
Thank you, Solvita, so appreciate you leaving me a comment!
Interesting point of view about social media and lonlieness! I guess of all the social media sites, Google plus has the upper hand in terms of bringing people out of their loneliness because of the ability to have hangouts. Also, I would say that if you study the mom blogger community, social media and blogging has actually helped them connect with other moms and share their stories. But again, they always get together at events like Blogher or BloggyBootCamp and see each other in person, which is always exciting. It is always good to have balance in everything we do, and the case your are mentioning is a good example.
Balance is very important. Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it!
It’s funny. I felt the most lonely, in life, when I lived in the same place as my family and friends.. but yet, when I moved away, far away from everyone I knew, I was alone, but didn’t feel lonely because I was putting myself out there.
Whether we feel lonely or not does not always depend on having people around…putting yourself out there was a great solution,Jamie!
Oh so very true. It is a very depressing feeling. Thanks for writing this an helping so many people name the feelings and learn how to get unstuck.
It is a very depressing feeling and one that can be overcome.
I’m happy being alone, but I’ve always felt a little lonely and out of place my whole life. I don’t make friends easily, and have always been the odd one out in my family. Ironically enough, the more active I’ve become on social media, the more active I’ve become in developing relationships offline too.
Social media can be a very powerful tool, Helena and I am so glad that it is helping you to develop relationships offline, too! That is awesome!
I feel alone a lot of the time but that is because no one around me is really into technology, I feel like I have grown apart from friends and family and I think they feel it too.
Technology is an important factor in our lives that isn’t going away, Karla. I would encourage you to keep in touch with your friends and family in real life because it is important to maintain those connections, no matter what…
Hi Sherie,
You make an important point to look at the reasons behind our loneliness. Sometimes people make poor choices in a partner because they don’t want to wait until the right one comes along, they want to end their loneliness as quickly as possible. I like all your suggestions, but “Connect with yourself” stood out for me. That is a great place to start. Thanks for a great post.
Hi Cathy! Thanks for stopping by! Yes, people can make poor choices because of being in that stuck state of loneliness and once they make that deeper connection with themselves, it is quite often the key that turns the lock.
”Have you found yourself in a group of people or with family and felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness?” I can relate as when I became an empty nester, I was totally lost. My role as it had been defined for 30 years was now done and I didn’t know where I fit anymore. Took a couple of years but I did find my way! Thanks for sharing that, great article. x0x
Thank you, dear Norma, so love your insights!! : D
This is very good information. Many don’t understand why they feel the way they do when they’re not alone, but still feel lonely.
Thank you, Shelley, appreciate your comment. : D
It’s so true that the difference between being alone and lonely is connection. No one is truly alone unless it is by choice. I love my social media family! Wonderful post a usual, Sherrie!
Thank you, Lisa, I so appreciate your comment and insights! : D
I think we have all felt this way before. What I have learned works for me over the years is to talk and ask for some help 🙂 Great post!
Yes, it can happen to all of us and asking for help is huge! Thank you, Anita!
Somewhere along the line, Sherie, I figured out that I was pretty good company! So the word “alone” is my friend, but “lonely” is not in my vocabulary. When I travel alone, I tend to have more fascinating adventures than when accompanied. Spending time alone proves to be my greatest “learning” time. I’m not sure if it’s something we learn as children or what …
Sharon, that is wonderful! It might be something that we learn as children or don’t learn, as the case might be. : D Thanks so much for your comment!
U r right but many case lonlyness giving positive responses . I had got many intresting ideas while i alone. Thanks far a nice bolgg.namaste
Yes, being alone can be very productive. Thanks for your comment!
Great read you gave us. it is so true that even surrounded by many people there are those who feel alone. You explained it quite well. Thank you for the reminder about reaching out; my mom said something very similar. I’m never ever alone (5 kids in the house, husband works from home, two large dogs) but I can see how someone gets lonely if they get down on themselves or just sad. When my husband traveled a lot for business, I was lonely, despite the kids….!@
Thank you so much, Dorien!
these are great tips Sherie.. The negative self talk I think really is a big problem and many people feel lonely.
Yes, Barbara, stopping the negative self talk goes a long way…thanks so much for your comment!
Thank you for a very well written post. I am Bipolar with depression, and getting back into social media is very therapeutic for me.
I am so glad to hear that is working for you, Sally! Thank you for your comment!
Excellent distinction – Thank You. My mother did a wonderful job of teaching me that being bored or lonely were choices. If I said “I’m bored”, I was soon given a job from the dirty job jar – I soon learned that there were lots of ways to keep my mind engaged – lol.
If I was lonely – I was told to reach out to someone. Write, call, walk over and offer to help someone else. Consequently, I have rarely been lonely. I live rurally and am alone physically much of the time. But friends are just a phone call, email or Facebook poke away.
What a wonderful lesson that your mother taught you, Kay! Thanks so much for your comment. : D
I like your distinction between being lonely and being alone. Feeling lonely can be very depressing but on the other hand enjoying your own company can be empowering.
Absolutely, Carolyn! You’ve got it! Thanks so much for commenting! : D
I never thought about social media contributing to someone’s feeling of being lonely. That is sad. Glad you have given many ways to help people break out of that lonely feeling.
Martha, social media can be wonderful if used correctly. It all depends on the meaning we give to it. Thanks so much for your comment!