If you feel like you don’t deserve, it can apply to many areas of your life. Many people feel that they don’t deserve love…or they don’t deserve money or financial freedom…or they don’t deserve to have a healthy fit body…it all depends…some people feel that they don’t deserve in one area of their life…others feel that way in many areas of their life.
You don't earn worthiness – you're equally as deserving of all that this glorious world offers as anyone else is ~ Wayne Dyer
What Happens When You Believe “I don’t deserve”
It affects so many things in your life and some of them are your ability:
- To be loved
- To be fit and fabulous
- To have financial freedom
- To have the life you really do want
- To create magnificent relationships
Your life would look a lot different wouldn’t it, if you believed "I deserve…"?
This belief of “I don’t deserve” goes hand in hand with the belief “I am not worthy.” The first question that I ask a client who has one or both of these beliefs is “Who told you that?” Quite often, there will be one instance, at a young age when that happened. In other instances, it will be a series of life events, such as a bad relationship that was traumatic or abusive, that led the person to believe that.
A negative or low self esteem is often a result of those beliefs…and when your self esteem is strong, you feel confident in your ability to move forward in your life and to allow yourself to have that love, that fitness, that fabulousness, those relationships…that life…
Let Go of "I Don't Deserve" and Rebuild Your Self Esteem
Some people are massively critical of themselves…I am sure that you’re not like that…but there are some people who are…and it is SO difficult for them to take that negative inner voice and tell it to shut up…and sometimes, that is exactly what you need to do…tell that negative, bitching, complaining, whining voice in your head to JUST SHUT UP…or turn the dial on it and make the volume so low that you can’t hear it…
…and when you have done that…we are going to give credit…where credit is due…sit down with a pen/pencil and paper and draw a line down the centre of that piece of paper. At the top on the left hand side, label it My Strengths…and on the right hand side, label if My Weaknesses.
Then fill it out…be as specific as you can. When you are done, if you are like most people, you will find that the side labeled weaknesses will be full. The side labelled strengths will be smaller. Tear that piece of paper in half, down the centre line that you have drawn. That’s right…
Take a good look at the half that is labelled My Weaknesses and see if they really are…they might not be… for example, if you said that you are compulsively tidy, I want you to cross that out and rewrite it on the other half as “extremely organized”. If you can find a way to rephrase…or reframe how you have been seeing your weaknesses, do it…if you can’t…that’s fine.
Once you have gone through all of those descriptions and transferred the reframed ones to the Strengths list…take a good look…those traits that you criticize in yourself have value to other people…
Focus on what is right with you. Focus on those strengths. Realize that your skills and strengths have value. You have value. You deserve.
There Was a Time…
Let’s imagine a parent…someone who is looking down on the face of their new born child for the first time…imagine what that would look like and feel like…that immense feeling of joy and overwhelming love…looking into those eyes…and cradling that infant in your arms for the first time…and many, many parents see that child as being perfect…in that moment…don’t they?
Does that small infant need to earn love? No. Absolutely not. The love of that parent is freely given…in that moment…right there…
So find a picture of yourself when you were a baby…a small tiny infant…all trusting and full of that love…and look at it…and tell me…what does that baby deserve?Doesn’t that baby deserve to have the very best that life can offer…love…happiness…bliss…joy…all of it…and the answer is yes…yes, you do…
"Drive your own life…you deserve to, don't you?" Sherie Venner
Sherie
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I am going through the worst time of my life. My health physically and mentally has taken a lot of hits. Sometimes I feel like losing my mind. Confusion. Extreme internal pain. Its like everyday. I am going through treatment but its progress is slow. I just needed to know what they call those who think that they don’t deserve gratitude. Because I feel like that. That’s how I found your site through google. Thanks for your article. I am going to read this as much as possible. To remind myself that I deserve love and happiness.
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time…hang in there…and slow progress is better than none. Take a look at your small successes and build on those…I am glad that you found my site…I want you to know this…that you do deserve love and happiness…whether you know it…now…you do…just because you are…and that is true.
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Hello,
i stumbled upon this blog(?) because, i guess im looking for a way to make up my mind. And i am having a hard time. I think my problem might have to do with this old story of thinking one doesnt deserve love and i have plans to go see my hypnotherapist again to resolve it. But at the moment i am stuck here just with my own thoughts and i need some insight.
The story goes like this…i have just turned 27, a week ago, and looking back on my love life history i can say that ive only felt anything for two men, whom i havent even had much of a relationship with and who eventualy bailed out, and all the other ones i was involved with in actual serious relationships i didnt really care for much if at all and all of them adored me.
The one i felt for the most happend like 4 or 5 years ago and he is long gone, he moved out of the city and is in a serious relationship.
And im still comparing every new person to him, or rather to what i felt with and for him. There were some seriously strong emotions and when he ended it i was in denial for quite a long time, i just couldnt believe that that was it -THE END. I was convinced that he would come around at some point. He never did. In the meanwhile ive been involved with others but it never came close to ”him”. Ending each and every time the same way…me kinda knowing, from the start that the chemistry is not as good but hopping it would get better and in the end breaking up with the person, hurting feelings and making my self feel really bad in the proces. Not just for hurting someone again but for failing to feel. And all of them seem to develope strong feelings for me without me even realizing the depth of it. Well until the end when they pretty much let me know by crying over the break up.
And now i find my self in a similar situation…i met someone and after spending one whole week together i started to realize i dont feel the chemistry. But apart from that he is perfect…we understand each other really well, can talk about anything for hours, when we spend time together time just flies by, i find him attractive, he is carring and thoughtfull, and smart and competent and has allready told me he loves me. And yeah hes got some issues that i used as an explanation why im not as interested in going further with this but since we talked about it, him being the one to point it out, he has been trying really hard to talk me into giving us another shot and being extra willing to work on it and get rid of it in order to be more himself in order for me to be able to feel more for him.
And it all sounds great but i still dont feel anything, and if anything i had another dream about THAT guy last night.
Which is just self sabotage. But he has cut soo deep into my subconsciousness and i dont know how to get him out.
The reason i think this pattern of mine is a deeper issue is ’cause of my realtionship with my father which isnt so great and hasnt really developed when i was a child.
But i cant make myself go in a direction if my feelings are telling me not to eventhough my feelings might be the ones meesing me up.
I dont know how to make a decision about this one now.
Vicky, my dear, you need to stop comparing everyone with this guy…it’s time to let him go…and yes, you are probably right that it is a form of self sabotage…feel confident in your ability to find someone else, someone better. I don’t know if chemistry is the first thing you should be looking for…having core values in common…respect…and other things…chemistry will often grow in time. I remember someone once saying that your type is not your type.
Take a look at why you are having difficulty making a decision. Perhaps being in a relationship with someone else is not the right course for you…I don’t know…but I do know that for most people in similar situations, they need to take a step back and work on the relationship they have with themselves, first…be happy with your life now…in the present…without a man in it…then see what happens…
Thank you for such a beautiful and inspiring post. There are so many people who don’t believe that they are worthy of having an Amazing life including success, very sad. i appreciate you sharing your vast knowledge and wisdom and will definitely will be sharing this 🙂
Susan, this is a very common, underlying negative belief and it just needs to go…doesn’t it? : D Thank you so much for your kind words, insights and for sharing!! I appreciate you!
Wonderful post Sherie! I love your exercise, and the tip about looking at your baby picture. Thanks so much for sharing.
I so appreciate your comment, Helena, and you reading the post…thank you!
What a great exercise to find your own strengths, and that tip about looking at your baby picture is a great one! Loved reading this post Sherie, very nice!
I am so glad that you found it helpful…thank you, Sherry!
Wow! Great teaching here, Sherie. A person’s self-worth affects every area of a person’s life and is responsible for every action. You hit it spot on when you said that it gets in the way of living your life fully… Great work!
Thank you so much, Norma!!
My heart always goes out to people who don’t think much of themselves because most of the time, they are hurt in the past in some way. My compassion rises up on the inside of me when I see that. We never should think of ourselves to be worthless; we all were born for a reason to shine in this world and we only can shine when we know who we are in Christ.
Olga, I so appreciate your compassion for others…we are all born for a reason…
Very powerful post and the exercise is important for all of us:) Thanks Sherie:)
: D You’re very welcome, Anita, and thank you for reading it and commenting!
Great post and inspiring, too. I have 5 kids and my 11 year old daughter needs a dose of self-confidence and self-believe: She is tall, gorgeous and fair skinned, yet we live in a beach resort and her friends are teeny tiny and about 5 inches shorter and tanned. Every adult we meet tells her how beautiful and talented she is, yet she chooses to believe her own self-perception and her friends. I guess almost every teenager goes through that at some point… I wish it would pass ‘yesterday’!
It is a tough time for preteens…they seem to put more stock in what their peers say instead of adults…it will pass…just keep doing what you are doing because it does make a difference. You could point out to her how people like Charlize Theron (who is prized for her tallness and beauty) were criticized by the kids she knew growing up because of her height,etc. It’s just a different way of looking at it…
Great post, Sherie. I love the exercise you wrote about. So many times the negative committee just needs to be confronted to shut up! Focusing on what is right with you will get you much further in life!
Absolutely, Lisa!! …and thank you for your kind words!!
I attended a class years ago that taught me that for every perceived negative quality there was a root of it that was positive. That really helped me to reframe things.
Sounds like a great class, Maria! Thanks so much for your comment!
Great points, Sherie. Wouldn’t it be great if we all felt good inside and could become our best advocate!
Sally, the world would be a much different place, then, wouldn’t it? Thanks for your comment, dear!
That is one of the most well-written posts. You have a message that everyone needs to hear and you spell it out so plainly. I am going to do your exercise tonight and see what I think my own strengths and weaknesses are. It looks like a wonderful way to boost self-confidence. Thanks!
Martha, you are so welcome and thank you. It is a very powerful exercise…have fun with it! If you have any questions, let me know!
Sherie, How Beautiful this is. I like the example you give about the parent and newborn. Just wonderful!
Barbara, thank you so much for your lovely comment! I appreciate you!!
It really is amazing how much this one belief (or set of beliefs) can control us. I have been working my way through knocking down these core beliefs for a few years now – and still find a few thorny patches. Nice post – Thanks!
It is…it is like peeling the layers of an onion, sometimes…you get one layer off and there can be another underneath. Thanks so much for your comment, Kay!
This is such an important concept and as you said, one that gets in the way of living your life fully (as you deserve!). Another “living stopping” statement that I’d used in the past was, “It could be worse,” until a friend finally stopped me and said, “Yes, but it could be better!”
Love that, Lisa! It could be better…wonderful!! Thanks for sharing that!
I spent most of my childhood and way too many years of my adult life believing I was worthless but have been fortunate enough to find the strength to turn things around. I now believe in myself and in my ability to love and to love others. Having childhood helped me realise that every life is precious and worthwhile.
Loved this post!
Wonderful comment,Carolyn, thank you so much!