If you have ever
been in love, chances are that you have gone through at least one breakup in your life…and you know how painful that can be.
Even if both of you agreed that the breakup was best for both of you, it can still be painful…and it doesn’t need to be that hard…there are things that you can do to make it easier…really.
Not all relationships can be saved nor should all relationships be saved. There are those that can’t or shouldn’t be. Only you can be the judge of that. Sometimes, it is better to let it go.
Why is Breaking Up so Hard to Do?
- Fear of the unknown. Even if the relationship has had its ups and downs, it was familiar. With that familiarity comes a sense of comfort…and we all know how hard it can be to leave your comfort zone…even if it isn’t in your best interest to stay…there are brain chemicals involved, too…those feel good chemicals that you associate with the person you were with…
- Focusing on the good. When you think back on the relationship, you have a habit of focusing on the good times…when you look at the stuffed bear he won for you at the fair, you have a sweet feeling deep in your heart.
- You are an optimist. You think the relationship can be changed, the other person will do better and you vow that you will change, too, and be an even better you. After all, doesn’t true love conquer all?
Some people think that it is holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go. Tweet this!
3 Breakup Survival Techniques that Work
- Dejunk. Get rid of those small material things that you can that reminds you of your partner, pictures, gifts…
- Eat some chocolate. Seriously. Chocolate has a chemical in it called Theo bromine that mimics the feeling of being in love. Don’t mainline it but a square or two daily will help you get over the rough patches.
- The Last Straw Technique. Yes…that is what it is called. Do you know the story about the camel and how it had straw piled on its back…and more straw…and more straw…until finally, there was that last straw…and it broke the camels’ back?
This NLP technique is very powerful and very effective and you must promise me…that you will only do this NLP technique if you are very, very sure that there is absolutely no hope for reconciliation nor should there be…that the breakup is going to be permanent…this is not to be done lightly…
This is the simple version and it works…very well…when you have time and you are in a quiet place…think of a time when the person you are breaking up with did something that you were unhappy with…that brings up a very negative emotion about them…and then think of another time…and another…and make those pictures bigger and brighter…and see all the things that you saw…and feel what you felt…and hear what you heard…and then…string those pictures together and make them rush quickly across that mind of yours…and do it…over and over again…until you no longer feel any reason to be with that person…ever again…
This is a simple but powerful technique and you might need to do it more than once. Some people find it easy to go over that threshold and others don’t…the ones who don’t have very strong images and feelings about good times. So for them, they need to imagine a picture of a very happy time with that person…then imagine all of those negative times, then add the picture of the happy time…that should do it…
When you do this strategy, it weakens and breaks the bonds that keep you attached to that person…and by doing so, the pain goes away…if you are just contemplating a breakup and are having a hard time making the breakup stick (you keep going back even though you shouldn’t)…this will make it easy to free you of attachment to the old relationship.
And remember this…a breakup can be a new beginning…as so many things are…
“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner
Sherie
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When you are in a relationship, especially if you have strong feelings for the person, your body creates pleasure chemicals. When you break from the relationship, your body feels an actual “withdrawal,” which is what makes you feel so bad and gives you all sorts of symptoms, even if you tell yourself intellectually the breakup was for the best. This is why chocolate helps (has similar chemicals), and why people may rush out to buy things, get their hair done–anything to make themselves feel better and fill the void. The Whys and Techniques in this article are excellent. It is also important to remember that the withdrawal feelings are temporary and should pass in most cases.
Eva, love your explanation and insights about the attachment we form towards others…absolutely! Those chemicals can be highly addictive and therefore…withdrawal. Beautiful explanation, well said!
Thanks, Sherie. Addictive–that’s exactly the word.
It is!! : D
Great tips Sherie! Chocolate works for me 🙂 So does dejunking, and maybe I’m strange but I’ve never had a problem breaking up. If anything I fall on the opposite end and find the actual act of walking away a little too easy.
Chocolate rocks! : D It sounds like you have it down pat (you are a natural)! Thanks for your comment, Helena!
Powerful advice and technique. Its ironic that I done this years ago before I knew what NLP even was..LOL
Anita, some of these NLP techniques are based on what people did to succeed, so you naturally did what worked for others! Amazing!! : D
Sherie, this is such a wonderful article. There are so many helpful tips, including the NLP technique. It’s so helpful to dejunk and that has really helped me move forward after a break up. And thumbs up on the chocolate!
Hee hee…chocolate is good for just about everything, isn’t it?? : D Thanks for your lovely comment, I appreciate it!
I used to work with a gentleman who said any relationship, regardless of the length, you should stop mourning after 48 hours of it being over. Now, I don’t know how easy that is, but it would be nice if it really worked!
One thing I think really helps people after bad breakups is joining a gym. You meet new people, get out of the house, have a new focus, feel better about yourself, and start looking better too! All sorts of things that help put the past in the PAST! 🙂
Thank you for your comment, Nisha. Definitely joining a gym can help raise your endorphin levels!
I have seen TOO MANY people staying in bad relationships in ‘toleration’ mode, due to fear of the unknown. “Better to be in a bad relationship than alone” was one of the excuses I heard.
I am very fortunate to have had several ‘learning’ experiences, which set me up to perfectly recognize and honor my sweet, beautiful Tina when she re-entered my life 5 years ago.
Absolutely, Steve, that excuse is way too common. How wonderful for you and Tina to have found each other…beautiful! Thank you for commenting and sharing some of your experiences with us!
Great article! I like how you put an emphasis on working through the pain of the breakup quickly, so that you don’t end up in the same bad relationship later on.
I think we’ve all either been in the situation (or seen friends go through it) where the initial pain of breaking up feels worse than we remember the relationship being — it’s a dangerous place to be, because if you give in and get back together with your ex, you’ll find yourself going around in the same negative circles.
There’ll be time to work out the deeper lying issues later, the important thing is getting “over that threshold,” like you said.
Your breakup survival tips are awesome!
Llison, thanks so much for your comment. It is definitely a dangerous place to be, especially if the presenting issues haven’t been resolved.
At first glance the NLP technique you suggest might get someone over a painful ‘hump’ but is this really the best thing for one’s emotional health in the long term? At 57 I’ve been through a few break ups (one 26 year marriage). Breaking up is painful. Pain and heartache are human emotions and can teach us bucket loads about ourselves if were willing to learn. With every breakup I’ve grown and expanded my emotional well being and my compassion. I’m not suggesting this happens overnight nor am I suggesting that it should happen that quickly. I love NLP techniques, but I’m skeptical about this application. I’m always open to understanding more though!
Darris, I think that the quicker a person can get over pain the better. One of the big advantages of this technique is that it stops a person from returning to a relationship (a lot of people do that because they can’t deal with the pain of the breakup…even if the breakup is in their best interests). In NLP, we say to “Let go of the emotions (the pain) and keep the learnings (what did you learn, keep that knowledge)”.
I understand that human nature is attached to the pain vs. pleasure mindset (I hear this from my NLP husband often) however, I don’t always subscribe to the notion that “the quicker a person can get over pain the better” especially if we choose to focus on all of the negative in order to do so. It seems counter productive.
This may not be the best example of what I’m trying to express but it does touch on some of the fine points: http://www.daniellelaporte.com/inspiration-spirituality-articles/make-changes-without-criticizing-the-past-your-future-will-thank-you-for-it/
I’ve enjoyed your posts, you make me postulate and consider even when I don’t exactly agree : )
Thank you, Darris, I appreciate your honest opinion, even if we don’t exactly agree. One of my personal hopes is to help people get past the pain quickly so that they can move on and have what they want. It might seem that the technique focuses on the negative and it does for a very short time and for good reason. I have known too many women/men who have stayed with abusive partners because they “forgot” about how bad it could be (and someone apologizes and anchors them to a better state through flowers, gifts and apologies)…so sometimes, it does become necessary to look at the negative in order to break that state…and this “last straw” technique really does help that situation in particular, as well as others.
Great article Sherie – I love the three techniques you describe… especially the chocolate one 🙂 (just a square or two in moderation of course!).
I totally agree with you that often, a person stays in a relationship because of a fear of the unknown – your techniques support the idea that’s important to stay in the present moment and allow your emotional feelings to guide.
Thank you, Moira, I appreciate your insights!