Worrying. It is easier said than done to stop worrying for a lot of people. Others seem to go about their day without a seeming worry in the world. Yet, is that true? When we see people smiling and friendly in the grocery store or on Facebook…do you make an assumption that they are fine?

Worrying does not always have to be obvious. That’s right. A person can look like they are carefree and yet, deep inside may be consumed with worry. It might not be in that moment…it might be as they lay in bed at night and replay a scene from the day, over and over again. Yes, that is worry.

Have you heard the expression that a dog worries a bone? It means that it doesn’t let it go…and that is what worry is…an anxious state that is held onto that is not let go of…

This quote by Mark Twain speaks volumes:

“I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened.” Mark Twain.

Has Worrying Become a Problem in Your Life?

Everyone has moments of worry in their lives. We worry when our child is late coming home from a party. We worry when we have lost a job. Life does have worry in it and that is normal. It becomes a problem when it is something we feel we can’t turn off…when it becomes almost a compulsion to think about the same thing over and over again…especially when there is nothing that we could have done to change the outcome.

Worrying, then, at its very worst is a stuck state, like being caught in quicksand. The more you try and get out of it, the worse it gets and the more you sink into the quicksand…until it overwhelms you. The feeling of overwhelm helps you to worry more and the more you worry, the more overwhelmed you feel…and so on…a vicious cycle.

“Our thoughts make us what we are.”― Dale Carnegie  Tweet this!

Stopping the Vicious Cycle of Worrying

• Be in the now…in this very moment. When you worry, you are projecting events into the future that may or may not happen.
• Meditate or engage in prayer. Both methods calm and soothe the anxious brain patterns of worry…because you can’t hold onto a worrying thought if you have a calm thought in your mind, can you?
• Rest. Don’t let yourself get too tired, too hungry, too thirsty or too emotionally depleted. Do activities that fill your life with energy, like moderate exercise and work or hobbies that you love.
• Find the joy in the small things. Practice gratitude for something…for anything…when you focus on the good in your life, it is hard to worry.

Worrying is Using Your Imagination Negatively

As an NLP practitioner, one of the habits that I notice people have who worry a lot is that they live in the future in their minds…and not a pleasant future. They are brilliant at creating negative events and because they have such powerful imaginations…it feels so real…

So one of the exercises that I use with those people who have worrying as a problem, is to have them take that negative imagined future…that one that probably would never happen…and make it small and turn the colors down on that picture…and is there a message that they need to see…and if there is…to take the learning’s…and you know…sometimes that worrying has a message for you and for me…and when you hear that message or see it…you don’t need to worry anymore…because you can make a decision to do something about that situation…and if there is nothing that you can do…you can just let it go…because worrying doesn’t fix anything, does it…doing something does…that’s right…

And when you look behind that worrying for any positive intentions, you might see some….and you might not…whatever you do…your future can be bright…so imagine what your future would look like…if it was bright…and shiny…yes…just like that…

So take these simple steps and turn the dial down on any worrying that might be left…because you can…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

 

This week, I needed a perspective tune up. Yep. That’s right. I have been feeling very sad about the fact that my oldest daughter, Jennifer and my four grandbabies (one on the way, too) are moving to Nova Scotia.

Changing my Perspective

Because I have all of this experience with NLP, visualization, and changing thought patterns doesn’t mean that I’m perfect at it. : D I still get moments when I need to look back and see what I’ve seen. I need to see what it means to me.

Today, we are going out to see Jennifer and the girls. It is time to say goodbye as they venture out into their new life. I was feeling SO sad and then I had this thought…

It’s not a bad thing. Whoa. What? It’s not a bad thing. From my perspective, I was just thinking about how much I was going to miss them all. I was sad that I wasn’t going to be able to jump into a car and be able to see my grandbabies, play with them….hug them….and then…

Where is the Joy in that Perspective?

It’s nowhere. NO Where….it’s not ANY where…so where is it?

Hiding in assumptions…I have made an assumption about how things are going to be instead of looking at the reality of it. In other words, I had a picture in my mind of what this move would mean to me…I created a negative picture based on the assumptions that I was making.

• Sadness
• Fear of what the future would hold without them
• Despair and lack
• Worry
• Anxiety

So, if I am the person who created the negative picture in my head about the move…then I am the person who can create a different picture in my head, right? Yes. That’s right…and so I did…

“There are no facts, only interpretations.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche  Tweet this!

A Changed Outlook and Perspective

In that AHA moment that I had, sitting at my desk in my office, getting ready to write a much different post…and I can still get to that different post later…and I will…just wait…

I realized these few things…

• My grandchildren and daughter are embarking on an adventure.
• They are getting a marvelous opportunity to live mortgage free.
• There is so much for them all to learn on this journey.
• It’s all good.
• I will have a great place to vacation!
• I will still see them because of the wonderful blessing of Skype.
• We live in a time of cheap, safe air travel. Yay!

Changing your Perspective and Outlook

You can, you know. Is there an event in your life that you are dreading because you are imagining it to be one way? I ask you this…”What would happen if you looked at it from a different view point…that’s right…what would happen if you changed the way you were looking at it?” See what happens…you might be surprised…I know that I was…

So, today, when I say goodbye to my grandbabies, I will be sad in the moment, because that is the reality of it…but underneath that sadness, there will be the joy in the adventure that their mom and dad are taking them on…and because I trust in there being a bigger reason than the ones I can see…this will be for the best…in the long run…and nothing will change how I feel about them…that love will always be there…whether they are here or 5000 miles way…because that is just the way it is…and look…at all those possibilities…

Even if things didn’t turn out the way you initially thought they would, doesn’t mean that the new change is bad…it’s just different…and if you change your perspective, you can see the good…because it was always there…waiting for you to see it…just like that…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

Relationship anxiety
is more common than you think. Everyone has had some experience of it, even if the anxiety was minor.

It is when it becomes crippling, that is where the trouble starts. If relationship anxiety is stopping you from having the relationships that you want…read on…

When the Anxiety is About Friendships

We all need to feel important. One of the ways that occurs for us is in relationship to other people. Have you ever belonged to a group of people, felt the need to leave that group for one reason or another…and because you left the group…people you considered to be friends no longer wanted anything to do with you?

That can be a cause of relationship anxiety when it applies to making new friends (yes, those are relationships that can have anxiety attached to them.) So a person who has been in this situation has difficulty putting themselves forward in new groups because of the memory of the loss of previous friend relationships. Let me repeat that. The memory.

That is why “shunning” is such an effective tool, if you want to hurt people (and I recommend that you don’t do that). Shunning is an act of social rejection and if you have ever had the experience of being shunned in a social situation, you know how painful that is.

When I was a child, I skipped a grade in school. So, all through elementary, junior and high school, I was the youngest person in the class. This led to a lot of bullying, shunning and other things…it wasn’t pleasant. It changed when I went to university at the age of 16 because the people who went there…wanted to be there…didn’t they?

Anxiety in Family Relationships 

If you think about it, family are the people that we are supposed to feel the most comfortable with…and yet…sometimes, family can be our harshest judges and critics. Imagine…a family scene where there is a holiday…and everyone is gathered around the table. For some families, it is a time of harmony and love and sharing.

For others, it isn’t so. There may be excessive drinking, criticism, judging, unrealistic expectations or a combination of those. In that type of circumstance, it is difficult…and a person may indeed have developed a defense mechanism, like anxiety, to protect themselves.

At one point in time, that defense mechanism served a good intention. ..and in a way, was a good thing…even though it might not be working now. So you might feel anxiety when you think about going to family events.

Relationship Anxiety with a Romantic Partner

If you are already in a relationship and feel anxiety about it, there could be a few things going on. If you are walking on eggshells in the relationship:

• Ask yourself why? Is there a valid reason?
• Is there any abuse present, verbal or physical? If you can’t see it and someone you trust says that it is there, listen…
• If there is no abuse, is the relationship anxiety internal? Is it a result of how you are talking to yourself, the movies that you see in your mind and the feelings that you feel?
• Pay attention to the messages that you are receiving…

If those anxious feelings have a positive message for you, such as “Get out, you are in an abusive relationship that is destroying your self-esteem”, pay attention…

Whether you are getting back into the world of relationships because of a divorce, a break up, or even if you are a total newbie at it…it doesn’t need to be filled with anxiety. You know what I mean…the heart pumping, blood thumping, hand wringing, sweat filled moments when you even think about getting into a relationship with someone.

You stand there, waiting for the right words to come out and you come up with nothing…or even worse, you croak out a wonderful mishmash of words, a word salad that just sits there in front of you, shaming you…and that is the problem. Attached to the anxiety are other emotions, such as shame, guilt and fear.

The pictures that flash in front of your eyes are not ones of a fantasy filled happily ever after life…no…they are of all of the things that can go wrong…

You are good enough…just because…you are… Tweet this!

Letting Go of Relationship Anxiety

If you have ruled out the possibility of abuse (in any of the types of relationships…family…friends…or romance), there are steps that you can take to help you get rid of relationship anxiety.

• Seek help
• Rebuild trust with yourself and your self-esteem
• Keep your word and promises to yourself
• Speak kindly to yourself and be your own best champion
• Defend yourself because you deserve to be treated with respect…yes…you do…
• Avoid the drama
• Stop “seeing” a future where things go wrong in relationships

Let go of the past…just let it go…and start living in the now…because when you live in the now…you aren’t creating a negative future…because that is all that worry and anxiety really are…a creation of your own mind…and I don’t know about you…but my psychic abilities to forecast aren’t very good…and if you think about it…all those things that you imagined could go wrong…most of them really didn’t, did they…and that imagination can see so much…so why not let it see something good…and then…you can feel better…and you can see that it’s not all that bad…and you can put one foot in front of you…take a deep breath…just like that…and step into that better future…one where relationships can be easy…and peaceful…can’t you?

So when you have made the decision to have relationships that don’t require you to be “walking on eggshells”, you can have just that…wonderful relationships… free of relationship anxiety…happy…amazing…incredible…just like that…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

P.S. If you haven’t read this post about “walking on eggshells”…then here it is…click here!

Does it feel like you are “walking on eggshells”…tiptoeing through a mine field of relationship anxiety? If you would rather be “walking on sunshine” (that is such a great song!), then it is time for a change…isn’t it?

I have a friend who has relationship anxiety. She doesn’t want to have relationship anxiety. In fact, she would rather be able to look forward to having a relationship filled with love, joy and peace.

Instead, when she even thinks about looking for a relationship, she gets cold sweats, her heart starts to thump, she can hear the blood rushing through her veins…and she begins to panic.

What Does Relationship Anxiety Feel Like?

It can feel like it does for my friend…and it can feel like walking on egg shells. When you feel like you are walking on egg shells, you are always on the watch for the words that you speak.

You examine the actions that you take under a microscope. You are hyper aware of everything that you do. There is no comfort in the relationship that you have or are trying to achieve.

There is that underlying anxiety that colors every mood and activity and there seems to be no end to it.I like to think of it as a state of constant tension and being in a state of high alert, almost like alarm bells are going off.

Imagine trying to speak to someone, waiting for the right words to come out and you come up with nothing…or even worse, you croak out a wonderful mishmash of words, a word salad that just sits there in front of you, shaming you…and that is the problem. Attached to the anxiety are other emotions, such as shame, guilt and fear.

The pictures that flash in front of your eyes are not ones of a fantasy filled happily ever after life…no…they are of all of the things that can go wrong.

Where Does Relationship Anxiety Come From?

It can happen to anybody and it is more common than you think. Relationship anxiety comes from unrealistic expectations, set by family, friends, society or the media. It stems from limiting beliefs of not being good enough or deserving. It has its beginnings in low self-esteem. For some people, it starts in previous relationships that were abusive or filled with shame.

When you think of relationships and have relationship anxiety, you think differently than people who don’t have it. The pictures that flash in front of your eyes are not ones of a fun filled happily ever after life…no…they are of all of the things that can go wrong. Your imagination is powerful. No matter what the origins of that relationship anxiety, it can be terrifying.

Whether you are getting back into the world of relationships because of a divorce, a break up, or even if you are a total newbie at it…it doesn’t need to be filled with anxiety.

Focus on what you want…not on what you don’t want…Tweet this!

Dealing with Relationship Anxiety

When you have made the decision that you have had enough…then you can start to move forward.

So, here are the first steps:

• Focus on what you really want, not on what you fear or don’t want
• Make a decision…like I deserve to have a relationship and I will…
• Believe that it is possible…
• Give yourself a break…don’t be so critical of yourself…
• Have reasonable expectations
• Realize that the world is a safe place…yes…stuff can happen…and you need to be aware…but this belief will help you to move forward…in faith…
• Breathe…deeply…that will help your brain to calm down…really…
• Look out to that future…with that fabulous relationship…and then look back to now…and see all the steps fall into place…so that you can have it…

If you have relationship anxiety, these simple steps are the first steps on the road…and there are more…but these are a good beginning.

When you have made the decision to have relationships that don’t require you to be “walking on eggshells”, you can have just that…wonderful relationships… free of relationship anxiety…happy…amazing…incredible…just like that…

The next post is titled  3 Types of Relationship Anxiety…and if you want to know…sooner rather than later, when it is published…please join me…there is a form underneath the post or in the sidebar… and I will let you know…: D

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner