Have you found yourself in a group of people or with family and felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness? Most people think that they can be lonely only when they are alone. That's not true…you can feel lonely anytime, anywhere, with anyone…

"The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved" ~ Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Loneliness is Different than Being Alone

We all know people who are alone…who are vibrant, energetic and quite enjoy their aloneness. On the other hand, there are other people…perhaps you know someone like this or maybe it is you…I don't know…that person can feel lonely even when they are in a crowd…they feel disconnected and it's almost like walking through life…invisible…do you know what I mean?

It is normal to feel lonely when someone that you love leaves, whether it is for a business trip or perhaps, permanently. The other type of loneliness is very pervasive and underlying. It can have at its root many things, including:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Low self esteem
• Fear 
• Phobias
• Etc.

Loneliness is a feeling…a feeling of being disconnected, of aloneness…like you don't belong any where…feelings of isolation…some people will say that it feels like being an alien on the planet earth…that is how disconnected it can be…

For some people, that state of loneliness can pass quickly but for others, it stays around and can become stuck if you don't move through that feeling quickly…and that is the problem…the stuckness of that state…because feeling that loneliness for too long can really hurt and be damaging and lead to even more disconnectedness with yourself and with ourselves.

As people, we all need to feel connected, don't we….to feel that we are important and that we matter to someone…it's just human nature….

Breaking the Vicious Cycle of Loneliness

It can become a vicious cycle…you feel that loneliness and as a result of that negative self talk in your mind…and that inner critic…you stop doing the things that bring you into contact with others…so you stay home…gaming…watching TV…eating…smoking…drinking…or whatever it is that you might do…in order to isolate yourself even more.

In this day and age of social media and networking, it is an illusion that if you have 593 friends on Facebook and Twitter, that you are really connected. I love being on those social media sites but for some people (not everyone)…that can make them feel even more isolated. That might sound counter intuitive but it can. There is no substitute for live human interaction. Really.

We are all human beings who need to see into the eyes of the people we are talking with, to read the body language of another while they are speaking to us…so many miscommunications can happen if we only see the words…and don't hear the intonation, the look on another person's face as they are speaking to us…

So, if you are relying mostly on Facebook or another social media site (and by the way, I love Facebook and other social media sites) if it is used correctly…as an addition to an already flourishing life of connection…connection with yourself and others…it can be a wonderful medium for sharing…as long as it is not the primary or only way of sharing…do you get my drift? 

So there are many things that can be done to break that vicious cycle of loneliness and here are just a few:

Ask yourself this question: How am I feeling lonely? Be specific in how you answer this…because it is your first step in knowing. When you know where you are…you can change it…

Eliminate the negative self talk: If you believe that you are unworthy of being in relationships with people, then you will create anxiety and fear and phobias around the idea of being in relationship with others. That belief needs to go because otherwise, a person will tell themselves lies like this even when they are with other people "They really don't want to be here"  "She doesn't really like me" "There must be something wrong with them if they are hanging around with me".

Build up your self esteem: Once you eliminate the negative self talk and the underlying beliefs….you need to replace it with something…something good and true…that you are worthy and that you do deserve…because you do, don't you?

Connect with yourself: This can be done in many ways and here are a few ideas…meditation…walking meditation (just going for a walk and connecting with nature is amazing)…prayer…visualization…allowing yourself to feel good…stopping any activities that are abusive to you…you know the ones that I mean…those addictions are abusive to you…you can let them go…somehow.

Talk to people in real life: If your beliefs and ideas of yourself have led you to scale back on your connections in real life, start slowly and build them back up. Do it slowly and gradually…baby steps work…do volunteer work for others less fortunate than you and yes, there are people less fortunate than you…if you put the focus on others, it is amazing on how quickly that feeling of loneliness can fade…just like that…without you even noticing…be of service…

Get help from a professional: If you can't deal with this yourself, get help…there is no shame in that…seriously…

Remember this…we are all important and we are all here for a reason…find that reason and you will connect to yourself in so many brilliant ways and loneliness will be just a thing of the past, a distant fading memory…shoved out of your life by all of the vibrancy and joy that you can handle…just like that.

"Drive your own life…you deserve to, don't you?"  Sherie Venner

Once upon a time…there was a beautiful young girl called Goldilocks…and I don’t know what expectations she had when she went into that house of the 3 bears…but she was curious and she did have expectations…didn’t she…because we all do…at one time or another…and I do know this…

The Problem with Setting Expectations that are Too High

Expectations that are too high are “unrealistic”. The problem with having those kinds of expectations in a relationship are:

We expect our partner to be perfect and without flaws. We expect them to read our minds and know what we need, without our ever asking. They are set on a pedestal and heaven help them if they step off of it.

We become anxious because we think we need to be perfect or behave in a very specific, rigid role. Then when we fail to achieve that, we become our own worst critic…calling ourselves names and being mean by taking away privileges and looked forward to treats.

We procrastinate doing the things that would make the relationship better, such as developing effective communication skills. Because the expectation is SO high, we can’t get it done. We have set ourselves an impossible task. So why start something you know is bound to fail?

And when that little girl wandered around that house…she came across three bowls of porridge…and she was hungry…and she expected them to taste great because…and when she tasted them, the first bowl was too hot…the second bowl was too cold…

When Expectations of your Relationship are Too Low

Often, when one has been in a relationship for a while and have been burned by expectations that weren’t met because they were unrealistic, the pendulum swings the other way.

Either you leave that relationship and start a new one, or you downgrade the expectations you have for the current relationship. Either way, on some level, you decided that you would “settle” and even in a new relationship, you set expectations that are too low.

And then this happens:

Boredom sets in. There is no energy, excitement or good challenge in the relationship.

There is a sense of dissatisfaction like there is something missing…something that you can’t quite put your finger on.

Fights happen because you are desperately trying to infuse energy into the relationship.

And possibly, addictions set in…eating, drinking, gambling, overspending…anything to take the edge off the boredom.

…and the third bowl of porridge was just right…

When Those Expectations are Just Right

You love and accept the person you are in relationship with (this means you, too)

You honor your values and allow yourself to express them fully in your life through activities that are important to you

There is that sense of achievement, of flow and being able to meet reasonable goals that are important to you

There is that undeniable feeling of connection, of feeling loved and understood

So look at your expectations…ask yourself…are they too high…too low…or just right…it really comes down to telling the truth and being honest with yourself. Talk about it with your partner or write it down.

Your definition of just right expectations is the only one that counts…and once you can see it…you can change it…it may take time but it can be done. Because you deserve to have a relationship that works…and one of the steps is to clarify those expectations.

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

*P.S.  I'd love if you Liked my page!

It is becoming more common…this notion…this misconception that we need to be perfect and that we are not good enough. I am seeing it more and more in clients, friends and family. That belief can underlie so many problems with relationships with others (and certainly the relationship we have with ourselves). Believing that we are not good enough can lead to body image issues, financial problems, anxiety, depression…so many things.

What Happens When You Believe You’re Not Good Enough?

The problem with thinking that you are not good enough is that you apply it to YOU…the essential YOU, the core that represents YOU…not to your behaviors. You aren’t going around saying that your behavior needs to be improved…and if you do, you don't really believe that…no…the core belief at the bottom of it is that YOU are not good enough. We call that an identity level belief.

Believing that you are not good enough is one of  the biggest lies and greatest disservice that you can do to yourself and it can lead to:

• Failure at creating and maintaining relationships
• Insecurity
• Lack of confidence
• Inability to allow success in the fields of career and education
• Addictions
• Bullying and being bullied
• Low self esteem
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Abusive relationships

…and more…

Where Did That Belief -I am not good enough- Come From?

Quite often…from childhood…when we get older and are running our own lives, you would think that it gets easier to let go of those old childhood patterns…but sometimes, it doesn’t…because we carry the voices of our parents or other authority figures (or  who we thought they were), in our minds…

It is like we have this idea of who our parents, or teachers, or grandparents or others were and what they wanted us to do. It might have been right or it might not have. After all, it was a three or four or five year old (maybe even older…you could have been a teenager) who decided that, wasn’t it?

So when you think of how that small child made that decision…from that view point…well, it was biased…and it might not even have been what our parents or person in authority was really thinking, after all.

This idea of not good enough can also come from society and media ideas that are spread across our world. If you were exposed to media ideas or peer pressure about how your body should look (and this applies to both men and women), it is very easy to pick up the idea of not good enough. Or perhaps it is how much money you make or don’t make…there are many areas that can contribute to that belief…

How Can You Overcome “Not Good Enough”

1. Pinpoint where the idea first came from. When you know where the belief came from, then you can use that to change the belief, in so many different ways. When you have a starting point, you can change how you looked at the event that happened…and when you change that perspective, even by a little bit…well…it can be the difference that makes all the difference.
2. Reframe the meaning of “not good enough” or “perfect”. We all assign meaning to our words and because we do, we can change the meaning of those words. In order to have in your head an idea or concept of what “not good enough” is, you need to have an idea of what “good enough” is. Change how you define “good enough” and see what happens.
3. Be in the now. When we live in the present moment, we can release the past and the notion that we ever were “not good enough”. In order to hold on to that belief, you have to remind yourself of times in the past where you believed that. In the now, there is just “good enough” and being in the present moment. Let the past and those memories stay in the past, where they belong.
4. Look in the mirror and ask yourself "Why is it so easy for me to know that I am good enough?".

When you take look at the belief “I am not good enough”, realize that even if that belief served you at some point in time, now is as good a time as any to let it go…because, in all probability, it isn’t getting you what you want…and if it is at the bottom of any of any issues, changing your belief to “I am good enough” will help.

Because believing “I am not good enough” really hasn’t helped you, has it? So you can let it go and it will be a good thing…and think about just what would happen if you did believe that you were good enough…that's right…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

P.S. I'd love it if you Liked my page!

I don’t know about you but I always have the best intentions when I make my to do list. I do it the evening before and feel very proud of that accomplishment. Then I get up in the morning and bam! Life intervenes…a client calls, a member of the family gets sick or the dog is throwing up…you get the drift. At that point, there are a few choices that can be made about that to do list that I was so proud of…

 

 

What to Do with your To Do List if You are in Crisis Mode 

• If the items on the to do list can wait, let them wait
• If the items on the to do list need to be rescheduled, reschedule them

It’s that simple. When you are in the midst of putting out fires, the to do list or lists, no matter how important you thought they were when you wrote them, need to be prioritized. 

What to Do if your To Do List Always Overwhelms You

Take a hard look at your to do list and see if you have realistic expectations for what you can accomplish in a day. Can you really bake 4 dozen cupcakes, wash and wax your car, sew a costume for the school play and make time for you and your partner after a full day’s work? Or you have finishing a major project on your list (that in your heart you know will take 20 hours but you really hope it can be done in 8 hours).

Pare your list down! Start with looking at what you really need to do during that day. What is an absolute must do and what can be done another day (no, this is not procrastination, this is good time planning) and see what can be done by someone else (delegation is a good thing!) and what really does not need to be done at all.

The Key to a To Do List that Works

It’s how you think about it. Yes, we’ve talked about the practical aspects. So, let’s say that your day is going well, there are no unexpected crises…and your to do list has been pared down so that it is reasonable, can be accomplished by a normal human being in the time frame that you have allotted…and yet…it still isn’t getting done.

Here it is…the key…its how you are looking at that to do list. If you look at it and in your mind…that list is grey and foggy, out of focus and it feels kinda yuck…you’re not going to want to do it. You might be able to threaten yourself and criticize yourself…temporarily…but…we all know that doesn’t work in the long run…does it?

So, imagine that you are looking at that list…that to do list…in your mind’s eye…and that you can adjust the picture…just like a television set…adjust that focus so that it becomes clearer…sharpen it…so that it is amazingly clear…tune the colors so that you can make it brighter and bolder…all those colors…and imagine…if you will…that you can hear excited cheers in the background…when you think of that list…and how good you will feel…when it is done…because when we feel good about something…and we can see all those benefits of getting it done…we can…and pump those feelings up…those amazing strong feelings…and know…that you can do it…just because…

So, take a look at why your to do list is overwhelming to you…whether it is because you have biting off more than you can chew or your life is currently in a state of chaos or it’s because of how you are thinking of it all…you can change it…when you know the why, you can change the what…

"Drive your own life…you deserve to, don't you?"  Sherie Venner