Helplessness…

Have you ever felt like just giving up?

You know that helpless feeling you get…when you believe that no matter what you do…it just doesn’t matter…things will never change…

I’ve been there…in the past…felt so stuck that I thought that I would lose my very soul in the mire that I was in…I felt those feelings of  helplessness…absolutely unable to do anything…and that was a long time ago…

The Problem with Feeling Helpless

When we feel helpless, we don’t realize that we have control of our own lives. I know that is how I felt…and it’s a shame really…because we really aren’t helpless…we just think we are.

Because of events that happened in our past…and the things we allowed others to tell ourselves…we thought we no control over our own lives…that we were powerless..and that’s where those feelings…those feelings of helplessness came from…

And we only thought that way…it wasn’t real…even though it felt real. We only ever needed to step up to the plate and claim that power…it was there all along, wasn’t it?

When I felt helpless about the situation I was in, I could see that other people had what I wanted in their lives…and yet I didn’t have it…I had a deep rooted belief that they could have it…but I couldn’t…that no matter what I did…it was just out of reach…that life that I wanted to have…so desperately.

Being Grateful? My Dynamite Situation

When you are overcome by feelings of helplessness, the last thing that you want to do is feel grateful…and because of that…it is the first thing you should do. Gratitude is a simple thing but it’s not always easy.

If you are struggling…and you’re knee deep in a relationship that doesn’t support you…one that may even be hurting you…what do you think there is to be grateful for?

You’re alive

If you’re reading this…you are…ALIVE…and if that is all you can be grateful for…it’s enough…

When I was in university, we had the opportunity to do prospecting for our summer work. We went in small groups of four or five and we got dropped off in the northern wilderness of Manitoba to search for uranium.

It was really a fascinating experience, especially the time when our camp was destroyed by a bear. It came and ripped apart the cooking tent while we were away mapping and collecting rock samples. Fortunately, we were gone when it came and tore those supplies apart.

One of our trainers came up to visit and teach us how to use dynamite, to get some samples. Nick was a grizzled old prospector, in his seventies…and he was a patient man.

I was young…just 17…and not very patient…and I complained bitterly about being there…in the hot sun…learning how to correctly light dynamite.

Nick turned to me and said this…and I have never forgotten it…he said “Every day above ground is a good day”…and he was right…

No matter what we are going through…if we just hang onto that idea…that because we are alive…it’s a good day.

Even if we are in pain…physical pain or emotional pain…and emotional pain can be just as painful as some of the worst physical pain…we need to keep going…just because…and be grateful…to be alive…to have the opportunity to live another day…to fight for ourselves another day…

 

Overcoming Those Feelings of Helplessness that Kept You Stuck

“Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.” Epictetus

 You might not know what to do yet. You might have feelings of helplessness… But it won’t last…because you have the capacity to learn…to discover…all that is you…and that you is so capable…

These 5 Ways: You Don’t Need to Feel Helpless…Anymore…Step into that Power…

1. When you take responsibility for your life…then a corner is turned…and that feeling of helplessness…it just fades away…
2. Take stock of where you really are…a reality check might show you that you have more resources than you think you do…make a list…write it down….
3. Stop magnifying the emotions of helplessness….shrink them down…laugh them off…make them insignificant in your mind…
4. Focus on where you have succeeded…in all of those small ways…
5. Look to a future of possiblities and make those big…bright…full of happy and wonderful sights and sounds…and feel those feelings…of joy…and excitement for that future…

There is light at the end of that tunnel…and remember…to let go of all of those feelings of helplessness…because they don’t serve you, do they? Find those feelings that do serve you…and give them priority in your mind…

“Drive your own life, you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

 

If you’ve ever felt like you kept falling for the same bad relationship…almost like you were a magnet that attracted them…then keep reading.

I’ve heard this question a lot lately…from both men and women who felt like that. I used to feel like that. It was like I was creating the same kind of relationship…over and over again…you know what I mean?

Are You Really Attracting Bad Relationships Like a Magnet?

Have you heard that we attract what we think about? Well, in a way that is true…because we think about what we believe in…and so our thoughts show us what we believe.

If you believe that you don’t deserve a good relationship, the odds of creating one are low. If you believe that you do deserve a good relationship, the odds of creating a good one are much higher.

Why? Because what we believe determines our behavior. Our behavior determines the results that we get.

“When a person goes into a relationship emotionally needy, they are not going to have discernment in choosing people.” Jennifer O’Neill

Simply, it’s like this. Let’s imagine that there is someone named Maria. Maria had a negative event in her life that led her to believe that she was “less than”…not “good enough”…that “men can’t be trusted”…

This is her view of the world. It’s not right or wrong…it just is…and it’s not working for her…

Maria is uncomfortable being alone…she goes from one bad relationship to another…attracting emotionally unavailable men, financially unstable men who “borrow” money from her and never return it, men who are abusive…one way or another.

As soon as she gets out of one relationship, she is on the hunt for another…she thinks that she will get it right the next time…even though she doesn’t make those important changes that she needs to…she thinks it’s just bad luck…that she hasn’t found the “right one”, yet…

Maria goes to a party where she is introduced to two men. One is a charmer; he knows all the right things to say and makes her smile, immediately. All the bells and whistles are going off. Maria feels an immediate attraction and he’s exciting.

The other guy…well, he’s a bit more shy, a hard worker, smart, and there are no bells ringing when she meets him. He is pleasant and when he asks Maria for her phone number at the end of the evening, she politely declines. He isn’t her type. He isn’t exciting at all.

Maria embarks on a relationship with the charmer…and he lets her down…just like all the others did…

If You Hear Bells, Run…and do this…instead… 

• Be okay with being alone and being with yourself. When you let go of that emotional neediness, then you will choose a better relationship, when the time is right.
• Your type is not your type. If you find yourself consistently creating relationships with someone that you immediately want to jump into bed with, run.
• Change the criteria you are using for choosing a relationship and you change the type of relationship you are creating. Look at your values…what’s important to you?
• Look at the patterns in your past relationships. What is common among them? Are you choosing based on physical looks, attraction, and income level? Be real about how you made those choices…
• Have you waited to know who the person really is before allowing yourself to fall in love or be physically committed to them? It might not sound romantic…but remember this…you are choosing who you are in a relationship with…making sure that THEY deserve YOUR love…

When you change that perspective…and when you start thinking about whether a prospective relationship partner is worthy or your time…and attention…instead of worrying if you are good enough for them…then it is so much easier to create a good relationship.

So…let go of being a magnet for bad relationships…relationships filled with drama, chaos, any kind of abuse (emotional, physical, financial)…they’re not fun…

Change those underlying beliefs and step into a happier future…where you look at your world through different eyes…where you expect respect in your relationships…and then…it is there…because you make that choice…isn’t that right?

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

 

I am no stranger to a life of comparing yourself to others.

I did this so well for many years. It doesn’t work the way you think it does.

When you compare yourself to others, what do you hope to accomplish? Do you think that by doing that, you will motivate yourself to do better, to have more, to challenge yourself?

It might look like it works temporarily but it really doesn’t. Because when you are stuck in the comparing yourself to others trap, you lose. You lose because inside you think that you are less than.

Using others as a measuring stick of our success is a game that you can’t win. When it comes down to it, comparing yourself to others is just another way to criticize yourself. It’s “Look at how great Bill is doing in his life, he has that great car, house, job, family…I’m such a loser…”

Comparing Yourself to Others Leads to Jealousy

So if you are in a family where you have the least amount of financial resources and you are comparing yourself to them…and you have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that you will never catch up…do you feel happy for them?

Probably not. You probably feel jealous of their accomplishments. And in order to feel jealous of their accomplishments, there is a part of you that thinks you will never achieve it.

Because if there is jealously…you don’t think you can have it…whatever it is…

When you look at someone who is better off than you, or has a great relationship when you don’t, and you think “I want that. I am going to have that, too, soon”, you get a different feeling. Then you are inspired by the accomplishments of the others…and that works well!

Letting Go of Comparing Yourself to Others and Being Inspired Instead

It is a subtle shift…that mindset of being inspired by other people’s good fortune. When I was first doing Tae Kwon Do, I was the oldest person in the class. There were many students who were younger and fitter than me.

I felt out of place and stuck in the comparing myself with those amazing students who could kick over their head and do gravity defying jumps. I wasn’t being fair to myself and I certainly wasn’t being fair to them. Because it affected my relationships with them…all of that comparison crap.

I had a very wise teacher who took me aside one day when I was particularly discouraged. He told me that I was only in competition with myself. He told me that every student was in competition with themselves.

He said that I only needed to do better than I did the time before. That I only needed to work on how high I could kick…how fast I could spin…how well I could memorize the patterns and execute them. How fast and hard I could break through that board or throw that punch.

Because no matter what we do, there can always be someone better than us. I was not the best Tae Kwon Do practitioner in the world…but I was the best Tae Kwon Do practitioner that I could be…at that moment.

Yes, I strived to be excellent…and because I stopped comparing myself with others…the others who weren’t me…I could enjoy the process…and that is the point, isn’t it? I had to let go of all of that inner criticism and it made the entire process of getting that black belt more fun.

“When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.” Lao Tzu

Enjoy the Journey

When you take the time to enjoy who you are…and stop comparing yourself to others, you can enjoy this journey that we call life.

You can learn to respect yourself…and the uniqueness that is you…because you are the only one of you here on the planet. Even identical twins have their own personalities and likes and dislikes.

Self-esteem increases when you stop comparing yourself to others. When the yardstick of your life is what you decide…when you understand that you are the one who decides if you have succeeded or not…that makes all the difference.

So, set your goals based on what you want…discover what that is…and then be content to move forward…doing the best you can…with what you’ve got…and see where that takes you…you might be very, very surprised how much better life is when you give yourself a break…and stop comparing yourself to others…

“Drive your own life… you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

 

Each day is an opportunity for a new beginning…

Yet…if you are a perfectionist…you might be getting in your own way…and keeping yourself bound up in the chains of perfectionism…and that’s no way to be happy, is it?

There are many talented artists whose work never gets shown to the world. Their paintings languish unfinished in the corners of their work rooms. Their talent is not in question. However, they think that they need to be perfect.

So, you say that you’re not an artist. I disagree. I believe that you are the artist of your own life. : D I think that we are all creators of our life…that our lives are the results of the actions we have taken…of the beliefs that we have…the negative beliefs and the empowering beliefs…

Our lives are the result of the decisions that we made and the decisions that we didn’t make…and for people who are perfectionists, there is difficulty in making decisions.

Decisions can be easy. Not for a perfectionist. Making the decision to complete a work…to complete an activity…to do this…or to do that…can often be impossible…and that is where the difficulty lies.

 

“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order.”Anne Wilson Schaef

Perfectionist or an Avoider?

In our society, calling ourselves a perfectionist is often a status symbol. If you thought of yourself as someone who was an avoider, you might have a different view of being a perfectionist, wouldn’t you?

Let’s imagine that there is a woman called Ellen. She loves to write and has had a dream to write the great American novel. She has three unfinished manuscripts sitting in her desk drawer. Once a year, she gets enthusiastic and sits down and writes another manuscript.

She leaves them like that because she doesn’t believe that they are good enough. They stay in their rough draft state…they remain unedited…barely read over…she doesn’t let anyone else read them or critique those manuscripts.

Ellen really wants to have that book published but it doesn’t happen. The books are never perfect enough…not good enough for anyone to even read. And here is the thing, there isn’t even an option for them to be “good enough”…because her perfectionist tendencies…that unrealistic expectation that these manuscripts meet a standard …a gold standard…an impossible standard…can’t be met.

The manuscripts stay in that drawer…

The  #1 Question to Help You Free Your Inner Perfectionist

Here is the question that Ellen needs to ask herself and maybe one you need to ask…too…

What Would Happen If_______?

• You finished that book.
• You created that relationship.
• You completed that project.
• You asked that person out.
• You allowed yourself to be successful.

When that question is asked, and that future imagined….there often is fear underlying it. Perfection is just a smoke screen for fear…for what would happen if that project/book/relationship…you name it…actually was achieved.

Because if you really believed that it would be a positive thing to complete it…that there would be no judgements…that there would be nothing to fear…no repercussions…you would do it, wouldn’t you??

So, take out a pen and paper…and write down all the things that you think would happen…the good…the bad…the ugly…because in those things is the answer to the obstacle that is keeping you stuck in being a perfectionist. We keep ourselves stuck because we feel safe there…

And when you know what that obstacle, that limiting belief is…then you can imagine that you can shrink it down…make it so small…that it is like a speck of dust…that you can send reeling off into space…with just the smallest push of breath…that’ s right…

So ask…and see what lies underneath…because you were avoiding in the past…and no one is perfect….are they, really?

So just free that part of you…let that perfectionist go…just because you can…and let all that shiny, brilliant, happiness in…see it shining…breaking through the windows of your life…just like the brightest sun…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner