Anger scares us. That is normal.

As a small child, I can remember shaking in my boots when my Dad got angry. There is nothing scarier to a kid than a 6 foot tall adult man yelling at them.

Anger makes us afraid that we are out of control. I have heard depression explained as anger turned inward…and from what I have seen, I believe that is at least partly true.

When we don’t feel safe to express anger, it is so simple to become angry at ourselves…and then become depressed.

Is Anger Ever a Good Thing?

Yes. It can be. That is not license to commit violence. Anger is an emotion. Violence is an act. Being angry does not have to be equivalent to committing a violent act.

Anger is never an excuse for that. Never.

Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.
Aristotle

Anger has its place in our bag of emotions. It is a natural human emotion. An emotion is a feeling in motion. So, yes, there are moments when anger is appropriate and is a good thing.

Anger at social injustice is a good thing.
Anger at bullying is a good thing.
Anger at senseless acts of crime is a good thing.
Anger in a person who is depressed is a good thing.

These are self explanatory…these reasons…except for possibly the anger that occurs in a person who has been depressed.

When a depressed person becomes angry at their situation, then they gain some power. They gain the energy of the emotion…the feeling in motion…so, it becomes possible to move from that stuck state of depression.

An Anger Push: A Tale of Moving Forward

Depression is a stuck state, like being mired in the mud. Let me be clear here. I am referring to depression that is situational…that is based in the way a person thinks…not clinical depression that is caused by a chemical imbalance.

So…imagine it like this…there is a tractor…a big green, John Deere tractor and it is stuck…up to its big, black sturdy tires in the deep, dark, wet mud. It has been sitting there idling…and the wheels spin ever y time it is put into gear and the farmer tries to drive it forward.

Then…a friend comes along…and puts his shoulder to the wheel and gives that tractor a little nudge…and it boots out of the mud and onto the pasture…where the grass is green and there is a well laid out track.

The tractor is free because of the extra push…that little bit of momentum that got it out of that terrible, dark place. And anger can be that little push…that little extra piece that gives that situational depression the heave ho…so that the person who is suffering from that stuck state can get moving…

And you know that physics law…the one that says that an object in motion stays in motion? Well, it’s just like that…

So, yes, there are times when anger is a good thing…times when it is totally appropriate to be angry…and again, let me restate…NOT to be violent…so own all of your emotions…and when you feel that anger coming up…use it to move you forward…use the energy of the anger to get you moving…to get you past what you need to get past….that’s right…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

The holidays are just around the corner…and that means family gatherings…and for some of us…anxiety…and stress…

I really am grateful that we as a society have set up holidays as the time to gather with our family and friends…and be grateful for all that we have.

Are You More Anxious and Stressed at the Holidays?

If you are more stressed or feeling anxiety, then there is the possibility that you might be struggling with perfectionism.

If you have an ideal picture of what the holidays are “supposed” to look like…then I would ask you this…”According to who?”.

Did you decide that there was the need for a 12 course dinner, complete with a beautifully decorated house, well behaving children and family members…and the best china and crystal laid out and perfectly polished?

Or was this a decision that someone else made…for you…a long time ago?

When we first moved into our house, after many years of living in a teeny, tiny condo, packed full of stuff…there was a sigh of relief. We knew that we would be able to easily fit the 20 to 25 people that would be gathered for our family celebrations.

So, it was a huge surprise to me to find out that it wasn’t the problem…the space that we had to hold the family dinner was wonderful…and yet…I was still overwhelmed and stressed.

Because now that I had that space, I had different expectations of myself…I had a picture in my mind of what that perfect family celebration would look like…and it was hard to match that up without a LOT of work…do you know what I mean?

When we have a different picture in our mind than the one that is actually in our reality…that difference can cause us to feel a lot of anxiety.

After our first Thanksgiving meal, where I worked for two days to get everything together…by myself…I sat down and cried…because I felt that I had failed.

I didn’t get a chance to sit down and enjoy the visit with our family and friends because I was too busy…making sure that it was perfect.

That night, as I was talking to my husband, we brainstormed…we are really good at doing that together…and came up with a new plan…one that works for us.

A New Plan for the Holidays

We sat down and made a map of our kitchen…and thought of different ways that the traffic pattern could go…we brainstormed where we could place the food…where we could move the banquet table that held all the trimmings and the plates and cutlery…

And we made a chore chart. We decided that it didn’t work for me to do everything and that everyone would be happier if they could contribute. If they brought food and supper was more of a potluck affair. If everyone helped clean up. And we made a decision to use paper plates.

Now, this plan wouldn’t work for everyone. But because no one in our family really cares if we eat on paper plates…it just made the day so much easier. It might not be fancy and live up to the picture that I had in my mind…but what was more important in the long run?

For right now…that is the reality…maybe in the future…I can hire a catering service, complete with fancy plates and cutlery! However, now…when the holidays come around…I am happier…because I have removed the biggest stressor for me.

I didn’t stay stuck. I stepped out of that anxiety state and I acknowledged that what I was doing wasn’t working. I cried a little.

Then I made new plans…because that is what we do…isn’t it? When Plan A isn’t working, go to Plan B…if that doesn’t work…well, I‘ve heard it said that there are very many more letters in the alphabet. LOL.

What You Can Do to Reduce the Stress and Anxiety

• Look at what’s not working
• Decide what you really want…is it the fancy table and meal or is it fun, peace and serenity with those you love
• Make a new plan…one you can live with…that is realistic
• Ask for help and accept it…you don’t have to do everything…really…
• Make sure that you take time for yourself
• Breathe
• Be grateful…write it down on a post it note and put it where you can see it…often…

How do you find the holidays? Have you made peace with how you handle them? Or do you still have some work to do in overcoming the anxiety and stress, even if it is low level?

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

Assumptions can be relationship killers. I have heard that it is women who end most relationships.

Quite often, the men feel like they have been blindsided.

Even though, in many cases, the women have pointed out the difficulty in the relationship, more than once, and said that they weren’t happy, there were assumptions made by their partner.

They assumed that everything was okay, even when the evidence pointed to the contrary.

“Begin challenging your assumptions. Your assumptions are the windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while or the light won’t come in.” Alan Alda

Why We Make Assumptions

Consider this…we are assaulted by so much information today. We suffer from information overload.

In ancient times we had to be hyper aware of what was going on around us, so that we stayed safe and didn’t die…well, we had to filter out information that we didn’t consider to be important so that we could focus on the critical information…like whether a saber toothed tiger was bearing down on us…

Today, even if we aren’t in immediate danger, we still filter out information. If we have the belief that the relationship we are in is forever, and our partner is complaining because their needs aren’t being met, we might not see it.

We might be focused on other things…like making sure we get ahead at work…or planning a new place to live…so, even though a partner might cry…plead…present a very convincing case…they might not be listened to…because of the presence of an assumption mindset.

Stepping out of an Assumption Mindset

When you become aware that it is normal for people to make assumptions…just because that is the way we are hard wired…then if there is something you need to discuss with your partner, then you need to be very clear about what you want or need.

• Give your partner advanced warning that you need to talk with them.
• Make sure that you are in a place/time where you can talk with your partner, uninterrupted.
• Ask questions. See if your partner has any of the same concerns that you do. After all, you might have made assumptions, too…in fact, it is quite likely that you have.
• Listen. Ask more questions. Keep your emotions out of the picture. Think of yourself as being on a fact finding mission, like a detective…that will help. : D
• Understand that you are partners in communication, as well as partners in a romantic relationship.

Challenging Your Own Assumptions

I assume that the sun will come up tomorrow. That helps me to get moving and get on with my life. I assume that everyone I love will be safe. These are good assumptions because they help me.

If I had the assumption that the world would end tomorrow,  it wouldn’t help me. It would hurt me. It would hurt the people that I love because my behavior would be very, very unresourceful…if I assumed that…wouldn’t it?

We can be blind to our own assumptions…because they are such a part of our identity, that we don’t always see them. Other people can though. So keep your mind open when talking to your partner.

There may be assumptions that you need to challenge, deep inside yourself. Take a look at your own behavior, whether you are in partnership with someone else or you are single.

What are your assumptions about life…about yourself…about the people in your life…about money…about careers…and ask yourself this…”Is that true?” and listen for the answer.

If you’re not sure…then ask more questions…do research…and remember, when you are learning…you are growing…and when you are growing…you are getting better and better in every way…aren’t you?

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner

If you are not getting what you want, there is a reason why. It might be more than one reason.

Imagine…you are sitting in a room…a brightly lit room…thinking about what you want.

And the thing is, you might really, really want it. You have tried a number of different things. You have visualized, affirmed, fussed, worried, chanted…and more.

If you have been doing the following three things, it’s no wonder that you don’t have want you want…yet…

3 Reasons You Don’t Get What You Want

Reason #1: Tolerating less than what you want

When I first moved into our house, I was thrilled with our master bedroom. There is a large walk in closet and a beautiful ensuite with a soaker tub and a standalone shower.

I was meticulous, keeping that bathroom and bedroom clean. I made sure that the dirty clothes went into the clothes hamper. Then, a few months later, I got a terrible flu that lasted for more than one week.

During that time, I let the bathroom and the bedroom slide.

There was a small pile of clothes in the corner that were seasonal clothes. I intended to put them in a box and label them for short term storage. Because I was sick, I didn’t get around to it…the pile of clothes stayed there for that week…and then another week…and then another week…

I didn’t want the clothes there…but they were there…and because they were…they became familiar…and I tolerated them. So, it took a massive effort for me to get back on track and get those clothes boxed up, labelled and put away.

The same thing happens with negative habits that we have. They have been around for a long time and they become comfortable…so we tolerate them…we might think that we want one thing…but because we tolerate what we don’t want…we lose momentum.

Reason #2: Not Making a Decision

When the clothes were just lying there in that pile, I wasn’t making a decision to go forward and do something about it. Here is what I could have done to get what I wanted.

List the pros and cons of making that decision. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page. On one side, list the pros (the positives) to making that decision. On the other side, make a list of the reasons against making that decision (the cons).

Reason #3: Lack of Focus

Get a clear picture of what you want. I mean that. Often, when you don’t get what you want, it’s because your vision, literally how you see the future in regards to this part of it, is out of focus. It is blurry.

Sharpen that vision of your future, of that decision…even if it is something as simple as a pile of clothes in the corner…make that picture bright, clear, shining…and you will actually feel pulled to make it come true in reality.

With that pile of clothes, I made a mental list (because it was just a small thing, wasn’t it?) of the pros and cons. I saw that I had been tolerating it. I made a mental picture….a clear, bright, focused mental picture of what that corner of the room would look like…with that pile of clothes gone…put into its proper place in storage…

And before I knew it, I was able to just go and do it…without feeling bad…or tolerating it anymore…and it is the same way with other aspects of our lives.

So take a look at what you are tolerating…in yourself or in your relationships…and realize that you can have what you want…and it can be this simple…yes…it really can…

“Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it!”- Maya Angelou

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?” Sherie Venner