Yes, it is possible to create your ideal relationship. What if you don't have a current partner? Don’t worry; these steps will help you to clarify what you want so that you can create an ideal relationship. What if you are already in a relationship that is not ideal? As long as there are no deal breakers in your relationship, these steps will definitely help you!

Step 1: Know What you Really Want in an Ideal Relationship

Ha! It can’t be that easy can it? Well, it’s not. Sometimes, what we think we want is not what we actually want.  If you could take a look at your current relationship, if you are in one, and your two past previous relationships, what would you see?

Take a pen and paper out and list the similarities between your present relationship and the past two. If you are currently single, do the same with your past relationships (at least two, preferably three).  Can you see any patterns that are similar between them? 

Have you been creating the same type of partner, over and over again? That is what I did, in the past. One of the techniques that worked really well for me was to sit down and write a fake personal ad. In that ad, I listed all of the qualities of the people that I had been attracting in my life.  It wasn’t pretty.

When I saw all those negatives, I was prompted to turn around and reframe the qualities. I wrote an ad about the opposite qualities. It was much better and in the end, that is what I went on to bring into my life. When you do this exercise, you see that you are attracting what you believe you deserve. Sometimes, “your type” and what you think you wanted, are not for your higher good.

Step 2: Clear Out Your Negative Beliefs about Relationships

You know the ones I mean. “All men are scum” or for the guys “All women cheat”, or any statement that starts with “All”. Ask yourself  this: “Is that true?”.  Really. Take a good look at that. “Is that true? Do ALL men (women) __________”.  This question that you ask can be a life changer and for some people, that is all that is needed.

List the other negative beliefs that you have about relationships. I am a fan of sitcoms as well. This week, Jess on New Girl, met a new guy and he didn’t fit the profile she held in her mind about guys that she would be interested in. He was rich, kind and caring and she was used to guys who were less than that, underdogs she called them. It was difficult for her to even consider going out with him. We’ll see what happens.

Catch what you say about your exes. That will reveal a lot about how you feel about relationships. 

Step 3:  Letting Go of Old Less than Ideal Relationships

Do you still talk about your ex a lot? Do you stalk their Facebook page? Chances are, you haven’t moved on as much as you thought you had. Yes, they can be a part of your past. It is important though that you remember that they are your EX. It is done, over with…so put it in the past where it belongs and focus on creating a new fabulous relationship.

We all learn something in our relationships…feel gratitude for what you learned, for the lessons that came from being with that person, even if that is difficult to do. When you can feel gratitude for some little thing that you learned, it makes it easier to let it go…now…

Continue on to Part 2 and the final 2 critical steps to creating an ideal relationship….you'll want to catch this!

 

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

Okay, I confess. I am a Grey’s Anatomy fan. I have watched it from the beginning and in spite of some ups and downs in the story, I still love it. One of the couples that I have watched with interest and fascination has been Owen and Christina. This week Owen said “I love you so much it hurts” to Christina. He had that moment of revelation that was brilliantly played and written.

So have you ever been in that kind of situation?  Where you loved someone so much that it hurt?  I think we all have thought that, even if it was just at a point in our lives when we were young and infatuated.  What does this mean?

There is a song called “Love Hurts” by Nazareth and the beginning lyrics go like this:

“Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and mars”

Is it True that Love Hurts?

No. Love, by its very definition, can’t hurt.  What hurts is the LOSS that we feel. If you truly feel connected to another person and feel loving towards them, that does not hurt.  Owen did not realize that it was not the act of feeling love towards Christina that hurt. It was the feeling that he had lost that love.

When you feel pain associated with “love”, it is a miscommunication with yourself.  In a way, you have made a “complex equivalence”…that is, you are saying X = Y.  Love = Pain.

Think about it…is that true?  Does love really equal pain?  No. It can just seem like that and it might seem like hair splitting.  Nobody knows how another person feels deep inside or how they represent the world.

True Love Doesn't Hurt

What is true love?

• True love is respect
• True love is honoring the other person and their values
• True love is spending quality time together
• True love is feeling that you are your best when you are with the other person
• True love is supportive and kind
• True love is forgiving and understanding
• True love is loyalty and sharing
• True love is accepting your own imperfection and the beloved’s imperfections

When we are in relationship with other people, feelings do get hurt and that is a normal part of life. Hurt feelings that happen in the give and take of every day life is not what Owen was talking about. He was referring to a deep wounding that he identified as his love for Christina. 

The Problem with Believing that Love Hurts

If you have a complex equivalence (that is an NLP term) that love = hurt or pain, you might find yourself tolerating a relationship that is not for your higher good or the higher good of the other person.  From that, abusive elements can rise in a relationship. 

Many women (and men, too) find themselves tolerating abusive relationships because of the belief that “love hurts”.  Feelings can get hurt in any relationship and there is a difference between that and abuse. When a partner cheats on the other, like in the case of Owen and Christina,  that is abusive.  When one partner goes ahead and does something specifically that the other partner is not in agreement with, that can be deemed abusive as well.

Emotional abuse is just as devastating and damaging to a relationship as physical abuse.  Neither form of abuse is acceptable in a relationship. If you find yourself in that position, get help, quickly. If you are in a relationship with someone who tells you that “love hurts”, that is not true. It doesn’t.

In other cases, where abuse is not present, the belief that “love hurts” can be deeply ingrained because of the loss of a previous love. You lose a significant other and decide that “love hurts” and then, possibly, don’t allow it into your life again.

Grey’s Anatomy is not real and yet, the stories can mirror how life happens for some…Owen and Christina have a story that I have heard before. I am going to watch and see how it plays out. I like the two characters and if they were real, I would wish them the best and good luck, they need it.

So step back and take a good and hard look at how you feel about love. Decide for yourself what defines love in your own life. Realize that you deserve all the best that love can offer you and then claim it. It’s yours…as soon as you do…and remember the love you feel for yourself…make it true…

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

The spectre of unemployment is affecting a lot of people today.  In the midst of sudden change in employment status, whether it is from a layoff, termination, or the company that you worked for has gone under, it can be a shock.

When people are faced with a shock, they can become depressed, angry or feel symptoms of anxiety. All of this takes a toll on a person’s self-esteem and how they feel about themselves and the people they love. Relationships are under massive pressure in a time of unemployment.

In order to survive and even thrive when unemployment strikes, there are steps to take that will help you feel that you have your power back…and that is critical.  When you feel that you have power in a situation like that, you are able to get back on your feet quickly.

"The hardest work in the world is being out of work".

                 ~Whitney Young, Jr.

Tip #1 It is Critical to keep to a Regular Schedule

This is tip #1 because it is the hardest thing to do.  Jackie is a 43 year old woman who has been laid off from her job as an executive assistant.  After the initial shock has worn off, Jackie finds herself at loose ends…she watches too much television, surfs the internet for hours and finds herself at the mall buying things that she no longer can afford. It feels to her that she is on automatic, going through the motions of her life, without a sense of purpose.

Get out your planner and make a plan for each day, give yourself the weekends off because you need to do that.  Looking for a job is work.  It is hard work…harder than having a job.  There will be things that you don’t have control over and there are things that you do.  Your time is one of the things that you have control over.

Get up at a set time, get dressed (not in sweats and this applies to guys as well, even though our example is a lady!).  Plan how many hours a day will be spent in job search, resume creation, resume submission and job interviews.  Then do it.

Tip #2 Team Work Rules!

If you have a spouse or significant other, enlist them in your fight for employment! Quite often, one spouse will have strengths in one area that the other spouse does not. Brainstorm together and when you realize that you are a team, you will strengthen your relationship.

If your partner is better at writing than you, have them create the bones of the resume and cover letter using the information that you provide.  If you don’t have a spouse or partner, enlist the help of a good friend who has the skills that you don’t. 

When Tom lost his job as an IT tech, Maria, a stay at home with great writing and research skills, did the job search on the computer every afternoon.  She would find the jobs, email them to Tom, Tom would look them over and say “yes” or “no”.  They created folders on their computers that both could access through a home network (you don’t have to go to this extent, sneaker net works well, too!).

Her writing skills were better, so she was able to edit and modify his resume based on the research she did on resumes on the internet.  He sent in the applications and did the interviews.  Tom was one of the lucky ones…with his skill set, home support, and the team work effort; he landed a much better job than the one he lost, in only 3 months.

If you don’t have this kind of support system (and a lot of people don’t), hire someone to do a professional resume for you.  Allot time every day for job search and do it, every day, Monday to Friday.

Tip #3 Exercise and Eat Well

Now, it is even more important to keep your spirits up by exercising. The endorphins will help to keep depression and anxiety at bay.  Watch your food and alcohol intake and keep yourself in fighting form. If budget is an issue, and it usually is when you are faced with unemployment, skip the prepared foods and eat whole foods…it is cheaper in the long run.

Tip #4 Keep Your Social Ties Active

One of the dangers of unemployment is the lack of interaction with other people, other than family, on a daily basis. It is too easy to allow yourself to be isolated. Activities that serve to isolate can be too much television, computer gaming, and surfing on the internet

Even if your budget is tight because of unemployment, budget in activities with friends. Find economical ways to interact, such as potluck dinners, renting movies and popping your own popcorn, hosting a party in your own home…use your imagination and remember that the only one really judging you is you.  True friends give you support in times of trouble, they really do. 

Remember, you are not alone. 

Tip # 5 Visualizing a New and Better Life

This tip I have saved for last and it is certainly not the least…when you have bad days and there will be bad days…you must monitor yourself talk and picture a better life for yourself.  Play a different movie in your mind where you can see and feel that new job, just around the corner…because it is there…right there…even if you can’t see it yet.

Take a look at the job you left behind and see what you would have liked to happen differently…and then, find a better job, one that is better suited to your skills and dare I say it, maybe, even pays you a bit more? Wouldn’t that be nice….yes…it is possible to create better than you had.

You can survive unemployment emotionally and actually come out of it stronger than you went into it.  Anxiety and depression are a thing of the past when you realize that you can create a better life for yourself.  Keep on going…it might seem darkest before the dawn…but there is light at the end of the tunnel…it might take longer than you thought…but if you do all that you can, you will come out of it stronger and so will your relationship.

Life is a journey and along the way changes happen.  We aren’t always happy about those changes and they happen anyway. There is a famous song by the Byrds based on a biblical reference.  It is called Turn, Turn, Turn. The reference is Ecclesiastes. 3.1: “To everything, there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.”

So, change happens.  Why do we feel so uncomfortable, even guilty, with it? Why is change difficult to embrace for most of us? Fear. Fear underlies the guilt.

Fear of the Unknown and Change

We become comfortable with the known, the everyday, the mundane that happens.  We can rely on the predictability of certain events. When sudden change happens, even change for the good, we become a little off kilter. We might feel like we have lost our bearings.

Stepping out into the unknown is scary because we want to have control of our lives. Control is an illusion.  We can plan and prepare and still, things happen. We don’t plan to lose a job, to have a loved one die, to break a limb, to have the fireplace glass explode! (Yes, this one did happen to me…what a mess to clean up!)

Guilt can happen easily here because we blame ourselves for the event. Even though it is admirable to take responsibility (and indeed, that is a way to empowerment), responsibility is not blame. Blaming is similar to shaming. When we blame ourselves, we are criticizing ourselves. We shame ourselves in the hope that this will never happen again.

It doesn’t work. A caterpillar may be afraid to change because he doesn't know he is going to be a butterfly.

Fear of Failure and Change

Another factor in feeling guilty about change, is the fear of failure.  Do you know someone who wants a guarantee, written in stone before they attempt even the smallest feat? Perhaps that is you, perhaps it is not…

The fear of failure when we are faced with big and small life changes is immense. No one wants to fail. Because no one wants to fail, it is easy to never start. If you never start, you can’t fail, can you? Actually, in a way, failing to start is still failing. If you tell yourself that you will get to it tomorrow…and you don’t ever get to tomorrow, it is a failure.

As children, we have been conditioned to avoid failure or the appearance of failure, at all costs. Imagine a small child, taken to task by his teacher for failing to hand in an assignment. He will stand there, squirming, making up excuses about why the homework didn’t get done. "The dog ate my homework."  "I dropped it in a puddle on the way to school and it was ruined." 

Then, by trying to avoid failure and using excuses (or lies), guilt sets in. 

Accepting Change Without Guilt

Realize that the world is full of change and that in order to steer your way through life, change is inevitable. Guilt has value in certain instances and it can hold you a prisoner in others.  It is essential to forgive yourself, to let go of the guilt and move on….

Accept the change that has happened in your life. You can’t go back and change that, can you? It has happened. If there is a valuable learning, keep that and move on. When you don’t fight inevitable change, you free yourself to make the change flow smoothly into your life. What you fight, persists.

When you look upon change as a part of life, that life does not remain static…guilt is hard to hold on to. Embrace change, see it as an adventure….like the seasons, change comes and change goes…the seasons lead seamlessly into each other and change can too, if we let it…be the butterfly…