Does your relationship look like this at times?

Photo courtesy of antean

Have you ever felt like you were locked into any of the following behaviors? If so, you might be in danger of destroying the relationship that you once prized above all others.

The power struggle……….where two people want to be in control of the relationship instead of being true partners. This leads to conflict that is very difficult to resolve.   

Great expectations…..are you clear about the expectations that you have for your relationship?  Did you talk about your expectations with your significant other in the beginning of your time together or did you make assumptions?  I knew of one couple who hadn’t clarified whether they were going to be monogamous or not…one assumed they were going to be and the other assumed they weren’t going to be….it’s a big deal.

Mind reading……I hate to be the one to tell you but you really aren’t as good at reading minds as you think you are.  You don’t know how a person feels or what they are thinking unless you ask or they tell you on their own. As children, we make interpretations of the events around us and sometimes we are right.  This leads us to think that we are quite intuitive about the reactions that people will give us……we make assumptions and role play situations in our minds until we convince ourselves that it will happen exactly that way.

Opposing values…..If your spouse’s leading value is freedom and yours is security that can lead to a lot of conflict.  He wants to fly off to Australia on a whim and you want to use the money to put a down payment on a house near your family.  Have you clarified your values?

Time travelling…..if you continually bring up events that happened in the past, you are, in essence, travelling in time, living in the past.

What can you do about letting go of the relationship killers?

Decide that you are partners and work together, be a team.

Discuss what you want in your relationship, make a plan

Don’t assume that you know what the other person is thinking.  Ask questions, be specific.

Discover what your values are (I will be talking about this in a future post. Stay tuned!!).  See if the values each of have compliment each other or conflict with each other.  Find a way to compromise.

Don’t dredge up the past.  Focus on NOW and the PRESENT.

 

 

 

What do you think motivation is?  It is the desire to do something, the act or process of motivating…in other words, it’s the “get up and go” that gets you moving toward a goal or thing that you want.

As a child, were you motivated by your parents rewarding you for cleaning your room or did it work better for them to threaten you with a grounding or a similar punishment?  If you are motivated by a reward, the shiny object that provides a measure of pleasure in your life, then you are a person who is motivated “towards” something.  If you are motivated by avoiding pain, than you are a person who is an “away from” person.

Just recently, I had the opportunity to get very, very motivated…….my brother-in-law and his wife were coming to visit us and our deck had been in need of a very thorough sanding and staining. It’s a big job and Shane and I had been procrastinating doing it. 

I discovered that I work really well with the picture of the “reward” (in this case, my beautiful, finished and stained deck) clear and in front of me.  Perhaps you are that way as well, you would feel motivated by posting the pictures of what you want on your fridge or on a vision board.  The prospect of a reward entices you forward!

My husband, on the other hand, works really, really well with the idea or picture of a possible negative event if he doesn’t get it done.  He was more concerned about what his brother would think if he saw the deck in the condition it was in, originally.  He worked very hard to “avoid” the pain of his brother’s perceived judgement.

So, here is what you can do to motivate yourself and kick laziness and procrastination to the curb!

Motivation strategy for a “towards” person

1.        Imagine a time when you were really, really motivated

2.        Is there a picture?  Where in space, is that picture located? Is it in front of you, like a panorama, or does it have a frame around it?

3.        Is the picture bright, dim, flat or 3D?

4.        Is there any motion or feelings associated with that picture?

5.        Is there any sounds?  If so, are there any directions to the sounds?

Now, think of the goal that you want to achieve. Notice that it probably does not have the same qualities (we call them sub modalities in NLP) as the memory that you have of the time when you really, really were motivated.  We are just going to shift things, just a little.  We are going to change the aspects of the goal you are having trouble achieving, the one you might be calling yourself “lazy” for.  

Start by asking yourself the following questions:

1.       Why is this goal important to you?  What will happen if you accomplish it?

2.        Is it a good for you, good for others, good for the planet goal, if you accomplish it?

3.        What will happen if you don’t accomplish this goal?

4.        Imagine that you can change the sub modalities of this new goal to be the same as the ones in the motivated goal that you accomplished……change the qualities of the picture, the type of light, the size of it, the sounds and feelings associated with it……just like that

5.       See yourself at that time in the future that you want the goal accomplished by and feel the feelings of pride and satisfaction for having done it…..that’s right

Now, how easy was that to give the new goal the same sub modalities as the memory of the time you were very, very motivated?

Feel the change, just like that…..

Be careful when you are applying this strategy to any goal……you should make sure that your goal is something that is good for you, good for the people that you love, and good for the planet…..because you will be motivated to go after it.

For those of you with an “away” from strategy, I would caution you about thinking in catastrophic terms about what will happen if you don’t accomplish your goal.  Try a different approach and give the “towards” strategy a go….you might be surprised! 

Here’s to new beginnings and feeling energized, optimistic and focused, all of the feelings that come to you when you are in a motivated state!

 

 

Update:  Tonight, I watched Oprah Winfrey fire walk.  She was taught by Tony Robbins and it was amazing to watch her go through that experience. Every one has fear and you can learn strategies to overcome it.  Here is my original post about doing my own personal fire walk.

In 1995, I had the privilege of attending a fire walk led by Mr. Ivan Kos, in Edmonton, Alberta. I did it because I was at a turning point in my life and needed to face my fears.

 

A load of wood greeted us outside of the community hall and we watched, mesmerized, as the fire was lit.  It burned for hours, flames leaping to the dark night of the sky, as we prepped ourselves mentally for walking on a hot bed of coals.

As the moon rose and the night deepened, you could feel the electric energy slipping across the room as the embers glowed with tiny tendrils of flame leaping up through the dark bed.

Did we just walk across the flames with no preparation?  No…..we spent hours doing visualization exercises, allowing ourselves to go into a trance of sorts that would allow us to cross safely.  There were beliefs that needed to be deleted and new beliefs installed…….we tested those beliefs on wooden boards that we tried to break (this was before I had any martial arts training at all and I failed at it, miserably!).  

Approaching a Fire Walk

• We eliminated negative beliefs
• We installed new, empowering beliefs
• We visualized a safe, ecological outcome (we would cross the coals with intact, burn free feet!)
• We tested our beliefs system in a safe manner

Then, when we were ready and not a moment before, we stood there, on the edge of the bed of coals, excitement and fear a tangible force in the night.  Ivan told us to go when we felt the undeniable urge to cross the coals safely.  I felt a stirring in my chest and looked around at the others, waiting for someone to go first….and then, to my surprise, I found myself making the first move, my feet carrying me safely across the coals.  The exhilaration as I reached the other side was indescribable. 

I understand that there may be scientific reasons why your feet don’t burn.  All I know is this….the fear of fire is real, it is a primal fear.  In order to ALLOW yourself to cross, you must overcome that fear and once you have made those steps and embarked on that journey, my friends, you will know “I have walked on fire.  I can do anything”.

Most people will not have the opportunity to fire walk on a bed of coals.  You might, however, have had your own “bed of coals”, such as an abusive relationship,illness, a death of a child, physical limitations, loss, bankruptcy (money and/or soul).  The list is endless for beds of burning coals in life. 

My friend, whatever you have survived, walked past, moved on from….congratulate yourself for the accomplishment.  The world is your oyster and you CAN have the life you want to create.

Warning:  Do not attempt fire walking without the proper supervision of someone certified to teach it. It can be dangerous!

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner 

 

Image Credit

 

How do you feel about the word “relationship”?  Does it make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like a small kitten playing with a ball of string, or does it have a negative, yucky feeling to it, like a slimy piece of spaghetti that has been left in the cooking water too long?

It can be a loaded word….have you ever said to someone you were close to “Honey, we need to talk about our relationship….”.  Did they leap up, excitedly saying “Yes, we certainly do”, smiling and fist pumping in the air or did their eyes glaze over and did they groan in a low moaning voice?  I know what kind of reaction I usually get!  ; )

If you take a look at the word “relationship”, you might see that there is an implication that a relationship is a thing, or as we call it in NLP, it has been nominalized.  Nominalized?  Time for a brief grammar lesson…..nominalization is when you take a verb, or action word, and turn it into a noun or thing, something that would have substance or be something that you could put your hands on. 

So let’s look at that.  In order to make the word “relationship”, we have turned the verb “relating” into a noun.  It now has gone from a word that moves (relating), into a stagnant word, quite like a lot of relationships in the world, don’t you think?? :  )

We stop thinking of how we “do” that action and see it as a static noun.  Can I hear you saying “….but, but….I always work on my relationship”? 

Show me how you do that…..do you take out a series of wrenches and work on it like you would if you were tuning up a motorbike….

See…..you can put your hands on a motorbike and work on it if you are so inclined.  

What does this mean to you?  If you approach your relationships from a different perspective, one in which you are aware of how you are relating, you are in a position of power because when you recognize that you are relating (action), it is easier to evaluate and make the changes that you need to so that you can be relating in a manner that works for you and gets you the results you want.  If you are getting the results you want, great, keep it up.  If you are not getting the results that you want, then it is time for a change, isn’t it?

Am I saying that you should never use the word relationship?  Absolutely not!  We use words like these to define abstract ideas and to share common ground with others.  It has it’s place, this is just a different way of looking at your life. 

Here is a simple, easy way to look at how we define a relationship.  Imagine, if you will, an umbrella we call relationship, just like this…… 

 

 

Ask yourself these questions about a relationship that you have concerns about:

• When I am with  __________(fill in the blank), how am I relating?
• What tone do I use when I am speaking  to  ____?
• What type of body language am I using?
• How am I looking at _____?
• Do I scowl , frown or smile?
• How do they relate back to me?
• What are they saying?
• How are they saying it?
• How am I feeling?

What results am I getting from this style of relating? 

So, let’s revisit that common scenario of wanting to talk to a significant person about your relationship.  Imagine, if you will, saying “Honey, I would like to talk about how we are relating to each other”.  How does that sound to you?  Try it and see….you might be surprised!!  Focus on the actions that you take and the way you think about how you are relating to others…..including yourself. 

Remember, the relationship you have with you is important and knowing yourself is easier than you think!

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner