Are you feeling overwhelmed by an unfinished project or just the day to day tasks that you have to accomplish? Have you ever heard the expression “Bloom where you are planted?” I am sure that you have…. It’s an expression that I like a lot and it applies to a stressful project that we had to face this summer. .

Photo by borkur.net

When my family had the opportunity to paint our deck, even though we used visualization and motivation strategies to accomplish it, there were definitely moments of stress.

It’s a big job!!  Our deck looked like it hadn’t been stained in quite a few years and since we had moved in, we hadn’t had the opportunity or motivation to do it! What a mess!  We had never done anything like it before and none of us knew exactly what to do.

It was a very wet summer here in Edmonton and when we made the decision to forge ahead and paint the deck, we were blessed with 10 days of hot, dry weather, right at the beginning of September.

There are many ways that doing a job like that can be approached.  You can make it into a chore, a drudgery that makes everyone around you feel bad or you can approach it like a game, and put joy into it. How you approach it, can add to the value in your relationships or hinder them.. 

Here is what I learned…..

Plan!  Know the tools you will need and have them ready when you need them.  There was a lot of research on the internet that went on and questioning of the handymen in our family.

Visualize your success.  When you picture the end result, you have a goal that you can confidently move towards.

Co-operation is necessary!  Team work all the way!!  (especially when it comes to a big project).

Ask for help when you don’t know what to do (thanks to the very lovely people who shared their knowledge at the Benjamin Moore paint store in Sherwood Park!).

Have fun! Laugh when things go wrong ….that’s what we did when I spilled HALF a can of very expensive stain on our unpainted picnic table……..(which has now lovingly been stained to match the deck!).  Fortunately, I missed getting it on the dog!

Take time to rest (frequent breaks with refreshments on a hot day are a bonus!).

Enjoy the weather when it’s good (sunshine is good for the heart and the soul).

And finally, last but not least….

Celebrate your success.  Acknowledge the hard work of those who made it possible, for the long hours in the sun scraping the flecks of peeling paint off of the floorboards of the deck. (We celebrated with music, good food and an episode of our favourite television show, Dr. Who!).

Each of us have projects and tasks that we are doing, whether it is home or self improvement, going to school, learning new skills or building a business. It doesn’t even need to be a big task, it can be something as simple as putting your laundry away or doing the dishes.  

When you are feeling overwhelmed, trying out one or two of these small strategies can help you bloom where you are planted…..the world will seem a much better place!  In the process, you will find that the relationship you have with yourself, as well as with others, will be strengthened.

Do you melt down during a simple, non violent conflict in any of your relationships, whether they are with a partner, children, friends or co-workers?  If you find yourself slipping into an emotional storm within when you are in such a conflict, read on…..

Photo courtesy of snowpeak

First of all, let’s talk about the effect of time travelling on your relationships.  Hmmmm…..I can hear the wheels turning in your mind.  Let me explain…..I am not talking about time travel as in a science fiction story. 

I am talking about going into a light trance.We all do it, from time to time, even if we aren't aware.  When you aren’t aware that you are in a trance, you know, like the light kind of trance you can easily go into when you are driving your car, things happen. Suddenly you are there at your destination, without remembering all the twists and turns.

When you go into that kind of light trance, (and we do from time to time in different situations), you might  experience the same feelings that you experienced at a point in time where you found yourself in a similar conflict.

People do that you know.  They recall the sights, sounds and feelings of a previous conflict and drag them into the now.  Maybe you do that, too, I don’t know but you do… know, I  mean.  You know if you are one of those people who can recite word for word the “sins” of your partner.  Maybe you recall the pain of that previous conflict so well . 

If you find yourself saying “You ALWAYS do that”….you can be sure that you have gone into the past to bring forward past bad behavior and possibly are projecting the same behavior into the future.  It can be really hard to maintain cool in that kind of state.

In fact, it might not have even been something that the person you are in conflict with has done in the past.  If we can imagine that we store, in our memories, events, like a string of pearls, each one connected with the other, it can happen that we pull up a number of events that trigger the bad feelings, in an instant, just like that.

What can you do about that? 

Recognize that you are pulling the past forward and feeling it in the now

Take a deep breath and plant your feet firmly in the now, remind yourself of the date (say, “It’s day/month/year”)

Avoid projecting into the future and using words like “always”

Be aware that it is YOU who is doing this

Realize that YOU have a choice

Let the feelings go, just like that

If you are not in the habit of letting go of negative feelings, you might need to think it through and practice it until it becomes a good habit. For some people, that is enough, just that little change will make all the difference in the world.

Stay in the NOW.  Keep the future and past out of your conversation. Accept responsibility for how you think. Let any negative feelings go that used to crop up from the past. 

These simple steps are key to avoid being pulled into a downward spiral during a disagreement. You will find that your ability to remain calmer will increase, the more you put it into practice. 

 

Knowing
the love strategy of the people that you are in relationship with, your partner and/or your children, can be life changing.

When we use those love strategies, the people in our life feel more loved. When they feel more loved, then so do we… Do you want to know how?

When We Make Assumptions

Let’s talk about Peter and Mary.  They have been together for 5 years and love each other a lot.

Mary went shopping one day and found a  trinket, and thought to herself “Peter would love this!”, purchased it and brought it home.  She proudly presented her find to Peter, excitedly.

Peter looked at the trinket, thanked Mary politely and went back to reading the newspaper.  Mary plunks herself down on the sofa and wonders what she did wrong…..she expected a different reaction.  She thinks that Peter never appreciates anything that she does.

What just happened?  If Peter had picked up the same trinket for Mary, she would have been over the moon because then he would have fulfilled her love strategy. It was not his love strategy.  We have here a case of one person thinking that their significant other’s love strategy is the same as their own. Naturally, people think that way…..

Discovering A Person’s Love Strategy 

Let’s start with your own …..

How do you know you are loved by someone else?  Really know?

Can you remember a time, a time in the past, when you knew with certainty that you were loved?  Do you have a specific time in mind?

When you think of that time…….that time when you were truly and certainly loved……

Were you taken to a special place?…or….

Did someone buy something for you?…..or……

Were you looked at with a special look?…..or…….

Did someone say special words to you or did they speak in a special tone of voice? …..or….

Was there a special touch that made you feel loved?….or….

Was it something else?

Your way of knowing that you are loved will probably be different from that of your partner, or it might not be.  When we are first in relationship with someone, we tend to pull out all the stops in our behaviors in order to ensure that we are seen in the best light.

It could be nature’s way of ensuring that we find a mate!   : D  We buy things, we use our special tone of voice, we look lovingly at our special person, we go places and do activities that are fun, we hold hands and hug….in essence, we are firing on all cylinders. 

Once the routine of a relationship settles in, our natural tendency is to pull back a little, and revert to functioning in our primary love strategy, a set of behaviors that we think will show the other one that they are adored.  If you think that you are showing your partner that you love them by giving them something, when they need you to look them in the eyes and give them that special glance, you will have failed.

The same holds true for our children, they have love strategies as well.  One child might need to have things purchased for them; another might need to be taken to the movies. 

How can discovering the love strategies of the people in your life, help you have a better relationship? Let me know in the comments, below!

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner 

 

Relationships can be difficult, they can be fun, they can be rewarding.

Relationships are like a house. Some relationships look like well built homes and others look like the picture to your right…topsy turvy and broken down.

Let’s look at relationships from a different perspective and examine 5 crazy but true ideas about them.

These Relationship Truths 

1. If a relationship has a firm foundation, you can rebuild it

Do you or did you share, at one time, friendship, trust, love, safety, balance? If so, and the cracks in your relationship are minor, you can rebuild it with time, work, awareness and even a little bit of fun.

2. Opposites do attract but severely mismatched core values destroy that attraction

Find out what your core values are and ask your partner to do the same.  Make sure you complete the exercise and order your values, according to their importance in your life.  Evaluate where the two of you stand.  Understanding each other from this viewpoint will make an astounding difference!

3. Ignoring the love strategy of your mate is a disaster waiting to happen

Each of us has a love strategy that, when it is in play, lets us know that we are loved. What specifically do you need to have happen in order to feel loved?

If you feel loved when someone buys you something, then that works for you. Perhaps your love strategy is being told that you are loved.  Maybe it is the look that your partner gives you.  If your love strategy is not being fulfilled, then you won’t feel loved.  For example, if you need to be told that you are loved and your partner will only buy you flowers to show you that he loves you, you won’t feel loved.

4. The little things really, really matter

The little things make a difference.  Bringing your spouse a cup of tea when they are upset, giving them a hug or getting one, leaving love notes by text, post it notes, or email bring joy to the hearts of some.  How would you feel if your partner left you this note……”You are the sunshine of my life…You lift me up when I am feeling down”?  

If you like to be told that you are loved, discover for yourself how often you need to be told, once or more times a day, once or more times a week?  What works for you? 

5. Conflict is not the problem, how you resolve conflict is

How do you resolve conflict in your relationship?  Is there name calling, smashing of plates, door slamming and chaos or do you sit calmly, talking with each other, getting to the root of the matter, without blame?  Is it time for a new conflict resolution strategy? Conflict does not need to be a relationship killer, it can be a doorway to greater communication.

How does your relationship stack up in light of these truths?

“Drive your own life…you deserve to , don’t you?”  Sherie Venner 

**Photo courtesy of Amber Chipman