Anxiety is a state…a state of of fear, worry, uneasiness of the mind, apprehension, and/or dread about future possibilities. Because it is a state, it can lead to being stuck…once it starts, that state can be very difficult to get out of.

Anxiety causes a lot of problems for the person who is experiencing it.  The symptoms are varied, depending on the level of anxiety being experienced. It can be accompanied by physical symptoms as well as purely emotional ones.

For the purposes of this post, I am going to assume that, if you suffer from anxiety, that you have seen a doctor…that any physical or biological potential causes of it have been ruled out.

That means that causes (including but not limited to) such as allergies, environmental factors, sensitivities, blood sugar issues, nutritional shortfalls  and/or celiac disease have been examined by a medical professional.

Low Level Anxiety

Low level anxiety is a state that is always hovering in the background.  Even when things are going well in your life, there is that niggling feeling in the back of your mind.

It is the feeling of being anxious, no matter what.  It never rises to the level where it causes any major problems. Yet, it affects the ability to go forward and live your life to the fullest of its potential.

Here are a few practices that are effective in taming low level anxiety.

This type of anxiety can be calmed by a daily practice of visualization…a meditation if you will…if you can imagine yourself in a place of peace and safety and if you can bring calming feelings into that visualization…doing it twice daily, for a minimum of 15 minutes…it can work wonders.

Increase the levels of the feel good neuro transmitters in your brain by exercising and deep breathing.  The increased oxygen to the brain helps to stimulate the feel good chemicals and endorphins in your brain. When you have more feel good endorphins, you feel happier and the anxiety diminishes.

Progressive relaxation is a type of calming exercise that works well.  You start at the top of your head, tense muscles, and then release them.  Continue until you reach the bottom of your feet.  As you progress from the top of your body to the bottom, remember to breathe deeply. While you do this, imagine that you are descending down a staircase…and when you are finished…visualize yourself standing at the bottom of the staircase and give yourself a mental pat on the back.

Eliminate the negativity in your self talk in order to lessen anxiety.  When you are listening to a constant stream of negative chatter in your head, it causes you to feel anxious. Switch the channel and think of something else…keep a list of all of the positive aspects of you and keep it with you…read it when the negative chatter starts.

Panic Attacks

While it might seem that a panic attack can strike out of the blue, it usually happens when a person has been under a period of prolonged stress.  In essence, it is the straw that broke the camels back.  One more thing happened, and it could have been a seemingly minor event, and boom….you are tripped over into a full blown panic attack.

The problem with the anxiety that is triggered during one of these attacks is that it is overwhelming. When you are in full fight or flight response, there are some things that you can do.

• Remember that appearances are deceiving…you actually are in control. 
• Mentally take a step back from the problem and the anxiety.
• Tell yourself “Stop”.  Remind yourself that panic attacks do not last forever and that you will not die. Imagine that it is 15 minutes past the attack.  Look back to now and see that everything is okay. 
• SLOW  your breathing down to its normal rate. Focus. It is very important to do this. 
• Whether you know it or not, there is a picture in your mind, a story that you are telling yourself.  Be aware of it and make that movie that is playing into a still picture.
• Turn the lights down; make it dark, so that you can’t see the details.  If you can’t turn the movie into a still, then slooowwwwww it down, make it like a slow motion movie with the voices all distorted…you know what that sounds like, don’t you?

The key issue here is to break the loop that causes the anxiety panic attack…the mind likes patterns and it likes habits.  Break it…that weakens it…break it again…it gets weaker still…until finally, there isn’t any point to doing it anymore, is there?

Do not strive for perfection…strive to have that anxiety state be a little bit less, then a little bit lesser than that…until it just disappears…forever…lost out there in a dark, black void.

When you know that you are the one in charge of your mind and your thoughts, you become empowered.  So know it…tell anxiety to take a back seat, you have a life to live.

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

Image Credit: Stuart Miles

If you find yourself feeling anxiety because you are alone on Valentine’s Day, I can understand. I was in a similar place, many years ago. There is a way out. You don't need to be held down or have your world ruled by anxiety symptoms. Take a deep breath and do something different.  

The first Valentine’s Day after my marriage ended, I found myself alone. The divorce was to be finalized the next day, on February 15.  I felt sad and anxious about the path that my life had taken so far. It hadn’t worked out the way that I had planned it. 

I felt familiar stirrings of anxiety welling up inside and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it.  Then, I had an idea…an idea that changed my life and how I felt about myself.  It was a turning point. I can say, whole heartedly, that this decision was the one that made all the difference.

Choose to Look at Yourself Differently

We all have stories that we tell about ourselves.  These stories define the life that we have lived.  These stories define the life that we will live, if we don’t change them.  

One of the traditional gifts that are given to loved ones on Valentine’s Day is a bouquet of red roses.  I had never received that, ever, in my life, from anyone. 

That Valentine’s Day, the day before my final divorce papers arrived, I decided to buy myself those flowers….and I did…a beautiful, large bouquet of bright, brilliant red roses, with white baby’s breath scattered through it. It was magnificent and filled the room with its gentle perfume.

Each time I looked at that beautiful arrangement on my dining room table, I felt differently about myself.  I felt calmer…I felt peaceful. I took the time to stop and smell the roses…

Was it the flowers that caused me to feel differently?  No…it was because I decided that I was worth it…that I deserved to have those roses, even if I had to give them to myself.  

The story that I told myself about not getting roses was that I didn’t deserve them.  When I made the change in that belief, my new belief became “I deserve roses because I am worth it”.  I met the man who was to become my husband the following weekend. He is a man who buys me flowers, often…when you believe that you deserve more, you get more.

What Can You Do to Lessen the Anxiety of Being Alone?

• Focusing on your strengths and writing them down will help you to feel calmer. Remember, you are stronger than you think.
• If you discover any negative beliefs underlying the anxiety, write them down.  When you shed light on the negative beliefs, it loosens them.
• When you replace a negative mental picture with a positive mental image for the future, anxiety lessens.
• Exercise; endorphins are good for the brain and you will feel better.
• Treat yourself to the small gestures that you associate with being in a relationship.  For me, it was flowers, for others it is a good meal out, a box of Valentine’s chocolates, a walk in the park, watching a movie…it’s all up to you, isn’t it?

Write a Love Letter to Yourself

Do you find it hard to silence the inner critic in your head?  Tell it to shut up for Valentine’s Day. It can take a break for the day and it can go on vacation.

Then sit down, in a favorite, quiet place and set a timer for 10 minutes. Think of a time when you felt loved…really and truly loved…and when you think of that time…yes, there was a time …play that mental movie…and…

Write a love letter to you…speak of yourself in glowing terms…imagine that you are writing a letter to the most special person in the world…because you are, you know…special…whether you know it or not.

When the 10 minutes is up, you can go on writing or you can read it…and when you do, if that inner critic comes back from vacation, tell it to shut up or make it sound like a cartoon character…you pick a silly voice and make it softer and slower…

Read that letter out loud and let yourself feel loved.  When you allow yourself to feel love, no matter how that happens, anxiety flies out the window…it shrivels up and can’t survive in an atmosphere of love.

Put that letter in a safe place and drag it out when you need it. The secret here is the feelings…access those feelings of love…and watch your life change.

So, if you find yourself alone on Valentine’s Day and feeling anxious, it doesn’t have to be that way.  You have the power to choose. You have the power to access feelings of deep love and connectedness with yourself…because you can.

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

Image Credit: Muffet

Today, a beautiful woman told me the secret to life…she said “Live each day like there is no tomorrow…Live in the moment, it’s all you have.”

Words of Wisdom and Clarity

This secret to life was told to me by an elderly woman, a kind person who is sharing a room with the grandmother of my four daughters.  I had never met her before and yet, I feel like I know her well.

She spoke with the clarity and wisdom that only life and experience can bring.  This lovely lady sat there, in that wheelchair, her pure white hair perfectly combed and set, wearing a bright red wool sweater.

She told me about her life and how blessed she was to have had 50 years with the love of her life.  She explained to me, with tears in her eyes, how he was taken from her suddenly.

They had company over for lunch and as they were sitting there, sharing stories with their friends, and doing the meal preparations, as they sat there, laughing and smiling…he suddenly suffered a massive heart attack and died, right in front of her eyes.

As I sat there, listening to her story, the tears came to my eyes.  I felt the great love that she had for that man.  I felt the deep sadness that she carried with her over the loss of that love.  She said that time passes by too quickly and that we never know when we are going to leave this existence.

This beautiful soul spoke to me of her deep and abiding love for the partner that she lost.  She told me of the gratitude that she had for the child that they had raised together….of the love she had for the sweet grandchildren that were the continuation of that blessing.

The Magic in the Moments

She is 93 and a half years old and she asked me this question “Why am I still here?” and this is the answer that I give to you.  She is here to pass that message on to all of us.  She is a reminder to all of us that life is short…don’t sweat the small stuff…it’s all small stuff…

The angel in that room said “Live your life to the fullest” and you know what?  We all need to hear that…to be reminded of what is important in life.  We have celebrations marked out on our calendars, days like Valentine’s Day.  She reminded me that every day, we need to celebrate our loved ones and share our gratitude for them, always.

Be thankful, live your life to the fullest, be mindful in the moments that we have…”Life passes by quickly”, my sweet friend said…looking back from the vantage point of 93 and a half, she knows…

So let us all make best of it and go forward.  Be grateful for each day and see the magic in the moments.  I know that I am going to do my very best to make it so.

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

Image Credit: Danilo Rizzuti

This mistake is common in relationships, especially in a relationship that has successfully navigated the honeymoon period and has settled down in to the routine of every day living. It is such a serious mistake that the crisis that it brings about can cause the relationship to be terminated, suddenly.

No, I am not talking about infidelity.  I am talking about a pattern of communication that every one to some extent uses at one time or another, unless you know what you are looking for. When you see yourself doing it or your partner doing it, it is simple to change that pattern.

Deleting Information Causes Anxiety

Let’s imagine this scenario. There is a couple and they have been married for two years and they are deeply in love.  They share common goals and values and yet…they were faced with a crisis. Both people believed that the other partner could not “hear” them and worse, did not understand them.

They both felt that they were talking at cross purposes and this was causing massive anxiety in the relationship.They each had come to the conclusion that, even though they loved each other very much, they couldn’t live with each other in this manner any more. They were ready to pull the plug.

Deletions of information occur all of the time.  We wouldn’t be able to function in our world if our brains did not screen out most of the details that our brains are bombarded with on a daily basis.

Can you imagine how much more time it would take us, if our brain had to catalogue colors, noises, scents, etc., over and over again, instead of storing the memories of them?

While deletions work for us in aspects of our lives, when we are in relationship, they can cause anxiety, misunderstanding, anger, and frustration.

Being Aware of the Magician In All of Us

Are you familiar with magic tricks…the magician instructs you to focus on something…and while you are doing that, out of your awareness, he is doing something else…and so, it looks like magic…yet, it is just a deletion…he does it in plain sight…you just don’t see it…your brain deletes the information.

In the case of our lovely couple, when the husband said “X”, his wife heard “Z”. Neither one was hearing the entire story; they were only hearing a part of the story because they each deleted information.  After the deletion, they added in their own version of events.

Does X = Z? (this is known as a complex equivalence) Absolutely not…and yet, let’s follow a conversation and let me know if any of it sounds familiar…

“I never get any help with the housework; the house is too hard to keep clean, you are lazy” Bethany, the wife, says.

“I do help you with the housework.  I took the garbage out yesterday. You never notice anything that I do. You take me for granted.” Jack, the husband, retorts defensively.  And so the fight is on, neither of them understanding the other.

Bethany can’t see the housework that Jack actually is doing. She has wrapped it up and hidden it from her mind, in a series of deletions, complex equivalences, and assumptions that happen quickly beneath her awareness. That is often called "not seeing the forest for the trees".

Building a Communication Bridge in 3 Simple Steps

Instead of feeling defensive and taking it personally, do this instead:

1. Step back and look at what has been said.  When you put a distance between the words and your emotions, you gain perspective. You can see the situation more clearly.
2. Ask this question:  “Is it true?”  Whoa…what?  Yes, ask if it is true. Is there any basis in reality? Is there anything at all there, even a little part that you recognize as true? 
3. Acknowledge that truth so that you have agreement. When you have agreement, on some level, you re-establish rapport. Then you can move forward, together.

When both partners ask those questions of themselves, they will clear barriers to communication.  Bethany and Jack were able to sit down and look at their responses.  

“Is the house too hard to clean?”  There was an element of truth there. Yes, they agreed that the house was difficult to clean because of the size.  That led to more questions. “What can we do to make it easier to clean?” “Do we need to dejunk the house?”…and so on. 

When you are in partnership and delete information, it can lead to a crisis that can topple the relationship. Over time, resentment can build up, even over the simple things and quite often, it is a little thing that is “the last straw that broke the camels back”.

The piling up of the small things and the little misunderstandings damage relationships.  The crisis that came out of the blue often has its’ origins in the day to day bad communications.

Be proactive and start now. Take a look at the information that is actually being given to you in your relationships and make these small, simple changes.  You might be surprised at what happens.

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

Image Credit: Idea go