Do you ever feel like a black swan in a white swan world? Perhaps you have friends and family who are the very essence of self confidence and deep inside, you feel like a loser.  You might feel like you are “less than”.

Quite surprisingly, talented and creative people often have this frame of mind and a belief that they are not “good enough”, even when evidence points to the contrary.

What Factors Affect Self Confidence?

• Negative beliefs
• Negative self talk
• Relationship issues (such as being or having been in an abusive relationship)
• Low self esteem
• Body image issues
• Boundaries that don't work

Negative beliefs undermine the very core of who we are, naturally. When you have a negative belief, it is easy to be swept away on a tide of a non resourceful emotional rush.

Habitually, you sink into patterns of behavior that reinforce the negative belief, like negative self talk, creating relationship issues,etc. When you add in non existent or faulty boundaries and low self esteem, you create an endless loop. You keep repeating and getting the same results.

So what if you have one or all of these factors that are undermining any self confidence that you might have?  Do you need to eliminate everything before you can start to feel better about yourself?  No.  Ideally, with time, you do work on all of these things.

In the meantime, though, rather than overwhelming yourself with a list of  x number of factors to work on, you can do this one simple technique to help you feel better, right now.  Then it actually will be easier to go forward and work on the negative beliefs, etc.

Here is one resource that helps.

An NLP Technique to Reinforce Self Confidence

There was a time in the past when you did feel confident, even if only for a moment. Close your eyes and remember. . .

If you can remember that time, and I believe that you can, bring that image to the forefront of your mind and make it bigger and brighter. Notice all of the things in the picture that are unique to that memory,sights, sounds, colours, feelings.

When you feel the feeling of confidence that you had then, anchor it to yourself by lightly touching yourself on the arm in a place where you won’t accidentally be touched….for example, on your forearm, just before your elbow.

Lightly touch when the memory of the feeling is the strongest. Just for a moment. . .that’s right. . .

Open your eyes and look around the room. . .clear your mind.

Take a moment. . .then remember again, and it will be easier this time to remember, to bring that image back and feel that strong feeling of confidence again, that feeling of knowing. . .

Make that feeling bigger and spin it. . .touch the same place on your arm again, only for a moment. . .

Open your eyes and look around the room. . .take a deep breath. Think of something else, like “What did I have for lunch today?”.

When you have cleared your mind,you are going to do a little test. Touch that same spot on your arm again and see if you can feel that feeling of self confidence, instantly rushing back.  I am sure that you can. . .

If you can’t, you need to make sure you are using the same level of touch that you used to create this anchor.  

You can repeat the process until the anchor is firmly set and it is available to you to use at any time. . .that you want to feel confident. . .

Self Esteem and Self Confidence

When you value yourself, you naturally have more self confidence. There are positive behaviors that lead naturally to a rise in self confidence and self esteem.

If you keep your promises to yourself, achieve the goals that you have set, and set boundaries in relationships that define how you allow other people to treat you, your self confidence will grow as a natural offshoot.

As we approach each new day and see what we are grateful for, and focus on that instead of what we don’t have, we find it easier to foster that feeling of self confidence.

The days and hours of feeling like a loser will fade into nothing and the feeling of “being enough” will wrap us in it’s arms.

Then, even if you are still a black swan in a white swan world, you will love and appreciate your uniqueness.

"Drive your own life. . .you deserve to, don't you?" Sherie Venner

 

As the Grinch said in “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” by Dr. Suess … “It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags!” 

 

Are you having trouble feeling connected with the true self inside of you?  Here are some steps to help you regain your inner serenity:

1. Silence your Inner Critic

If you are continually telling yourself that you are no good, that you don’t deserve happiness, that you can’t accomplish your dreams, you are not able to connect with your true self.

Your true self will tell you that “Yes, you are good enough”, no matter what happened to you in the past.  “Yes, you do deserve to be happy”.  “Yes, you can accomplish your dreams”. . .most people have dreams that are too small, not too big. . .

2. Tell the Truth

Acknowledge where you are, on the path that you are travelling.  Unless you know where you are, on the path that you are currently travelling, you won’t be able to change it. 

For example, if you are going to a town, you need to know where you are coming from in order to plot a map to get there.

You will know that you aren’t connected to the true self by these behaviors:

Addictions (examples: smoking, sex, food, approval, alcohol, overspending, workaholism, etc.)

Depression (and no, I am not talking about the chemical imbalance kind)

Anxiety

There are more. . .what do you struggle with?

3. Stop Perfectionism in it’s Tracks

When you play the perfectionist game, you create personal sabotage.  No one is perfect, so if you set yourself up to BE perfect, you will fail.   Stop getting in your own way!!

Perfectionism is a barrier to connecting with the self.  All you can do is all you can do and it is good enough.

4. Listen to the Still Small Voice Within

Your intuition can be your best friend.  If you have trouble connecting with your intuitive voice, you can create, in your imagination, a council of people (from the past, real or imaginary).

Allow yourself to enter a calm state by eliminating distractions, slowing down your breathing and closing your eyes.  Let yourself drift in your imagination and find yourself in front of that council of people, that you choose to create in your mind’s eye.

Mine includes Helen Keller, Leonard da Vinci and others.  Ask them the question that you have and then listen for the answer. Realize that the answer is really coming from you; this is just a way to circle around any resistance.

This exercise allows you to tap into your own inner self, the true self, in the guise of an imaginary council.  It can be a highly effective exercise, give it a try, it is fun!

5. Reflection Within the Self and Forgiveness

Take the time to just BE with yourself, in a quiet place.  It can be difficult, in these busy times, to take that time. 

You don’t need much. It can be a few minutes in the morning, or it can be a few minutes before you drift off to sleep at night.  During this reflective time, don’t judge the thoughts that come up, just let them go past. 

Observe them, don’t hang on to them.  See what happens. Practice forgiveness.

6. Give Yourself Permission to Connect and to Succeed

Permission?  That might seem strange. . .permission to connect with the true self?  Yes.  We have become so disconnected in our society, with the advent of technology and families further apart from each other.

It has become normal to feel disconnected from our inner selves, to rush through life hastily, without a thought to having a rich connection to our true self.  It can seem selfish to take that time (and it does take time, even if a little). 

You are important; give yourself the permission to connect. Your life will be richer.

7. Allow Yourself to Dream

When we allow ourselves to dream and to dream big, those dreams will tell us stories about ourselves.  If you dream of going on travels around the world, what does that tell you about yourself?

Write your dreams down and see if there is a pattern. . .look at it. . .listen to your intuitive voice. . .what are the common threads that have run through your life, the dreams that persist no matter what?

When you allow yourself to have your dreams and to accomplish what your true self desires, you will feel so connected.

There are many ways to connect with the true self, these are just a few.  I hope that these 7 steps have helped you to start.  Let me know if I can be of help to you.

"Drive your own life. . .you deserve to, don't you?" Sherie Venner

** Photo credit to Luz Adriana Villa A.**

 

Are you having problems with your relationship, financial issues or something else?  Do you feel disconnected from yourself in any way? We all go through tough times at some point in time. Tough times are easier if we are not making these mistakes.

 

Photo by rkramer62

Mistake #1 : Not dealing with grief of the lost dream

This is no small or easy thing to do. . .and it can be difficult no matter the size of the dream lost.  It can be the big loss of the dream of an unborn child or as simple as the disappointment of another failed weight loss attempt.

Accept the reality of what IS. . .as hard as that may be. It is a necessary step on the path to recovering you.

Avoidance does not work, it delays the inevitable and makes things worse (think: what we resist, persists).

Mistake #2: Not accepting help

If you don’t have a support system, there is no time like the present, do it NOW. (No man or woman is an island).

Talk to a trusted counselor, coach, or spiritual advisor.

Gather your family, let them know what is going on (there is no room for shame here).

Find resources, like support groups on the internet and in social media, like facebook and twitter friends (yes, you can have real friends on twitter and facebook).

Do you need medical or professional help?  If you need it, get it. . .if more than one person you trust tells you that you need professional help, please, please get it.

When we connect with others, it is easier to connect with ourselves.  It might seem counter intuitive and it does work.  

Mistake #3: Not using visualization to formulate a new goal (and move forward)

Examine any barriers that you have to reaching that new short term goal (let them go).

Decide what you want to have happen in the short term, you can do long term planning later (and I suggest you do, do long term planning). Your short term goal might be to get dressed that day, it all depends on how far into the depths you have gone. Maybe it is to create that new resume for your dream job.  

See it, hear it, feel it as if NOW. The more vivid you make that visualization, the better!

Tip:  If you have trouble with visualization, make yourself a dream board with pictures that you draw or cut out of magazines.  Check how you feel about the picture.

If you feel any resistance, examine it.  Is there a belief under there that is holding you back?  Example: I am not good enough, I don’t deserve it, good things don’t happen to people like me, etc.

Persistence and Patience Win the Day

“When one door closes, another opens”.  This might be an old saying and it is true, even if we can't see that far into the future. Life happens and with it, tough times can come.  No one is immune. All of us deal with loss at some point in time, don't we?

Make a decision, that you will go on, that you will become stronger, in spite of what has happened. Listen to stories of how other people have gone on and how they have overcome a similar situation.  Be inspired.

When you are in the middle of trouble, whether you recognize it or not, when you look back on it from a future point in time, quite often, it was the start of something new.  A new pathway opened up.  You met new people who were significant in your life.

You are a work in progress, just like the rest of us. Patience and persistence will get you there. Continue on; be kind to yourself, because you can.

 "Drive your own life. . .you deserve to, don't you?" Sherie Venner