Have you ever thought that lack of forgiveness could be holding you back from achieving the life and relationships that you so dearly want to create in your life?  Let’s talk . . .

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A Favorite Forgiveness Quote

“Forgive yourself for your faults and mistakes and move on” Les Brown

It can be harder to forgive yourself for perceived faults and mistakes than it is to forgive others.  However, it is necessary to do so.

In order to move forward into that future you want to create, you need to release the guilt. Holding on keeps you stuck, unable to successfully reach your goals and dreams. 

Why is it Important to Forgive Yourself First?

When you live your life holding on to ideas that you did something wrong, you punish yourself unnecessarily.  A mentor of mine once told me that guilt over an occurrence in the past only punishes.

It does not resolve the why of it happening.  It does not protect or keep the person safe. What it does do is keep you stuck in pain.

He told me that it was imperative to learn what you could learn from the past situation and leave the emotion of guilt out of the equation.

He was right.  When you learn from it, release the guilt, you are free to move forward, towards the life that you deserve to create.

Forgiveness not Forgetting

There is a simple exercise that I can show you that can help you to release the guilt and move towards forgiveness.  Note:  Simple is not always easy . . .

I would like you to imagine a small event in the past that you feel guilty about, that you still do not forgive yourself for. Please, make it a SMALL event, NOT a major trauma.

Take a deep breath and close your eyes . . . just like that . . .

When you think of that SMALL event that you had in the past, ask yourself these questions:

What did I learn from this experience? (wait a moment for the answer . . . there will be one or more)

What information can I take into my future to prevent this from happening again?  Is there any?

Can I think of other ways to protect myself, other resources, other than guilt?

See that younger version of you, in that past, looking up at you, eyes pleading, asking you "Please forgive me". 

Then imagine yourself, in that past event that you had, letting go of any guilt or negative emotions, like a string of balloons filled with helium . . . letting them go, drifting off into the great expanse of the universe . . . feel the joy rising in your heart, filling that space that used to be occupied with guilt. 

If you would like, you could see the you from now bending down and giving the you from the past a big hug and telling yourself that everything is okay and that you are forgiven. 

Forgiveness, a Powerful Gift to Give Yourself

• You did the best you could with the resources you had

• You did learn from the experience

• You can move forward lightly into the future, having released the burden of guilt

Create your life from a point of power in love and see the magic unfold.  Once you release that guilt and employ forgiveness in your life, you will see changes that you could never imagine before . . . I promise . . .

What lies underneath lack of self esteem and accompanying self sabotage?…… negative beliefs that we have about ourselves and unrealistic goals. Let’s take a look at common misconceptions that people have about their lives.

Photo by Alex E. Proimos

What Lies are you Telling Yourself?

“I can do things perfectly” Is that true?  Consider this….telling ourselves that being perfect is an attainable goal is the #1 lie that we tell ourselves…that’s right….LIE…..as in, not true. 

We can’t be perfect, it is an impossibility that we chose when we were very young, maybe when we were striving for 100% on a test.

I  remember, as the youngest girl in my grade five class (since I had skipped a grade), getting 98% on a test and thinking it was NOT good enough….how ridiculous is that?

Even when the illusion of perfection is attained, self esteem is battered when we believe in the myth of perfection.  What underlies that?-  A negative belief:  “No matter what I do, say or become, I am not good enough”.

Here Comes Lie #2

“I am in complete control of my life”.  Yes, there are aspects of our lives that we have control over and responsibility for. However, complete control is unrealistic.

We have no control over weather, accidents, other people’s actions.  It might be semantics and it does make a difference.

How Damaging is Lie #3?

 “I can accomplish my goal in a very short period of time”.  Goals that we choose need to be ecological, that is, good for us and others. 

Lose 5 pounds in 1 day!  Is that a realistic goal?  You need to allow yourself the time and a realistic time frame in order to truly accomplish what you want.

Occasionally, we reach our goals more quickly than we originally thought, but most often, it takes longer than we initially plan.

And in #4……

 “I don’t need to plan, I can wing it”.  I love spontaneity and it definitely has its’ place.  It all depends on the context. 

There is a difference in not planning an outing with friends (and going where the wind takes you) and not planning for your future.  Know what I mean?

If you want to go bungee jumping off an island in the South Pacific, then planning will help you achieve your goal.  Imagine that you have achieved  that goal, at that specific time in the future that you want it, and then, plan it backwards.

Take the end point and imagine all of the steps that need to happen from now until then, so that you have that goal, just like that. You can use that simple technique for anything that you have trouble planning for.  ; )

Build Self Esteem Through Better Self Talk 

How would you feel about yourself if you were kind to yourself? Do you hear how you treat yourself in your own mind? Listen for a moment…..

Stop the chatter of negative thoughts and replace them with words you would say to your very best friend in the world, or someone that you love dearly.

Say these words to yourself, make the voice you imagine sweet, loving, kind, confident…..just imagine what your life would be like if you really believed….

• Even though I am not perfect, I am doing the best I can. I am good enough.
• Because I assume responsibility for my life, I can move forward.
• I will set small, achievable goals so that I can feel that I have accomplished something.  Then, I will set bigger, yet, still achievable goals in reasonable time frames.
• Planning is a task that I can learn, even if I need to ask for help.

If you set unrealistic expectations up for yourself or even those you love, you set yourself up to fail.  It might not be glamorous or sexy to have reasonable goals but it does work better. SMART goals are doable goals.

Combine powerful, empowering self talk with realistic, achievable goals and your self esteem will bloom under your loving, kind self care. Just watch and see….. 

With holiday season fast upon us, there will be myriad family gatherings to attend.

Have you noticed that personal boundaries seem to be more easily crossed at those times?

Because there are usually more people and stress levels are higher, it seems to be… 

Personal Boundaries that Get Crossed

• Over indulging in food and alcohol (crossing your own personal boundaries)
• Comments on people’s financial or employment status
• Weightist comments “You’re too fat. Don’t eat that” or “You’re too thin.  Eat something!”
• Responsibility for the main celebration thrust onto one person’s shoulders

Even if someone doesn’t intentionally cross your boundary, it hurts.  My mother-in-law from my first marriage was a lovely woman.  She unfortunately had some very negative beliefs about weight.  Her idea of helping me and my then husband was to WEIGH us after holiday meals!  

She thought she was helping us.  She had NO intention of hurting our feelings.  My feelings were hurt, though, very much.  Needless to say, that only happened a few times until I finally mustered up enough Courage to tell her that NO WAY was she going to WEIGH me ever again!

How Do You Set Clear Cut Boundaries?

Refuse to be a victim or a doormat

Find your voice; don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself.  You don’t need to be mean, just firm about how you expect to be treated

Come from a place of integrity-know that you have a right and an obligation to protect yourself

Know that you deserve respect. It is a basic human right and you do deserve to be treated with respect, don’t you?

I was talking to a client the other day, who expressed concern about even planning a Christmas dinner. She was not able to ask for help in any meaningful way that would result in her actually getting the help she needed. She was overwhelmed. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

A Simple Strategy to Take the Stress Out of Holiday Meals

If you are the one hosting the family party, the entire preparation does not need to be your responsibility.

1. Make a list of foods that you are comfortable having other people bring (potluck all the way, less work and easier on the wallet!)

2. Use paper plates if it is going to make the clean up easier (especially if you are hosting more than 10 people).  Paper tablecloths and napkins fit in here, too

3. Post a roster of clean up duties and invite your family matters to sign up before you serve the meal

4. Use disposable foil pans that you can throw out afterwards

5. Position your garbage cans and recycling containers in easily accessible locations

6. Prep the food that you can, (safely), ahead of time by a day or two.  You can even freeze some dishes

If your family is used to you doing everything, you might find some resistance to change from them.  Be firm and accept that it is important for you to make that change.

When you have a deep seated belief that you are deserving of love and respect, it will be simpler to set boundaries for how people treat you.  In fact, once you have that belief, and act on it, people will treat you differently, you’ll see, won’t you?  

As a completely reformed natural doormat, I am telling you it can be done…..You will enjoy the holidays more when you allow yourself to.

“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner

**Photo by Slideshow Bruce

Do you have a problem with spelling? Do you know any children who do? Spelling is a common problem and it seems to be intensifying with time. Even with the advent of spell checkers, mistakes abound in the media and print sources.

Photo by rabbitcourage

What can be done about improving spelling?

There are a few things that can be done to improve spelling. You know about drills and testing and yes, they do work, just not for all people. Let me tell you about a technique that can improve spelling quickly and permanently.

Sound too good to be true?  I can understand.  When I was a child, learning to read and learning to spell, I did not realize that so many kids in my class couldn’t spell as well as I did, for a very valid reason. 

They didn’t have the same spelling strategy that I naturally did.  It was difficult for them and while I am not a perfect speller, I am a very good speller.  Watch, now everyone is going to be checking my blog posts for spelling errors!  LOL

I would like to clarify that this spelling strategy might not work for a person with a true learning disability. 

What is an NLP technique?

NLP, or neuro linguistic programming, sounds scarier than it actually is.  In simple terms, NLP is a pattern of modeling a behavior or way of thinking.  In other words, you find out HOW someone does something, that is, how someone REPRESENTS an idea or pattern in their mind, and you copy it.  It is sort of like cheating but in a good way.  : )

NLP techniques can be done simply and by yourself.  If that doesn’t work, you might need the help of an NLP practitioner, who is basically a guide. That’s what I consider myself to be, a tour guide who shows you the way. I know the twists and turns and can show you the sights.  

If you would like to try an NLP spelling strategy for yourself, here is a story, a story about a young dog named Daisy who teaches children to spell.  You might find it interesting. I think that the children in your life will.  

Click the link here to access the story in a pdf file.  You may print it out for your kids or for yourself.

Overcoming Spelling Anxiety

If you have implemented the NLP spelling strategy and need further support, there could be other blocks. If you or your child have been:

Told by teachers that you are a terrible speller and, worst case scenario, stupid

Find yourself rushing, almost in a state of panic, when presented with a spelling challenge

Not storing the word in the right part of the brain (you did read the story, right?  If not, go back and read it!)

You need to:

Realize that spelling is a learned skill and that the teachers were wrong

Learning any skill takes time

Have the right strategy.  If you have the wrong strategy, it doesn’t matter how much confidence you have in your abilities or how much belief you have in yourself, you will fail

Be kind to yourself and be patient

Above all else, if you are learning this new NLP strategy to learn how to spell well or you are teaching it to a child, please have fun. Make a game out of it and enjoy yourself.  Learning can be fun!!

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“Drive your own life…you deserve to, don’t you?”  Sherie Venner