Have you ever been in a situation where you did not listen to your gut feelings and regretted it?  I have, on a number of occasions, not listened to my gut and I have paid for it, in time lost, injuries, loss, relationships gone wrong…..

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When I Should Have Listened to My Gut Feelings

The most memorable was one wintery day in February, many years ago. I was pregnant with my first child.  I had a distinct feeling that we should not go down a street that was behind the hospital.  

Cars lined both sides of the street and it had been a winter filled with snow.  I ignored that feeling and we drove down that snow packed and rutted road in our small car.  I will never forget how time slowed as we hit that huge car head on. Neither car could stop in time.

The sound of my head hitting that windshield is one that I will never forget. Fortunately, we all walked away from that collision (into the adjacent hospital!!), although our little blue car was a tangled mess of metal, a total write off.  The most important thing was that my in utero baby, Jennifer, was fine, even though I lost my front teeth.  : )

What is a Gut Feeling?

What we refer to as a “gut feeling” is often our way of expressing the information that we pick up on a subconscious level.  We notice aspects of events, weather, the way people move….the list is endless….and we often don’t realize why we feel the way we do.

There is that little voice in the back of our mind that whispers to us that something is not quite right.  We might not be able to put our finger on the pulse of what is bothering us, but it is there.

A gut feeling is not a fear, it is different. A fear does not come from the same place as a gut feeling.  A gut feeling comes from a primal place in our bodies. Think of it as a protective mechanism that originates quickly in your subconscious mind.

Relationships and Your Intuition

You need to listen to your gut feeling, or intuition, because your brain is a marvel that processes the information in front of it quickly, so fast that you aren’t thinking about it consciously or logically.  Imagine if you were crossing the street and you felt that you needed to step back immediately. You did, just in the nick of time, missing an oncoming car that you didn’t “see” consciously.

That intuition can prevent you from making BIG relationship mistakes.  The day that I married my first husband, I knew that I was making a mistake.  I went ahead anyway. 

Can you think of a time in your life when you KNEW, deep inside, that you were making a mistake?  How did you feel about that? Were you right?

How does a gut feeling manifest?

• Happens extremely quickly
• A feeling of certainty, immediate knowledge
• Felt in the heart region or in the stomach area (gut)

Tweaking your Intuition Muscle

If you ignore your gut feelings, they will decrease over time.  If you pay attention, even if it’s a small detail like getting a feeling that gas is on sale at the next station, you grow your instinct for intuition. It’s not supernatural; it’s part of our human experience

Reasons for Listening to Your Gut Feelings

1. Protection.  This one is rare but if you need it, it’s great to have!!
2. To feel more connected to your purpose in life. When you listen to your intuition, to your heart, you can only be more connected.
3. Better relationship choices.  Paying attention to those gut feelings can let you know when a relationship is “off” or not quite “right” for you.  It might be right and in fact, wonderful, for someone else.  It just might not be for you. Gut feelings can also tell us when we are making the right choices.

Work those muscles. Pay just that little bit more attention and of course, use your judgment wisely. Listen carefully to that still small voice and remember that decisions are your choice.

Fear rips the dreams from your sleep and prevents you from going forward in life.  It is the boogey man that steps up and stops you from taking those baby steps.  What can you do about that? Is fear the gatekeeper that you use to keep yourself bound in chains?

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What Does Fear Really Mean?

• False   (That means NOT true)
• Evidence (Is there any, really?)
• Appearing (It just looks like that)
• Real (Is it?) 

I am sure that you have seen this acronym before.  Think about it.  False Evidence APPEARING Real.  

We have great imaginations.  People who have fear do it very well, they do it very well and quickly.  They make fantastic pictures in their mind of catastrophes, large and small.

When I was small, I was afraid of monsters under the bed.  I did a brilliant job of imagining them under there, ready to leap out at me and eat me!  In fact, I slept with a light on in my room for a long time!  

I was really, really good at imagining those monsters, what they would look like, what they would sound like.  I could imagine the sound of my bones crunching as they ate me all up!  I had a great imagination, didn’t I?? 

Imagination can be your friend

Einstein said that “Imagination is greater than knowledge”. Fear is “imagining” or “imaging” or “picturing” a bad outcome. Do you play movies in your mind of negative scenarios?   

What if your ability to create those negative images in your mind is causing your fear?  It is a simple approach and it might be just that simple. 

Why would you do that to yourself….to keep yourself small?  What lies underneath that?  At one time, in the past it is possible that you made a decision that you were not good enough. 

Decision Time

If you were the person who made that original decision, then you are the person who can make another decision, a different one, this time.  When you decide that enough is enough, you can break those chains that bind you. You can step,one foot in front of the other, into the light. 

Time for some SMART Goals

• Specific and simple
• Measurable and meaningful
• All areas of life, as if now
• Realistic and responsible
• Timed and Toward what you want 

Make a plan.  It’s simple really.  Use mind mapping, write them on 3 x5 cards, brainstorm, let your mind run free and see what you come up with. 

Write it down.  Put it in a place where you can see it. Take that incredible imagination that you have and turn it towards creating a great now and a wonderful future. 

When you are done with the plan, step back and visualize the outcome in your mind.  Feel the joy that will be yours when you manifest that goal, make those good feelings bigger and more intense.  Imagine that it is even better than you thought it could be. 

Know that you are good enough, because you are. Follow that path that you are meant to follow. It’s all there, waiting for you. You can have those dreams if you really want them.  Yes, you can.  

Hey, haven't I said before that "mind reading", in NLP terms, as applied to relationships is not a good thing??  Along comes Sandi Krakowski, with outrageous pink hair and proves that there is an exception to that rule!! I received my personal paperback copy in the mail last week and have read it twice since!!  It's called "Read Their Mind" and I am thrilled with it!

Yes, this is a business book.  Surprisingly, though, it is a book about relationships as well. The premise of the book is that you can "read their mind" and that is what I found so fascinating about it. We talk about "mind reading" as NLP practitioners and I really enjoyed how Sandi used the metaphor of "Read Their Mind" to explain the importance of listening, knowing your client, and solving problems!

My Favorite Chapters

These are not in the same order that they are in the book, just in the order I want to talk about them!  LOL

• The Good, the Bad and the Awesome of Listening
• Ask, Listen and Speak Their Language
• Daily and Weekly Action to Take

The Good, the Bad and the Awesome of Listening  

In this chapter, Sandi clearly illustrates that you need to know the pressing problem. This is important  in every relationship that presents with a problem or issue. You need to know what it is in order to solve it. 

Define the problem. Sandi also makes it clear how she goes about doing this through a series of questioning processes. She says "Ask questions and listen". Great advice in any relationship, don't you think?

Ask, Listen and Speak Their Language  

You know how important it is to be understood, right?  If someone is speaking above your head, you won't really catch their drift.  Sandi breaks down the business component of "speaking their language" through a series of techniques. She shows how to analyse the written word in order to ensure that it is appropriate for a client base.  

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a conversation that you felt completely baffled about?  In my previous post, I discussed some aspects of building rapport through language.:D  

Daily and Weekly Action to Take  

In my opinion, this is a very important part of the book.  Having a good action plan is essential!  That applies to both business and relationship.  If you have a plan and don't implement it, you are sitting becalmed in the water.  If you have a plan and do implement it, you are sailing.  

I like that Sandi no where implies that it will be easy. Simple, yes, easy, maybe….it all depends…doesn't it?   

Should you read this book?  

This is an easy read and it is a thought provoking read. It is a book that you will need to read more than once to catch all of the nuances and the meaning between the lines.  I think of Sandi's book as a self development book AND a business book.  If you want to use it strictly for business, you will definitely find a LOT of great business ideas and actions to implement in it. You might find yourself changing, though……just like that….   

Why should you read this book?  Sandi's principles can be applied to relationships across the board and……..she has very generously allowed her book to be FREE!

Here, click this link to get her book FOR FREE!  so that you, too, can take advantage of the knowledge that she has provided. Be warned, though…..Sandi is a woman of faith and is not afraid to show it….that is a big part of her book and I admire her honesty and integrity.

Enjoy!  I am going back and reading it for a third time, I know  that there is more that I can glean from it.

Do you love a great piece of music, one that makes your heart sing? When the musicians in a band or orchestra are in harmony with each other, it is pure magic, each piece intertwines with each, weaving a tapestry.  If there is discord, with one instrument not in sync, it is jarring. Relationships can be harmonious, if you develop rapport.

Photo by mozzercork

What is rapport?

In order to communicate effectively in any relationship, there needs to be rapport. Rapport is the ability to relate to some one in such a way that there is a deep understanding.  

You might notice that you feel closest to your partner for example when you are in sync, or simpatico. When couples are in deep rapport, they quite often finish each other's sentences. When you are in harmony,it is beautiful, when you have discord, it is miserable.

Have ever seen a couple deeply in love, strolling on the beach, hand in hand? Notice that their stride matches, their heads are tilted at the same angle and they are completely in sync with the rhythm of their movements and tone of voice. That is deep rapport. 

People like people who are like themselves

Even though you might not be consciously aware of it, you like people who are like you.  Can I hear you protesting that you have diverse people in your life?  What do I mean by "like you"?

• belief systems that are similar
• core values in common
• language patterns
• hobbies/interests
• thought patterns
• common history
• physical traits and mannerisms

Take stock of your closest friends and family.  When you take a deeper look, you will see that the people you are most comfortable with, do have a lot in common with you.  It isn't just the superficial, like where you live, it's the deeper stuff that is important.

Building Rapport in your Relationship

Here is one simple and easy way to build more rapport into your relationships. If you have a partner, this will deepen the love connection that you have with each other.  If you use these rapport building techniques with friends and relatives, your connection will be strengthened as well.

If the person you want to be in more rapport with speaks in a "visual" manner like this:

"I can SEE CLEARLY what you are saying", you can match and mirror by using similar "visual" words and reply, "It LOOKS to me that you are right", or something similar.

For an "auditory" person who says, for example, "I HEAR what you are saying", you can reply "It SOUNDS good to me" or "That RINGS A BELL".

A "kinesthetic" person might say "I FEEL that way too". Your reply appropriately could be "I CATCH YOUR DRIFT", or you could say "I've got a HANDLE on it", depending on the context! Speaking the SAME representational system (visual, auditory, kinesthetic) language, even briefly, can help to cement bonds.

Quality in Relationships

When we have rapport, we feel connected.  We feel that we can trust the other person.  There is deep understanding. When there is deep understanding , whether the relationship is  romantic, child/parent, friend, or colleague, you feel loved and appreciated.

Quality relationships take time.  There are many other ways to develop rapport. You can match and mirror body language, tone of voice, mannerisms, speed of speech, as well. I caution you, that if you do practice rapport with another person, that you not overtly "mimic" them.  Rapport is subtle.

Building rapport is a process that comes naturally and you might not even be aware of how often you really are in sync in your relationships.  The next time that you find yourself standing with a friend and you both cross your arms at the same time, realize that you are in rapport.

If you would like some more phrases that illustrate visual, auditory, and kinesthetic, here are some more examples.